Grounded In Spirit

How to Be Your Own Valentine

2012-02-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

It’s that time of year again – February, with its own special holiday to celebrate love. And whether or not you have a certain someone in your life who is your Valentine, let me suggest something a little different. This year, vow to be your own Valentine. Decide that no one is more deserving of your respect, kindness and enthusiastic support than you, and get creative about cultivating and expressing those qualities toward yourself.

In other words…love yourself. Completely, courageously and unconditionally.

If you think that sounds self-absorbed, sappy or just plain selfish, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have had the privilege of working with countless talented, passionate, giving and highly motivated people over the years, and through that work a simple and stunning truth has been revealed to me:

Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.

Take a minute to really let that sink in. Feel the truth of it in your heart of hearts, in your bones and in every cell of your body.

Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.

It’s true. Yet many of us have been conditioned to view ourselves with skepticism or even suspicion. We don’t trust ourselves to make healthy choices, we fixate on our mistakes and shortcomings, and we keep striving to prove our worthiness in the workplace and in our families and communities. Self-doubt and self-criticism run rampant, often masquerading as “objectivity.” We’ve somehow come to believe that focusing on our perceived flaws and shortcomings is the adult, responsible thing to do. But if you step back and really think about it, you’ll see how utterly impossible it is to doubt or criticize yourself to success and fulfillment. It simply can’t be done.

We must learn instead to love ourselves to success and fulfillment. And contrary to popular belief, genuine self-love is neither selfish nor delusional; it is honest, expansive, kind and generous. Self-love is all about learning to recognize and celebrate our many talents, skills and passions. It is about soothing and supporting ourselves when we feel challenged. It is about daring to trust, honor and empower our deepest truths.

And the good news is, genuine self-love is an intention we can choose to consciously declare and nourish.

In the December 2011 issue of this magazine I shared with you one of my favorite practices for cultivating authentic self-love, which I call the Eyes of Love journal. This month, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to offer another simple way to begin translating the concept of self-love into your lived experience: self-soothing.

First let me say that we are never too old to soothe ourselves. That would be like saying we’re too old for kindness. Yet, somehow, we’ve come to believe that responsible adults shouldn’t need soothing. We think we have to be tough on ourselves, to “suck it up and get the job done” and whip ourselves into shape with stern reprimands when we fail to meet our objectives. The idea of soothing ourselves seems akin to treating ourselves like babies.

Well, guess what? Treating ourselves like babies – like precious beings of life and light that require tenderness and care – works like a charm. There are a number of reasons why this is true, but the one I want to draw attention to is this: what we focus on is what expands in our lives. When we take the time to recognize, honor and empower what is alive and sweet and passionate within us, we expand our aliveness, our sweetness and our passion. We begin to flourish, just as any life form flourishes when given the proper attention and care. Being kind to ourselves is like watering a parched plant rather than yelling at it to learn how to “take” the heat of the sun.

Of course there are times we need to be lovingly firm with ourselves – that’s a subject for another time. For now let’s explore the art of self-soothing as a way to cultivate genuine self-love.

The intention of self-soothing is to release judgment and offer a fresh perspective that is loving and supportive. Self-soothing is looking for the kernels of deep truth that affirm our highest qualities while acknowledging our tender places. It is about relaxing into acceptance of what is, without resistance, while maintaining a spirit of possibility.

It is about being your own best friend, one who loves and cherishes you. Your own special Valentine.

Here’s how it works. When things aren’t going the way you wanted or planned, and your mind begins telling stories about how dire things are and how poorly equipped you are to handle them – STOP. You may have worked up quite a head of steam with this story but, as soon as you become aware that you’re making yourself feel worse rather than better…just stop. Take some nice, relaxing breaths.

Simply decide, then and there, that you will not speak to yourself that way. Wrap your actual or metaphorical arms around yourself in a loving hug, and consciously look for a deeper truth about what’s going on – and about you - that is soothing, comforting or even inspiring.

Here are a few examples that might be helpful:

Your fearful or judgmental story: “I can’t believe I ate all that junk food last night; I feel terrible this morning. I just can’t seem to get it together with my eating habits. I’d better go back on that strict diet I tried last year but gave up on too soon.”

Your soothing reminder: “It’s actually good that I don’t feel good about what I ate. That’s my body’s way of telling me that it’s time to make some shifts. This time I’m going to look for a new approach.”

Your fearful or judgmental story: “I still haven’t received payment from my client for that invoice I sent two months ago. It figures, that was the biggest single invoice I’ve ever issued. I wonder if I overcharged? It doesn’t matter. They’re probably on the verge of bankruptcy and I’ll never see a penny.”

Your soothing reminder: “I need to call the client and remind them that payment is now past due. This is good practice for me, speaking up to request payment, since I want to feel comfortable dealing with larger amounts of money. It’s helping me become very clear about the value of my services.”

Your fearful or judgmental story: “It’s been almost three years since I realized I didn’t like the work I’m doing, and here I am, still at the same company and still miserable. Why can’t I get myself unstuck? Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to live a really fabulous life. I’m not a risk-taker.”

Your soothing reminder: “It’s far better to give myself time to get comfortable with taking a big step like leaving my job, rather than forcing myself to do it and just hoping it will all work out. It’s good not to overreact and jump ship just because I don’t like something. And today is a new day. I wonder how I can get myself more comfortable with the idea of creating work I truly love?”

Notice that self-soothing is not the same thing as justifying behavior we know isn’t serving us, or blaming others for our unhappiness. In the first example, self-justifying might have sounded something like, “Well, it’s no wonder I ate so much! Mary kept piling those nachos on my plate and she wouldn’t take no for an answer!” In the second example, it would have been easy to simply wallow in blame: “They’ve been difficult to deal with all along. I’m not surprised they don’t have the professional courtesy to pay on time!” In the third example, self-justification and blame might have taken a turn like this: “They pile so much work on me, I barely have time to get the basics of life handled, much less look for a new job!”

I’m not saying that the self-justifying statements are false; at a surface level they are, perhaps, true. It’s just that they’re not helpful. True or not, those kinds of thoughts do not empower us. And how can we love ourselves fully if we don’t empower ourselves to create lives we love?

That is why soothing is not “babying.” It is empowering. It liberates us from the kind of thinking that keeps us small and stuck, paving the way for possibility and inspiration. It softens us, and in that softening we open to new ways of thinking and acting. Fundamentally it feels good, and feeling good matters. Feeling good matters because you matter.

And isn’t that what a true Valentine would remind you? Of course! But don’t wait to hear that from someone else; say it to yourself and back it up with your thoughts and actions. Practice self-soothing every chance you get, and keep writing in that Eyes of Love journal. Before you know it, your heart will open and your spirit will soar and you will be in love with Life. Your life.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Copyright © 2012

Suzanne E. Eder

Themes, Dreams and "Just Saying No" to Resolutions

2012-01-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

You know what I love about the New Year? I love the “New” part. I love the sense of possibility and expansion that an unfilled calendar inspires. I love the reminder to step back and look with fresh eyes at my life and how I want to live it. I love the thought of new ideas, new experiences and new avenues of creative expression. And I love knowing I have a whole year to create them.

I’ve spent a lot of time, energy and attention in my personal and professional life on the creative process. I believe it to be fundamental to our very nature and reason for being: we are creators, and the act of creating calls Life to pulse through us, enlivening and fulfilling us. Our intentions give shape and direction to the flow of Life, and our attention increases its power and velocity.

And of course, our intentions ultimately generate results or outcomes in the manifest world, which is where most of us focus our attention as a New Year rolls in: we set resolutions to achieve specific goals, thinking that the achievement of the goal will make us happy. It’s easy to lose sight of the deeper truth that happiness is a state of being. It arises not from a static achievement, but from the quality we bring to the creation of it.

Happiness, contentment, joy – they’re vibrations. The fundamental nature of this universe is vibrational: everything is energy, and energies of like frequencies resonate with each other. So as we vibrate…we attract and create. This is a modern way of saying what every great spiritual tradition has told us, which is that Being – pure vibration – is primary. Anything we think, say or do flows from our state of Being, our vibration. It cannot be otherwise.

Yet we have, for the most part, lost our sensitivity to these subtle vibrations. We’ve come to rely on the gross perceptions of our senses, and from that perspective it is the results that count because they can be seen, heard, felt, touched or tasted. And so we have become focused on generating results, believing the results to be the only thing that matters.

And of course results do matter – but what matters more is knowing how to create them in harmony with our inherent nature and design as vibrational beings. When we focus exclusively on results, we can inadvertently create measurable but temporary success while compromising, or even damaging, our ability to create.

A simple example of this is the much-overused resolution to lose weight, and specifically to reach a certain number on the scale. It is quite possible, from what I’ve read in fashion magazines, to lose weight by smoking incessantly and ingesting nothing but water and champagne. You could achieve a really low number on the scale that way, and feel smugly successful. But you would have compromised your very health and vitality in doing so.

A far better resolution would be to focus on creating vibrant health, which is a state of being. When that is your declared intention, it serves as a compass that nudges you to choose in ways that align with it. And as you become healthier – as you vibrate on the “vibrant health” frequency – those choices become easier and easier to make. And it gets even better. When you’re on that frequency, you begin synchronistically attracting new ideas and opportunities to sustain it, so you feel supported. Like attracts like.

It’s really a much more elegant system than our usual habit of setting specific goals and then beating ourselves into submission until we reach them. Using the vibrational power of our intention, and the magnifying power of our attention, we lift ourselves to the frequency that matches the kind of results we want. And without attachment to a specific result, we are open to attracting something even better than our small minds could have imagined when setting the goal.

Let me share a wonderful real-life example of this phenomenon. A friend of mine is currently separated from her husband. Their relationship is amicable yet both agreed it would be better to live apart. She could have set a goal to find an affordable place to live by a certain date. But instead, she declared an intention for freedom and joy. She made it a point to open her heart and appreciate all that was good and wonderful in her life as it was, and paid attention to the subtle inner signals that were calling her in a particular direction.

One such impulse was to apply for a one-month residency in a program for artists. She was told the program was closed, but on the strength of her intuition she applied anyway. She was not only awarded a coveted spot in the program, she was offered a full year residency which would begin after the one-month program. So instead of simply achieving a goal of finding a temporary place to live, her inner artist realized an unspoken dream to devote a full, luxurious year to her art.

How’s that for elegant and harmonious?

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that it takes a bit of practice to untangle ourselves from our old outcome-focused ways and learn to trust in the basic flow of Life. But what could be more worthwhile? Let me help you get started, or support you in fine-tuning your commitment to this way of being, with a few simple suggestions:

• Think in terms of themes or states of being rather than outcomes. You can certainly start with what you believe are desired outcomes, but take it to the next level by asking: “What is the state of being I think this outcome will generate?” Here are a few examples:

Outcome: Lose xx pounds

States of Being: Vibrant health, fluidity of movement

Outcome: Find a job I love

States of Being: Making a positive contribution, feeling respected & appreciated

Outcome: Make $$ per year

States of Being: Peaceful, safe, generous, prosperous

Or you could just go straight for the desired states of being, as my friend did, such as freedom, joy, humor, lightness, etc.

• Quiet your mind and listen to your heart of hearts as you narrow the list of desired states of being to two or three; name these as your theme(s) for the year. (And if you’re the artistic type, you may want to create something visual to capture your theme that you can display where you’ll see it often.)

• Intend to increase your awareness of these qualities wherever and whenever they show up in your life. Acknowledge and celebrate every moment or experience where your desired states of being make their presence known. (Remember, your attention magnifies and expands what you are focusing on.)

• When you have specific, conscious choices to make, ask which choice is closest to the vibrational frequency of your desired states of being.

• Pay attention to your inner energy and impulses; might they be pointing to new ideas and opportunities?

• Set aside time each day to quiet your mind and open yourself to the inner Wise One for guidance.

Relax into this as much as you can and intend for it to be easier than you could have imagined. In fact, challenge yourself to hold it lightly and have some fun with it. Heaviness and seriousness are extremely overrated; bringing a light touch to this process reduces resistance and invites a greater flow of energy. And a greater flow of energy really brings the New into your New Year.

So celebrate yet another opportunity to start fresh, lift your vibration and come into greater alignment with the flow of Life. It’s a lot more fun than recycling those tired old goal-centered resolutions.

And who knows what Life might have in store for you? You could end up fulfilling a long-held dream.

Copyright © 2011

Suzanne E. Eder

Seeing Through the Eyes of Love

2011-11-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

Imagine that, after recognizing your spark for living a passionate life has been withering inside of you, you’ve finally given yourself permission to start something you’ve wanted to do for a long time, something that really matters to you. It’s a nudge from your soul you can no longer ignore, and you’re tingling with anticipation. Maybe the art class you’ve longed to take is being offered close to your home, or you’re fired up to start training for a half-marathon, or you’ve been harboring an idea for a new business you know in your heart of hearts will succeed.

You begin taking your first tentative steps…then you’re walloped with an avalanche of harsh criticism from everyone close to you: your partner, your mother, your women’s circle, even your best friend. They’re aghast at your naïveté, sure that you’re making a big mistake and speaking to you in no uncertain terms about the risks of your undertaking. They’re convinced you just don’t have what it takes. Every time you mention your dream, they overpower you with their alarming prophecies of failure. They’re very convincing, relying as they are on statistics and stories they’ve heard of other people’s bad experiences – maybe even their own – and the immutable logic of how your family will suffer if you take this on.

You start seeing things their way. “Good God, what was I thinking?” you mutter to yourself, incredulous that you could have entertained such a ridiculous notion. You sigh, then shove your dream into the recycling bin. And you get back to your real life, the one that’s lacking a certain zest but is at least safe and manageable.

And you wither a little more on the inside.

Time and again my clients have this soul-crushing experience. Except the naysayers are not people outside of them (although occasionally they are). It turns out that the most potent voices of criticism and negativity arise from within, and they’re every bit as damning and paralyzing as anything our nearest and dearest could say to us. We stop ourselves before we ever really get started, practiced as we are at focusing on what could go wrong and lamenting all the inner and outer resources we seem to be lacking.

We could ask ourselves why we’re so practiced at self-judgment – and the conversation could be illuminating! – yet the “why” is really outside the scope of this article. And in truth, spending a lot of time trying to figure out why we sabotage ourselves can often, itself, be another delay tactic. The important thing to recognize is that we’ve formed habits of thinking and habits of focusing our attention that are not aligned with our innate creativity, brilliance and passion.

So we need to learn new habits. And I want to tell you about one that I have found to be powerfully life-changing. I call it the Eyes of Love journal, and the very purpose of keeping this journal is to help you cultivate a loving and wise voice that supports your dreams and affirms your worthiness and talent in pursuing them.

The Eyes of Love journal is different from a gratitude journal, although expressions of gratitude are of course welcome. This journal is for recognition, acknowledgment, appreciation and celebration – of you and all of your amazing qualities. Especially the qualities that your dreams are calling you to cultivate.

Here is the basic idea. On a regular basis – ideally every day but at least weekly – sit down in a quiet space with your journal and pen. Consider the past day or week and ask your Wise and Loving Self to show you how your experiences during that time look through her eyes. Specifically ask to recognize things you can really appreciate about yourself, things you can genuinely honor and congratulate yourself for, no matter how large or small.

This is not about pumping up your ego and pointing out all the ways you are better than others. (The Eyes of Love journal is all about you, not about anyone else – except to the extent that they reflect, validate or affirm something in you that you value.) This is about intentionally connecting with the part of you who longs for a fulfilled life and knows you’re worthy of living one, and giving her a voice. It’s about cultivating a habit of thinking and focusing your attention in a way that supports your dreams rather than denying them.

If you’re like a lot of people with whom I’ve worked, you may be attracted to this idea - but speaking to and about yourself in this way is so foreign to you, you don’t quite know what to say. So here are a few ideas to get you started:

• You can write in the first or second person, whichever feels more intimate and real to you. If you write in the second person, try using the format of a letter, such as “Dear Brenda, It’s so good to connect with you! I wanted to tell you what a great job you did on…”

• Ask yourself these questions to stimulate your thinking:

• What went really well for me yesterday, and what part did I play in that?

• What are the qualities I think are important for the life I want to live (e.g., confidence, clarity, creativity, humor, focus, kindness, perseverance, self-trust, etc.)? How might I have demonstrated any of those qualities yesterday?

• What compliments, validation or expressions of appreciation did I receive from others? (Then let yourself take a minute to really feel the truth of those comments.)

• What did I accomplish that I feel really good about?

• When did I experience joy or happiness or deep contentment? How did I create that experience? (Remember that being open to receive is something to note and appreciate!)

• If the day was a challenging one, look for any new awareness or insight the challenges generated, and also see if you can name several inner or outer resources that are available to help with the challenges.

You may want to begin and end each entry with a personal affirmation that genuinely resonates with you, such as “I have what it takes to succeed” or “I am worthy of being fully supported in doing the work I love” or “I am lovingly guided to make healthy and prosperous choices.”

Again, nothing is too small or too large to be captured in the Eyes of Love journal. In fact, the more ”small” or specific you can be, the more real this becomes for you. You might write things such as, “I love the outfit I put together yesterday – I got so many compliments on it!” or “I am so pleased that I maintained my sense of humor during that difficult conversation with my son…” or “When Tom said he really wants to work with me because our businesses are successful and growing, I realized he’s seeing me the way I want to see myself.”

You get the idea. Oh, and although I think this is obvious, let me say it, anyway: this is not a journal for complaining or worrying or dissecting a difficult conversation or venting your feelings. More often than not, that type of journaling devolves into some form of negativity or judgment or perhaps feelings of righteousness or resignation – the old conditioning takes over and you’re seeing and writing about things through a lens of “what’s wrong” or “what’s missing.” The whole point of this journal is to see with fresh eyes – the eyes of love – and to condition yourself to focus in ways that strengthen and expand your capacity for joy.

Are you in? Okay, then let me give you a specific challenge: write in your Eyes of Love journal for 30 days in a row, then see how you feel. Just commit to doing it, and don’t miss a day. After the 30 days you’ll probably want to continue daily, but don’t turn this into a rigid task. (Most people find it’s something they genuinely look forward to doing.) Find your right frequency and rhythm, but find a way to keep it going after the 30 days.

And let me know what happens. I’m willing to bet that, if you take this on with genuine willingness and commitment, you will feel stronger, more confident and self-loving than you have ever felt. You will notice that your life is flowing with greater ease and joy. You will begin to feel that you really do have what it takes to follow your dreams.

And you will be right.

Reality: Some DIS-Assembly Required

2011-10-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

The following is a blog post written by author and teacher Lola Jones, which I'm reprinting with her permission. See more of Lola's blogs at www.divineopenings.com. Enjoy!

In the sixties and seventies we said, "Question Authority!"

Now I tell people, "Disrespect Reality!"

Why give our power away to any outer "reality," whether it's government, relationship, a job, or health condition? Just because it's physical and it's staring you in the face doesn't mean it's real-- or permanent. Don't give it so much respect.

Disrespect it.

Take your power back.

Today's reality is merely an out-picturing of your feelings and beliefs. Most people just keep re-creating yesterday's reality! Change, and tomorrow you could take delivery on a fresh reality. All you have to do is give up the old one. It's all ephemeral-- as insubstantial as mist. The trouble is that in this Age of Reason, we've bought so heavily into physical "reality" that we actually worship it, bow down to it, revere it, and fear it.

Let's take an empowering look, behind the curtain, at what beliefs really are.

They're just big boxes of evidence that you've collected, or you "bought them" from someone else. They are pre-decided experience!

Our minds "organize" our reality for us in compartments, all neatly boxed up. It's how we keep a very complicated reality under "control".... by simplifying it and OVER-simplifying it.

Oversimplified example: As a child, Sue fails at something. That's her first piece of evidence that she's defective. She becomes a magnet for more evidence of it. Soon she's collected a whole box of evidence for it, other people affirm it, and it's HER reality.

This applies to every concept you have about yourself, the world, and others.

So more evidence keeps showing up. We attract evidence that fits our beliefs. So anything we deeply believe in our unconscious seems to get more and more true by the day.

What DO you do with evidence that doesn't support your beliefs?

Your unconscious deletes it, because it doesn't fit in the box with the other contents! You think, "Oh, that's a fluke!" I often see people being completely unable to see evidence that doesn't fit in their box. What evidence? Where? It's as if for them, it's not there!

Or you can discount it, or distort it to fit, "Well, I succeeded at that, but that was too EASY. Any failure of a person could succeed at that!" or "Yes, it's working now, but it won't keep working."

Most people don't experience reality at all. They literally only experience their boxes. Sit with that for a moment! Other people are in boxes, their health and their job is seen through the filter of their box of evidence.

What they believe is possible for them in life is all boxed up and sealed. Done.

*******************************

There are two main kinds of beliefs, the kind you picked up from a personal experience like Sue's, and beliefs you absorbed by osmosis from your parents, culture, media, friends, and the giant collective unconscious. In my book it's referred to as the Ancient Mind.

The collective unconscious is a sort of "community pool" of beliefs that we swim in daily. We live by thousands of unquestioned assumptions that we "absorbed" unconsciously from this collective.

One of the most damaging of these beliefs is that reality is some kind of fixed, unchangeable thing. How often do you hear, "face reality," "get real," "be realistic," or "that's impossible"?

Any reality is only one creation out of many possibilities.

Why limit yourself?

People say, "This is THE reality. It's proven, true, and real because there is evidence."

Of course you have evidence!

When you believe it, evidence for it finds you. And once you know how powerful you are, you will never again be a victim of a reality that you yourself created.

When you get conscious of your beliefs and take back your power, you're really going to like what happens.

Ask The Divine to go on a box-busting adventure with you. If you can't find the belief, ask The Divine to do the heavy lifting.

The Dive In And Be With It audios are great for this, because you don't have to know, figure out, or analyze what's holding you back. You just tune into the subject you want to address, and find the feeling. Then relax, and let the process take you.

To learn more about Diving In process, or to order, go to http://www.divineopenings.com/.
OR..... if you're already good at the diving in process, you've mastered the moving of your emotions, and surf them like a pro, here's something more advanced for you:

When you create something you don't particularly like, try this:

"Hmmm, how amazing that I created that. I sure am a powerful creator.

It's only energy in form, and I can create something else just as easily."

When you create something you love, try this:

"Ahhh, I created that.

I sure am a powerful creator.

It's only energy in form, but I sure do appreciate it."

*********************

OK!

Dig out your old hippie headband and start a revolution.

Bust some boxes!

Disrespect reality!

Love,

Lola

www.divineopenings.com

Could Steve Jobs' Wisdom Be the Nudge You Need?

2011-10-09T15:03:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I received a flurry of emails from friends and clients, who were forwarding me either a link to a YouTube video of Steve Jobs' 2005 commencement address to the graduating seniors of Stanford University, or a transcript of that same speech. I'm not sure why it was making the rounds then, but it doesn't matter. To say the speech was inspiring, engaging and very humanly real would be an understatement. He was definitely speaking from his heart to ours.

With Steve's recent passing, another client forwarded me a quote from that same speech. Once again I was moved by his clear, straightforward message to follow your heart - first and always. Below are two of my favorite excerpts from his commencement address, both of which speak to themes that are central to my work in helping clients create work - to create lives - they love:

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life (my emphasis), karma, whatever. This approach has never let meknow, and it has made all the difference in my life."

Clients who have worked with me know that I often use the analogy of following the breadcrumbs, or holding a flashlight that illuminates only your next step, to convey the mystery of our inner guidance. It doesn't lay out a five-year plan, and that's a good thing!

I have come to understand that our inner guidance is connected to - in some real way is an aspect of - the Divine Intelligence that guides the very expansion and evolution of the universe. It understands paradox and flow and interconnectedness in a way our linear minds simply cannot.

And because we are inherently creative beings, we are constantly creating - our future is not fixed. Step-by-step guidance reflects and respects this truth. Our own creative impulses trigger the guidance we need in that moment...and then the next, and the next. There is no set plan, just a continual unfolding. As we learn to trust this more and more - to trust in Life itself, as Steve suggests - we can follow the dots into our deeply fulfilling, heart-centered future.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noice of others' opinions down out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Again he eloquently emphasizes the absolute necessity of listening to your own inner voice, your heart and intuition. They're connected to your soul's true longings, and they do indeed know what you want to become. He also uses the word courage, which most of us on this journey find very appropriate! It can feel daunting to say "no" to the many rules, beliefs and expectations of our families and communities and culture - not to mention how difficult it is to say "no" to the naggingly persistent voice of fear and doubt within our own minds.

We literally have to learn how to think differently, how to think from that deep inner well of wisdom and creativity. We have to learn how to navigate through fear and doubt. And - this is essential - we have to learn how to cultivate a strong, resilient foundation of self-love as we commit to this journey. In the absence of that love, none of this makes sense.

Most of us need a little support and, yes, training as we shift from "having a job" to "living a life." And providing that support is my greatest passion! I know I might sound like a broken record, but hey - some messages simply bear repeating, if only because it can be so difficult to grasp their full impact the first - or fiftieth! - time around. And here's the message, in the words of someone else who has inspired me on my own path, Tama Kieves:

"You can do this. You must do this! You don't want to miss this life!"

- from her bestselling book, This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love

Join me this Saturday, October 15th, for my from-the-heart workshop on Creating Work You Love: Growing Into Your Dreams. For only $40 and 3 hours of your time, you could put your life on a whole new trajectory. Email jill@mysolidground.com for information and to register.

Don't wait. Now is the perfect time.

You don't want to miss this life.

Maybe Having a Little Egg On Your Face Isn't All Bad

2011-09-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about the phenomenon known, rather comically yet inexplicably, as “having egg on your face.” (Where did that come from? Why egg, particularly? Isn’t having spinach in the teeth even worse? No matter…it’s just a visual way to represent a feeling of embarrassment. And in particular, for this post, feeling embarrassed about changing your mind.) It’s an unappealing image, to be sure, which is why we try hard to avoid it. But like so many things we seek to avoid, our fear of it is usually far more crippling than the actual experience.

I’m sitting with a little egg on my face right now. And I’m daring to write a blog post even so.

Here’s what it’s all about. Depending on how frequently you read my newsletters, you may recall that, in late August and early September, I began enthusiastically promoting a new class on how to heal our relationship with money and open to greater abundance. It was going to start in October of this year, which would be…right about now.

It won’t be starting in October.

And you may also remember, if you’ve been on my mailing list for a while, that earlier this year I told you with great excitement about a program I’d be participating in that would qualify me as a certified “Calling In The One” coach, and I’d be enrolling clients in this new coaching program in the fall.

That’s not happening, either. I cancelled my registration in the training class and got my money back.

I wasn’t going to call these turnarounds to your attention. After all, why wave the flag of my fickle-mindedness right in your face? Chances are you didn’t even see those notices or, if you did, you promptly forgot them. Not that I’m thrilled with the idea of my newsletters and classes being so easily forgotten…but somehow that thought seemed preferable to the one that kept nudging me to ‘fess up and tell you the whole story.

It’s a short story, really. And here it is: I started moving forward with both of those plans, and then I changed my mind.

And here’s the rest of the story: changing my mind was liberating! In both cases the choice to pause, reconsider and then take a different direction ushered in a fresh wave of creative energy. I became acutely aware of how I had depleted myself with a stultifying commitment to “make something happen” just because I’d said I would, even though my inner voice was calling me to slow down and reconsider.

Of course, it would have been easier to change my mind if I hadn’t made public my original commitments. After all, I’d made the commitments not only to myself, but to you. I had a responsibility to follow through! Or so my smaller self would have me believe. But my Larger Self has a different view on things like commitment and responsibility. She helped me remember that my primary responsibility is to the truth as I see it and know it in each moment. And my commitment to you is one of openness, honesty and authenticity.

She also reminded me to lighten up. Clearly the world hasn’t come to an end because I’ve changed my mind. Even my own world is still going! Not to mention the fact that changing my mind has given me some juicy material for a new blog post.

So here’s the juice: it’s okay to change your mind. Really, really okay.

But let me very clear that when I say it’s okay to change your mind, I’m not saying it’s okay to whittle yourself down to a nubbin with constant second-guessing, with relentless back-and-forthing that prevents you from making any decision. It’s not about changing your mind a million times before you finally give up in exhaustion and then just take the path of least resistance. (Or sit in paralysis, not taking any path at all.)

It’s actually – paradoxically – about going ahead and making a decision and then “making it right,” as they say…again and again and again. I know, I appear to be contradicting myself here, don’t I? After all, making a decision and “making it right” seems like the very thing I did that got me in trouble: I made a decision and then stuck to it, only to discover it wasn’t quite right for me.

But let’s look a little closer. You might think that “Make a decision, then make it right” means to make a choice and then put your blinders and ear muffs on so you can’t see or hear anything that might cause you to stray from your choice. You might think it’s all about one-pointed focus and relentless inner cheerleading to keep yourself moving. And sometimes it can mean that.

Yet I’ve rediscovered, as I’ve given myself permission to change my mind about things that are really significant to my work and my business, that the “making it right” piece of that advice is really about making yourself right – or perhaps more bluntly, not making yourself wrong. It’s about not turning a changed mind into an opportunity to beat yourself up.

It’s about making yourself all right with your self, iffy choices and all.

Which is why we need the “again and again and again” piece. Life is an endless series of choices, and we can’t figure them all out in our heads before we take the first step! We have to step, choose, step, choose, pause, choose, turn left, choose, take a nap, choose, choose not to choose, choose, call a friend, choose…

Now of course, we owe it to ourselves to learn how to listen deeply to our inner guidance, so that our choices come more and more often from the place within us that always has our best interests at heart. That is the essence of good choice-making, but it’s a subject for another time. Still, let me emphasize one thing right here about listening to inner guidance: we have to keep listening, because this world, and our lives, are fluid and ever-changing. There are a lot of moving parts! Something that is right, right now, may be a little “off” a month from now. Time to listen in and choose again.

That’s why I’m a big fan of setting intentions rather than specific goals. (Not that goals can’t be helpful…another good subject for a future post!) Intentions provide what I call the “resonant frequency” we’re listening for. When I considered whether to change course with the certification program and the money class, I checked in with my intentions to stand in my genuine passion and talent as I serve my clients, and to do work I truly love. Holding those clear intentions helped me recognize that moving forward, in the exact manner and timetable I’d set for myself, would shift me out of alignment with those intentions.

So the choices were, ultimately, clear.

And I continue to listen, to choose and step and pause, then choose again. (Which includes choosing a different timetable for some things. That money class is still in the pipeline!) I’m choosing to choose, or choosing not to choose, in any given moment - and I’m practicing “making that right” each step of the way, which means I’m learning to find what’s good and right in each choice I make, even if the only “right” I can find is that I rediscovered something important for me to take to heart at a deeper level.

I’m reminding myself, as I so often remind clients, that I really can’t make a mistake; no choice is ever final. The universe is endlessly fluid and flowing with countless options. So go ahead – set your intentions, listen to your heart of hearts, then choose. And if your choice starts feeling like it doesn’t really fit…change your mind. Choose again. And congratulate yourself for having the wisdom and courage and humor to do it.

Even if it feels like you’ve got a little egg on your face.

Which Do You Choose: Problems...or Possibilities?

2011-09-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'd like to ask you a question. Imagine that everything you're working so hard to achieve has been accomplished: your retirement account is fully funded, a regular stream of income covers your ongoing expenses quite nicely, you're booked for the vacation of your dreams - and yes, you've finally lost those five "extra" pounds. Really, pause to close youe eyes and feel into what it might be like to be at peace, relaxed and trusting in the goodness of Life.

Okay, here's the question: Now what? What might the divinely creative aspect of your being feel ready to experience, to share, to create? What song does your soul want to sing?

And here's another question: Were you able to answer those questions?

If you're like many people, your mind may have gone blank - you've never even given yourself permission to consider such an outlandish scenario. Or maybe you got a little twinkle in your eye as you admitted to yourself the dream you have to write a screenplay or take piano lessons or get a patent for that invention you've been tinkering with - but then shut yourself down with admonishments of "impracticality." After all, your retirement account isn't fully funded, your income may not be covering all your expenses, and there isn't a vacation anywhere on your horizon. How could you possibly relax and think about letting your soul sing?

Let's get to the "how" in a minute. First I'd like to make a case for the "why" - why it is essential to let your soul sing, right here and right now. One of the creative principles of this vibrational universe we live in is that energy follows attention. Another way to say that is, what we focus on is what expands in our lives. When we keep focusing on needing to work hard to overcome obstacles, we get more obstacles we need to work hard to overcome. When we keep focusing on not having enough money, we experience ongoing lack. When we keep putting conditions on when and where we can be happy, and see those conditions as being almost impossible to meet, we can never be happy.

Thankfully, this dynamic works in both directions. When we lovingly and consistently shift our attention to what is good, what is loving, what is plentiful and what we're eager to create or experience, we start to feel good and loving and creative. We open ourselves to new levels of inspiration and insight. We get our creative juices flowing. We become happier and, frankly, a lot more fun to be around.

And when we dare to consider what our souls might want to create, we become bigger - bigger than the small, fearful self who keeps tangling us up in worry and analysis. We gain a broader perspective that helps us make sense of who we are and where we're going. We see things in terms of possibility rather than problems. The vibrational pull of our soul's song calls us to expand into our largest, wisest and most loving self. Doesn't that sound a lot better than keeping your nose to the grindstone and hoping you live long enough to have a little fun between retirement - if you ever get there, of course - and death?

Believe it or not, even in this economy, there are people who are living happy, fulfilled lives. Some have a lot more money than you do, some have far less. They're happy because they're choosing happiness, and they've learned how to get out of their own way and let it in. And that's really what it takes: a consciously declared intention, and then a letting-go of everything not in alignment with that intention. It's a process, and it does require your highest-quality attention, but it doesn't have to be "work." (In fact, if it feels like work you're heading back into obstacle-land.)

So where do you start? There are plenty of teachers and resources to help you make this shift - including yours truly! - but let me suggest a few things you can do right now:

Create a new habit of noticing and appreciating all that is good and right and delightful in your life, even the seemingly trivial things such as getting every light green on your way to work. Really pause to feel how much you appreciate these ever-flowing gifts of goodness.
When things don't seem to be going your way, take some time to be contemplative and ask, "How might this be serving me at a deeper level? What qualities is it helping me cultivate? Is it calling me to make a desirable change in direction?"
Practice thinking larger. Just a little. Keep expanding your ideas of what is possible. And have fun with it. Challenge yourself to think of reasons why the larger (or deeper, or more appealing) option could actually work.

Okay, that's enough to get started. (Or to restart, if you were previously on an upward spiral but then allowed yourself to cave into our cultural habits of cycnicism, frustration and resignation.) Let me also suggest a wondeful book called Things Are Going Great In My Absence: How to Let Go and Let the Divine Do the Heavy Lifting, by Lola Jones. (You can order it from her website at www.divineopenings.com). And of course, I'd welcome the opportunity to support you through my classes or private coaching. Email me at see@mysolidgound. to explore what might work best for you.

However you choose to stay supported, just do it. And keep choosing. In the words of best-selling author Tama Kieves, "You can do this. You must do this! You don't want to miss this life."

Me & Irene

2011-08-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

The wind is picking up outside as Hurricane Irene whirls her way toward Wilmington, Delware. Right now I feel cozy and safe, having prepared as well as I can for the storm (and still enjoying my fully-functioning electricity). My laundry is on its last cycle of drying, my cats are safe and sleepy, and I just concluded a deeply satisfying session with a wonderful client. In this moment, I am at peace. And staying connected with that inner core of peace is the intention I am holding as the weekend unfolds, even with the apparent likelihood of turbulence on the surface!

This morning I was reminded of the beauty and simplicity of a practice I often give clients, as a means of helping them regain a sense of inner rhythm and harmony with the flow of life. The practice is this: for some period of time (at least several hours but ideally for an entire day), do only what you have the authentic impulse, the energy and the willingness to do. All three must be present. More often than not, clients resist this exercise, fearing that their lazy selves will jump into the driver's seat and, well, stop driving; they're afraid they'll end up doing nothing but eating cheese curls and watching bad reality TV shows.

But when they actually do the exercise with sincerity and curiosity, they find what I've found time and again: that when we give ourselves the space, depth and self-trust to recognize and honor our true rhythm, that rhythm carries us into an almost effortless flow of action and rest, one that recognizes the true needs of the present moment.

This morning I gratefully experienced that effortless flow as I gave myself over to preparations for the storm. I cancelled a meeting that had been scheduled for weeks as my authentic impulse guided me to do, to free up time for taking care of things I would normally do on Sunday that require electricity. Although a disdainful voice tried to convince me I was shirking my responsibilities and that my cancelling would inconvenience the other person - surely if I just pushed harder I could accommodate both the meeting and the storm preparations! - I trusted the authentic impulse instead. And my meeting partner, who is on the west coast and unaffected by the storm, could not have been more gracious about my request to reschedule.

I went about my tasks at a swift yet unhurried pace. Flowing from one thing to the next without analysis or timekeepking, I even caught the "now would be a good time to vaccuum" wave - which, if you knew how much I dislike vaccuuming, you'd appreciate as the small miracle that it was. And when I close the laptop I will rest in the space of an unplanned afternoon. Who knows what new impulse might arise?

Of course by the time you read this I might be exhausted from bailing water out of my basement and really, really frustrated at the great inconvenience this storm has caused. (Or perhaps despairing at the damage and suffering it might have wrought.) But in this moment I am grateful for the peace I feel, because there was a time when I would have worried myself into a pointless frenzy over the weather forecast. And instead, I now hold an intention to be in harmony with this moment, and to deepen my capacity for releasing resistance to what is.

And perhaps I can even look to Irene as a reflection of my own inner power and ability to move forward with focus and force. I'm inspired by Jean Houston's Facebook post today, which she wrote in reference to the opening weekend of her Mystery School (which is in Irene's path):

"The weather and charged atmosphere inspires flights of thought and practices and action that stun and astonish one and all."

May we each listen to the voice within to guide us to safety, and be willing to be astonished by our own inner power.

Is Your Fear Going Up As The Dow Goes Down?

2011-08-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

The other day I was on the phone with a client and the subject of our world’s ongoing economic and financial crisis came up. She told me that a friend of hers had called her, in panic, after last Friday’s precipitous plunge in stock prices. The value of her 401-k account had dropped by a substantial amount and she was awash in fear about her future.

I suspect she was not alone.

Fear is a near-constant companion to many people these days. It’s virtually impossible to stay even remotely connected with current events and not feel a sense of frustration, foreboding or out-and-out panic. And yet, as normal a reaction as fear might be, it is remarkably unhelpful.

I’ve written about this before – in fact, it was the financial market collapse in the fall of 2008 that prompted me to pen my first book, “10 Ways to Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When the World Has Gone a Little Crazy.” But I don’t think the message can be repeated too often, since it’s one that is vitally needed and yet so difficult to embrace. And the message I’m talking about is this: fear cannot solve problems, it can only create them. Every time we allow fear to distort our minds and close our hearts, we move further and further away from the fresh insights that can yield solutions to our challenges. And we move further and further away from the peaceful minds that can create a world where fear does not rule.

And let’s be very clear that, at its core, this crisis is fueled by fear and all of its offspring – competition, greed, denial, gross materialism, the objectification and worship of money, making ourselves right and others wrong... the outgrowths of fear are many and varied. They are also deeply entrenched in our consciousness (and, apparently, in our Congress). And no wonder - our entire economic system is, in a real sense, grounded in fear: the fear of “not enough.” The allocation of scarce resources is the very definition of economics, and “scarce” is but a stone’s throw away from “not enough.” And “not enough” is scary.

Of course any given physical resource is ultimately scarce in that there is a finite amount of it currently available. Yet by focusing only on the scarcity of our material or even human resources – and by failing to perceive the great wealth of our intangible resources, and how they can often meet our true needs without resorting to pillaging our planet - we see a finite number of those resources; we see limitation. Limitation breeds fear of not getting or having enough, and so the scramble to get our share, to get more, begins. Yet in this zero-sum reality that we’ve created, more can only be had at someone else’s expense.

And this fear of “not enough” goes far deeper than our economic theories and policies. It lies at the core of our consciousness: we misperceive ourselves to be separate from each other, from nature, from God or Source or however you name the Life Principle. And that fundamental misperception of our separateness gives rise to an existential fear of aloneness and “not enough-ness.” We may not always be aware of that fear, but we’ve been conditioned by it for so long that it profoundly influences our beliefs, thoughts and actions. It shapes the world we live in.

And I think most of us would agree that the world we live in is in a bit of a shambles.

Which brings me back to the basic message that got me started: Fear got us into this mess; it certainly cannot get us out. The much-repeated Einstein quote is particularly clear on this point: We cannot solve a problem at the level of consciousness that created it. We must lift ourselves out of fear and look at ourselves, and our lives, through new eyes.

But how, exactly, are we to do that? First and foremost, I think we start by being willing to see the truth that fear is making our challenges worse, not better. In these uncertain times we have a responsibility to connect with our innate goodness and creativity and clarity of thinking, and that means we have a responsibility to navigate through fear rather than cave into it. And in the absence of being able to wave a magic wand to make the fear go away, I’d like to suggest some things that can help us on that journey. I’m not offering solutions to our economic crisis. I’m offering ways we can each get our heads above the deep waters of fear so we can breathe, see and think more clearly. So we can find solutions together.

But before I do, let me say that the ways I’m suggesting are simple, and I’m writing them with a light hand. That’s part of the method behind my seeming madness: to bring lightness into a subject that is heavy and laden with fear.

But please do not mistake lightness for inconsequentiality. Just as every choice you make to put down the fork if you’re no longer hungry, when you’re holding an intention to eat mindfully, counts – so does every choice you make to connect with love rather than fear. Every choice, small and large, counts. And with that brief reminder – here are my suggestions for navigating through fear without caving into it:

• Breathe. Deeply and often.

• Get on the floor. No, really. When panic or anxiety begins to make its presence known, it creates a real felt-sense of being ungrounded. So get grounded. And breathe while you’re down there.

• Take a look at your fears. Right in the eye. Put pen to paper (or fingertips to keypad) and write down everything you’re afraid might happen. Just start with, “I’m afraid that…” and make a list. It might include things such as, “I’ll never be able to retire.” “I’ll end up on the streets.” “I’ll get sick and won’t be able to afford health insurance.” Get it all down. (You might feel better already, getting them out of your head and onto paper.) Now challenge each and every one. Ask questions about them such as:

o Is this really true?

o Can I know for certain this will happen?

o What else might be true or possible?

o What resources do I have to deal with this uncertainty, tangible and intangible?

o Do I really want to dwell on this thought? Is it serving me in any way?

• Breathe deeply again. Notice that your heart, your creativity, your humor, your friends and family, your intelligence and resilience are far stronger than your fear. Now burn the list of fears.

• Deepen your connection with your own heart of hearts, and with whatever you know as Source or God or the Life Principle. Spend quiet time in nature, contemplating the enormity and magnificence of the Universe and Life’s insistence on living. Think of grass pushing its way through those tiny cracks in the cement. Think of the Berlin wall falling and communism crumbling in the former Soviet Union. Think of stars and babies being born, day in and day out. Think of your cat purring in your lap.

• Smile.

• Call people you love. Get together with like-minded others and brainstorm – no, heartstorm – possible ways to deal with the challenges you are facing.

• Breathe. Deeply and often.

I realized as I began writing this list that it could go on and on and on; I’ve barely scratched the surface. And that’s a very good thing. Just remembering things I’ve done that have helped me shift from fear to love made me feel lighter with each keystroke. I hope reading them has had the same effect on you. And I hope you’re inspired to create your own list of ways to navigate fear – and that you actually do them. Remember, fear cannot solve problems, it can only create them.

Let me close with a quote from Julia Cameron which, itself, has helped me during times of great fear. You might want to add it to your list:

“There is no circumstance immune to the power of love.”

Could Staying in a Job You Hate Be Your Path to Freedom?

2011-07-31T16:49:00.000-07:00

Years ago a country song came out with the title, “Take This Job and Shove It!” It seemed to get a lot of airtime – no doubt because many people held a secret fantasy of saying that very thing to their bosses and then walking triumphantly out of the workplace and into their new, wide-open life. A life of freedom. Ah, wouldn’t that feel good?

So it would seem. And in fact, it might actually feel good for a while. Yet if true peace of mind and a sense of freedom are what we want, walking rebelliously away from an undesirable work situation probably won’t give us access to that. And not just because we may have burned a bridge or two by speaking rudely and failing to give proper notice. I’m not talking about the need to extend professional courtesy so that people will still like us enough to refrain from passing along bad references. I’m talking about reclaiming a deep inner sense of our freedom to choose.

Now that’s freedom.

You might be thinking something along the lines of, “But that’s what the guy in the song did – he chose to leave that crummy old job!” And yes, on the surface he did execute his right to choose: he chose to leave. He physically walked out the door. But as the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.” You can change physical location without changing your internal experience of life and “how the world works.” If you walk away from something still harboring resentment toward it for making you miserable, you’re taking that resentment with you. Not to mention the tendency toward resentment, period.

Which isn’t exactly freeing.

A long time ago I heard the phrase, “You can’t really leave something until you love it.” It was just illogical and jarring enough to get my attention. Even though it didn’t make sense to my analytical mind, it somehow made sense to a deeper part of me that recognized it as true without fully understanding it. Since then I’ve had plenty of opportunity to explore it in depth. (And I expect I’ll have plenty more). Here is the crib notes version of what I’ve learned:

The “love” referred to in the phrase isn’t the gooey, sentimental love we associate with, say, Valentine’s Day. Nor is it the protective love a mother feels for her child. It isn’t even the kind regard we may have for a favorite teacher, or the preference we have for milk chocolate rather than dark chocolate. The love spoken of us here is, in a word, acceptance. You cannot leave something until you accept it. (And by the way, you don’t have to like it. You just need to release your attachment to not liking it.)

I like to think of this in terms of energy. Consider the energy of blame, judgment and resentment. Pause and really contemplate how they feel in your body and in your mind. It doesn’t take long to recognize that the energy of judgment and blame is constrictive; it literally tenses us up and closes us down, preventing a full flow of energy in and through our body-mind system. This is the opposite of free. When we are holding judgment we are holding ourselves apart from the creative life force that opens us to the solutions and experiences we are seeking. Which I’ve learned not only from my training and education, but from personal experience.

I remember when I was in the corporate world, I often felt resentment toward the senior executives for making what I felt were truly dreadful decisions. From my perspective they were myopically focused on the bottom line, and the share price, to the detriment of virtually every constituent in the business. I could probably convince you that my point of view was valid; I could offer evidence of their greed and short-sightedness and preoccupation with their annual bonuses. My ego would delight in convincing you of my rightness, and together we could rail against the gross distortions that a relentless pursuit of profit has, not only on our economy, but on our planet’s very ability to sustain life. I certainly wouldn’t be the first to make that point.

But here’s the point I want to make now: railing against something doesn’t actually change it. It only changes us, making us bitter and angry and resigned. In my own experience, it wasn’t until I stopped criticizing senior management and started realizing that this is how things are, that my attention was freed to look more deeply into myself. Instead of thinking, “It shouldn’t be this way!” I could ask, “Given that things are this way right now, what is mine to do?”

In looking inward rather than outward, I rediscovered a deep desire to heal and to teach. And while I tinkered with the idea of bringing healing, in some form, to corporate America, I ultimately chose to honor my heartfelt desire to work directly with women who were struggling, as I had struggled, to find my authentic path. Another person, after giving herself permission to take a time-out from complaining and seek a deeper truth, might discover a real passion for transforming the world of work. Rather than leaving, as I did, she may find a renewed commitment to staying for the purpose of leading real, positive change.

By pausing to step back from our judgments and complaints, we create space. We open ourselves to fresh insights and deeper truths. I’m not saying that what we’re observing, which gives rise to our resentment, isn’t true at a certain level; it’s just that dwelling in resentment itself prevents us from seeing the whole of the situation, our part in it – and our path forward. Acceptance is the only way to access that path.

So where does that leave you, if you dread getting out of bed each morning and count the minutes until Friday at 5:00 p.m.? Am I suggesting that you find a way to like where you are and get over yourself, already? Not at all. But I am suggesting that, before you leave as an act of desperation or revenge – or perhaps even worse, before you resign yourself to a lifeless career devoid of soul nourishment – stop. Take a nice, deep breath. And another. And another.

Set an intention to reach a place of acceptance (not resignation) with the job as it is right now. Get out a piece of paper and write down everything you hate about it. Let yourself feel what you feel without fanning the flames of criticism and resentment. Allow your emotional reaction to wash over you like the tide. And when it recedes, rewrite what you wrote in the language of neutrality: state what is without excessive value judgments. Here are a few examples:

Original complaint: “My boss is an ego-manic!”

Neutral observation: “My boss consistently makes choices based on how they will further her career, without seeming to consider their impact on others.”

Original complaint: “My boss micro-manages everything and it’s driving me crazy. She doesn’t trust me to do things right.”

Neutral observation: “My boss involves herself in virtually everything I do, giving me detailed instructions. She rarely accepts my ideas for doing things differently.”

Original complaint: “This company treats its employees like children!”

Neutral observation: “This company has policies and procedures for so many things, there is almost no room for creativity.”

I think you get the idea. Do your best to strip away character judgments and assumptions about the other person’s intentions; focus on what you can observe. And yes, your observations may include valid intuitive perceptions about underlying motivations – especially those that don’t align with your values. But suspend any tendency to make other people “wrong” or “bad” for acting in what you consider such a misguided way. Be as truthful as you can; don’t exaggerate the company’s ineptitude or your own angelic qualities.

When you’re finished, pause. Let things settle. Then ask yourself, “Given that this is so, what is mine to do?” Don’t rush to find an immediate answer. Give yourself time to meditate, to contemplate , to journal. Ask yourself, “How has this job served me? What qualities is it helping me cultivate? What is it showing me about myself that I most need to see and understand?” Again, don’t answer these questions the way you would check items off your to-do list. Really go deep within yourself, to your heart of hearts, and listen for the answers.

If you do this with sincerity, something will shift within you. It may not be huge, but it will be an opening into which new life can breathe. And then expand. Keep holding the intention for acceptance, until you can say with peaceful certainty, “Now is the time to leave,” or “I choose to stay here for now.”

And just notice how free you feel inside.

Reworking the "Money Equals Security" Equation

2011-07-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever opened a bank statement and, observing a diminished balance in your savings account from the previous month, felt a pang of fear? (Or maybe even, depending on how low the balance had become, felt assaulted by a full-on, frontal fear attack?) I suspect it’s fairly common during these tumultuous economic times, and it is a distinctly unpleasant experience. At the risk of stating the obvious, that fear arises because of our belief that money equals security. So when we have less of it, we feel less secure.

I know many people might object to my use of the word belief – money does equal security…doesn’t it? It is a fact, not a belief…isn’t it? From a certain perspective it is indeed true, as anyone who has lived without the basic necessities that money can buy would attest. And yet every true spiritual tradition tells us that nothing in the material world can be secured because all form is impermanent; our security lies not in the forms themselves but in our connection to Source, which feeds our creativity in generating the forms we need to sustain and nourish us. It is in cultivating our innate creative potential that we develop the flexibility, resilience and faith that lay the foundation for a different kind of security.

Helping me to see this clearly was a client I worked with recently whom I’ll call Kathy. After devoting several years to mothering her two children full-time, Kathy courageously and creatively navigated an emotionally trying divorce and the concurrent requirement to re-enter the work force. She had to quickly dust off an outdated resume and find paying work outside the home. And she did just that, taking on with great focus and enthusiasm a sales job which was 100% commission-based. In other words, there was no predictable base salary; she was paid only after she closed sales.

During the early years of her return to the workforce she supplemented her small but growing income by pulling money from a little nest egg she had in a savings account. Finally she reached the point where the income she generated from her job covered her monthly expenses, and the withdrawals from her savings account stopped.

Shortly after her monthly income and expenses reached equilibrium – and long after she had acknowledged a secret dream to find work that would be more deeply fulfilling to her – she discovered a training program she was genuinely excited about that would qualify her for the work she wanted. The fee for the program was several thousand dollars, and she hesitated to enroll because of the cost. As we explored her deep feelings and fears about considering this investment, she shared with me that she really didn’t want to touch her nest egg because leaving it intact gave her a feeling of security.

I completely empathize with the association of a tidy sum in a bank account with a feeling of security. But like so many of us, Kathy was confusing “effect” with “cause.” She thought the nest egg gave her security, when in truth it was her inner security that gave her the nest egg. It was her confidence and focus and creativity that was exchanged in the marketplace for cash, and in continually expanding her talent, skill and productivity she expanded the cash flowing into her life.

Now she had an opportunity to invest in her true self, to expand her capacity for giving and creating from the place within her that most wanted to give and to create, and she hesitated because of a misguided belief that money provides security. She temporarily forgot that money has no inherent worth or power; it has only the power we give it, which means that the power is ours to give.

Kathy’s nest egg, while not being the source of her security, was a reflection of her power and creativity. As a form of energy it held the potential to support her ongoing learning and expansion. Yet that potential could be released only through her conscious choice. Money must be put into circulation to release its value; money sitting in a bank account, or stuffed under a mattress, provides no security if we don’t actually exchange it for what we need.

Admittedly the purity of this concept gets a little muddy when we factor in the element of time. Until we are able to instantaneously manifest our desires from the life-giving field of pure potential, as Jesus did in multiplying the loaves and the fishes, we are wise to save money for future needs rather than putting it all into circulation right now. Yet the choice to save money for our future is just that, a conscious choice we have the power to make. And as our present unfolds into our future, we choose when, and how much, to withdraw from our savings. The power is always within us – the power to choose, to direct our energy in the form of money in accordance with our highest intentions.

This may seem like a trivial point, but I see it as fundamental to the shift in perspective that is needed when we seek to live our dreams. If we view money as a source of security, we subtly disempower ourselves. Security is seen as an object outside of us rather than as an innate aspect of our inner creativity and connection to Source. And as we chase that outer symbol of security, we’re more likely to choose work that pays the most, even if it does not provide an opportunity to develop our true passion and talent; we’re also more likely to hold onto money that we’ve accumulated, as Kathy did, rather than invest it in ways that could enrich us on all levels.

So if, like so many of us, you believe that money equals security, how do you begin to shift that belief? Let me be honest – that isn’t the kind of shift that generally happens overnight. Yet the earnest effort to reach for the deeper truth about the nature of security can open us to fresh insights and a greater sense of creative freedom. Here are a few steps you can take right now:

• Be willing to see “money equals security” as a belief, and to consider the possibility that it might confusing or constraining you as you seek to live your dreams.

• In your journal or on a notepad, write “What is the real source of my security?” at the top of a page. Put the pen down, close your eyes and quiet your mind. Consciously let go of any preconceived notions of what the answer might be. Invite Source to fill you with clarity and insight. When you feel at peace, open your eyes, pick up the pen and start writing. See what shows up.

• For the next week pay attention whenever you interact with money in any way – when you purchase something, when you check online to see if your paycheck has been deposited into your checking account, when you open your 401-k statement. Notice what you’re thinking and how you feel. Take notes about what you observe at the end of each day. Then at the end of the week pull out your journal and answer the following questions:

o How would I characterize my current relationship with money?

o Am I earning and spending it in alignment with my highest intentions?

o What change(s) might I make to bring me into greater alignment with my highest intentions?

• If you don’t have a regular spiritual practice already, contemplate deeply your willingness to commit to one. It is only though an intentional connection with Source, and the deeper wisdom that issues from Source, that our deepest needs can be seen and met.

As I said, this shift in perspective doesn’t happen overnight; it takes conscious choice and effort. As does virtually everything in life that is worthwhile. Imagine how you might feel – and how you might live your life – if your inner peace didn’t fluctuate with your bank or portfolio balance. Imagine the clarity, insight and inspiration that could arise from that deep sense of peace. I say that’s a peace worth cultivating. You might even call it…security.

Can Your Soul Help You Make Good Money?

2011-07-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

Imagine this bizarre scenario: you’re called upon to represent your cousin Barb in the salary negotiations for her new job, and naturally she wants to make good money. The negotiations are starting right now. And that’s not all: as improbable as the act of negotiating someone else’s salary with virtually no advance notice might be, what makes this scenario even stranger is that Barb is a distant cousin living halfway across the country. You’ve never met her and you don’t know anything about her. And there’s no time to call her for a crash course in Life As Barb.

Somehow you have to decide what “good money” would be for your cousin and do whatever you can think of to get it for her. You’d likely find yourself vacillating between wanting to nail a really big number – to be sure she earns enough to pay for everything she needs – but also wanting the negotiations to go smoothly, which would be easier if you didn’t ask for too much money. (After all, you don’t even know how good she is at what she does.)

A preposterous challenge, don’t you agree?

And yet, if you’ll allow me a big helping of artistic license, many people experience an eerily similar challenge in their own lives – not because they’re asked to represent a cousin whom they’ve never met in salary negotiations, but because they’re deciding what “good money” means for themselves without consulting the one person who really knows: their own best and highest self - the Wise One within, which I think of as the soul.

The soul knows quite a bit about good money – and about living a deeply fulfilled life. And, quite often, the soul’s direction is 180 degrees away from what we’ve been conditioned to believe. We’ve been taught that “good money” is the amount that maximizes what we can get; the soul knows that “good money” supports us in maximizing what we can give.

From spiritual masters to modern studies on happiness and fulfillment in the workplace, we are told that true happiness arises not from making more money than we’ve ever made before, but from serving others in a meaningful way. We experience fulfillment when we know that our contributions matter. We want, simply and deeply, to make a difference.

And of course we want a good home and clothes we enjoy wearing and maybe a really nice beach vacation every year…I’ll get to that in a moment.

Or maybe I can get to that right now.

Because the really cool, holistic and dare I say elegant thing about putting our souls in charge of our money is that our souls align our “gets” with our “gives.” The soul starts with identifying what we most long to heal, create and share – what we deeply want to give ourselves and the world that moves us toward wholeness and the realization of our highest potential – and then discerns what we need to have in order that we may give fully and generously.

I’m thinking now might be the perfect time for an example.

I read an article recently about a woman who grew up on a lake and cultivated a deep and abiding love of the water. She became a boat captain and started her own business taking people on adventurous, aquatic vacations. Over the years she’s observed a shocking amount of garbage swirling in even the remotest areas of the ocean, and has become a tireless advocate for cleaning up our precious seas. She recently started a nonprofit research and education foundation and routinely observes, measures and reports on the levels of garbage in our water, and also promotes new technologies for getting rid of it.

This woman needs a boat.

I, on the other hand, do not need a boat. At one point in my life, back when I was under the hypnotic spell of relentless messages about the “good life” and all it supposedly included, I might have been convinced that having a boat was a great way to reward myself for all the hard work I was putting into climbing the corporate ladder. (A highly unlikely scenario, I’ll be the first to admit, since I can’t even swim. Still, I can distinctly remember being lulled into thinking that having high-status, expensive things equated to having “made it.” Hence my unfortunate decision to buy a car at the age of 21 whose price equaled the annual salary of my first job out of college. I can assure you I never made that mistake again.) I shudder to think of the gross misallocation of time and energy I might have devoted to making the kind of money I’d need to buy a boat.

Which is exactly the point: putting our souls in charge of our money helps us allocate our time and energy wisely. When we start the “good money” conversation by asking what we most long to heal, to create and to give, we are focused in a way that helps us identify our true needs. Our energy is aligned with our highest intentions rather than scattered among countless alternatives that have no real relationship with who we are and what we’re here to give.

And that doesn’t always mean, by the way, that our true needs can or should be met with less money than our false ones. For many people, coming into right relationship with money means they need more of it in order to support their soul’s needs for healing, creating and giving. The key is to consult the inner Wise One to get the real answers.

And that, truthfully, is easier said than done, with the countless voices in our heads giving us all kinds of mixed advice and confusing us with both crippling doubt and ungrounded wishful thinking. It can seem easier just to play by the rules and aim for getting the most money we can as fast as we can, then figure out what to do with it as we go along. The problem with that is it reinforces the false notion that our happiness arises from having rather than giving, and so we increase the likelihood of being unfulfilled.

So where does that leave us? It’s not likely that we can turn around our ingrained habits of earning and spending money overnight, but we can start where we are. Get in the habit of setting aside quiet time for deep inner listening and ask yourself, with sincerity and openness and genuine curiosity, “What is it that I most long to heal, create or share in my life? And what do I need to be supported in that?” Give the exploration plenty of time and space, and feel for a deep sense of “rightness” in the responses. Write them down, and ask the Wise One what step you can take that moves you toward fulfilling those needs. Then take it.

And repeat: keep asking, keep listening, keep stepping forward. I know you’re going to want to figure it all out, already, especially the part about how you’re going to make the money your wise soul has determined you actually need. There are plenty of resources, both inner and outer, to support you in making that happen. But the foundation for that process is holding the intention to put your soul in charge, and to do that you need to actually listen to its voice.

So just start listening.

It's Not About the Money - But It's Not NOT About the Money!

2011-06-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

During the tenure of my corporate career, I went from being a young, idealistic girl to a not-so-young and increasingly dismayed woman. Thinking that corporations were in business to provide a service, I was naively shocked to observe, time and again, a relentlessly myopic focus on the bottom line. On making money. And on creating bonus plans that generated payouts for senior executives that could have covered the annual salary of several of the hard-working employees who made it all possible.

It became increasingly, overwhelmingly clear to me that when “making money” becomes the objective, huge distortions are introduced in the process of creating and selling something in the marketplace. Prices are raised disproportionately to value, costs are cut without full consideration of the impact of those choices on employees, the community and the environment, and the focus narrows to a short-term, quarter-to-quarter view that disregards the natural continuum from present to future.

As I wrote in an impassioned letter to the CFO, imploring him to talk some sense into the senior executives, all I could see was a relentless transfer of wealth from the many to the few. It was difficult not to become a little cynical. (Okay, I actually did become a little cynical. Maybe more than a little. And that’s how I knew something had to shift in me, and in my life. But that’s another story.)

Life is not about making money. Life is about life, about living fully into our potential in joyful service to the Whole. And yet in the life we have created, money serves an immensely useful purpose as a medium of exchange. I am forever grateful that I do not have to find farmers and seamstresses who are in need of coaching services so I can barter with them for food and clothing. Whew!

Yet I remain wary of not letting a misplaced desire for money distort my authentic intention to serve others through my work. And this lingering distaste for chasing money and materialism that many of us share can, itself, create distortions. It can distort our healthy appreciation for money. It’s easy to “get” that life isn’t about making money – but it’s harder to grasp how to come into right relationship with this undeniably valuable tool for graceful living.

I know many good-hearted, well-intentioned people – people who are centered in a genuine desire to create valuable products and services that help others – who cling so fervently to “It’s not about the money!” that they’ve forgotten how to allow money into their lives. Having seen, as I did, that putting money first almost always means putting what really matters last, they vow to do it differently. So they decide to turn things around and put money last.

Which almost always means they don’t have enough of it.

It’s common, when observing something that doesn’t work, to assume that its opposite must be the solution. But putting money last isn’t the solution to freeing ourselves from the tyranny of chasing it. In an odd way, it simply creates a different kind of tyranny. Whether we chase money or avoid it, the very charge we have around it reflects what I call an “unholy alliance” between money and power. We keep giving money the power to prioritize our choices, whether we regard it as good or evil. And relating to money as the source of our power is never a healthy choice.

So we need to find a new way of relating to money. Which is a bit more than I can cover in a single blog post! But I’ll continue to share my thoughts about it in future posts. Those of you who know me, know that helping people shift their relationship with money is an integral part of the teaching and coaching work I do. I won’t leave you hanging!

And in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. How would you characterize your relationship with money? Is it healthy? Dysfunctional? Missing in action altogether? Whatever it is, you are not alone. Let’s heal it together.

Embracing Your Inner Procrastinator

2011-03-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I led a workshop with the same title as this blog post. (I must admit it was a classic example of teaching what we most need to learn.) I’ve had an uneasy relationship with procrastination for years, and decided a while back that it needed a little TLC and probably a fresh insight or two. So I set an intention to learn more about procrastination and practice healthier ways of relating to it.

And I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve made tremendous progress! (Although I’m still working out some kinks, as you might guess from the length of time that has passed since my last blog update…)

In this post I want to share with you a little of what I’ve learned that has helped me – and my clients – the most. If you’ve ever struggled with procrastination, and the damning self-judgment that almost always accompanies it, a small but profound change in perspective could make all the difference for you. And I sincerely hope it does. So…here goes!

First I want to emphasize the need to use both tenderness and humor as you explore why you put things off. Procrastination is not a character flaw! It is a signal to get curious, to treat yourself with great respect and compassion, and to experiment with new ways of thinking and acting. It is not an invitation to judge yourself as severely lacking in some critical ingredient for success.

I know how easy it is to feel immensely frustrated with a tendency to procrastinate, and that frustration quickly morphs into self-judgment. But the simple truth is, self-judgment doesn’t work. Often our inner procrastinator is a bit of a rebel, and we can’t heal rebellion by heaping more judgment on it – judgment only increases the tendency to rebel. So I hereby request that you firmly set aside any judgment about procrastination. Just do it.

Now let’s start with the basics. Procrastination is generally either fear-based resistance…or love-based inner guidance. (Don’t you feel better already, just knowing that love could be in the mix?) And here’s the really good news: sometimes procrastination isn’t procrastination at all! It is simply the rhythm of our creative process, the ebb and flow of how we get things done.

So the first question to ask yourself is: am I really procrastinating? Or am I ultimately getting done what I want to get done, in its own perfect time? Imagine nothing else changing about how you do things except your inner monologue about how lazy you are and how you should be doing them sooner or faster. Can you imagine how free you would feel without that haranguing hawk of a judge inside you? You would feel wonderful.

Step back and take the long view. See if this thing you’re calling procrastination could be the incubation period of your creative process. See how the apparent delays may actually be serving your artistic need for exploration, rumination and fertilization. (Or much-needed rest.) See if you’re actually getting done what you want to get done, even if the timetable is a bit different than your inner control freak might dictate. Be willing to see it this way, and then see how you feel.

Of course, sometimes we really are putting things off that we think need to be done; we’re not creating, we’re avoiding. But before jumping back onto the self-judgment bandwagon, consider the possibility that dragging your feet is a form of inner guidance. Maybe this thing you’re avoiding doesn’t really need to get done, or maybe it doesn’t need to get done right how.

So the next question to ask yourself is: Am I avoiding something I truly want to do or have done, or something I think I should want? Is this really mine to do? I could give you several really juicy examples of people who have dared to ask themselves this question, and realized their so-called procrastination was really a form of inner guidance helping them stay on track with their true priorities. But in the interest of keeping this post from expanding into a novella, I won’t. Still, I hope you will ask this question seriously of yourself. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Okay, now let’s dive into the deep end of what most of us mean when we say we procrastinate: we’re putting off something we really do want to do or have done. Something that is truly ours to do. Yet we resist doing it…and then we berate ourselves for that.

This is where the tenderness comes in, because that kind of procrastination isn’t helpful guidance. It’s fear masquerading as resistance and justification (e.g., “I don’t feel like it right now…” or “I really don’t have the time…”). And if we can recognize the fear, we can bring compassion rather than judgment to the process. We can talk and coax ourselves into a more supportive mindset, as we might a frightened child (the part of us who is generally running the show at times like these). We can nudge ourselves lovingly into a little forward motion.

So when we’re avoiding doing what we truly want to do, we start by quietly asking: Why am I procrastinating? If I set aside all justifications and judgments, what am I afraid of? What am I afraid I’ll discover about myself?

(Quick tip: if your first answer is “Because I’m lazy” – or something equally damning - remember that’s a judgment and not at all helpful.)

Look firmly and gently for the specific fear underneath the resistance.

…”I’m afraid that even if I do it, then…”

…”I’m afraid I’m just no good at it…”

…”I’m afraid I have nothing useful to say…”

Once you’ve named your fear, bring your loving curiosity and a sincere willingness to see things differently to the table. Ask the following questions:

With respect to what I’m afraid of…

…is it really true?

…is it possible it’s not true?

…what else might be true that is even more relevant and helpful?

…what kind of support might I need to move through this?

All of these questions are useful. Sometimes just taking the time to ask what we’re afraid of, to write down our honest answer and then ask, “Is this really true?” is enough to dissolve the fear. We see clearly, once it’s stated in plain English, that what we believe to be true is only a childish fear. It is not true. And we can let it go.

Other times it’s not so easy dissolve a fear, and those times are when the question about what else might be true is particularly powerful. It calls us to reach for a deeper truth, one that is more empowering and kind.

For example, I may keep putting off writing because I’m afraid I’m just not that good at it, so why bother? Actually, I’m not just afraid I may not be good at it, I’m convinced that I’m not; but if I get quiet and ask myself what else might be true, I discover that I’m willing to get good at it, and that mastery doesn’t happen overnight. I remember that I have the passion and the willingness to keep practicing. And I remember that “being good at it” is highly subjective, and compared to how I was just a few short years ago, I’m pretty darned good. And resting in those deeper truths, I find my willingness to practice again.

It’s also a good idea to create a powerful affirmation of your deeper truth, one that is clear and inspiring. Mine could be, “I have what it takes to be a good writer!” or “My passion and willingness to practice writing are taking me where I want to go.” And once you’ve created your power statement, call on it repeatedly when that old familiar resistance shows up. Just take a deep breath, place a loving arm across the shoulders of your frightened inner child, and remind her of what is really true.

Uncovering your specific fears and creating powerful statements of deeper truth is one simple and effective way to support yourself in this process. Other ways include…

…Writing about why you want what you want, to get deeply connected to the satisfaction or fulfillment you long for, which is inherently motivating.

…Taking the tiniest, babiest steps you can think of – and celebrating each one as the victory that it is.

…Enlisting the support of a partner or coach.

There are undoubtedly countless other ways to stay supported and inspired. The important point is to recognize that you are deserving of that support, and to actively create it. And don’t forget, there is simply no room for judgment in this healing process. As my coach once said to me, in the words that have helped me time and time again, “You’re just going to have to love yourself through this.”

So love yourself through it. And take all the time you need.

Please be sure to visit my website for information on classes, workshops and private coaching.

Tell The Truth About Your Life

2011-02-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

I've had more than a few conversations recently about the wild swings and ongoing uncertainty in our economy. Even as many of us are feeling a new surge of grounded optimism, we can't help but notice the chaos and ugliness in the world around us. Should we be happy or worried? Should we take new risks or hunker down and hope the ill winds don't blow in our direction? Should we upgrade our crumbling kitchen or sell the house and move to the Cayman Islands? Should we trust our accountant or our inner voice?

Helping clients grapple with questions like these is what prompted me to write my first book in 2009, so I decided to share a chapter from it in this blog post, just to give you a little taste. The title of the book is 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy), and I invite you to visit my website to learn more (http://www.mysolidground.com/) or use the above link to go to Amazon.com and see all the wonderful reviews! I'm honored by the positive feedback I've received about the book so far, and would be delighted for you to check it out, if you haven't already.

And by the way, although the economic downturn was my catalyst for writing the guide, it is intended to be a loving support during any period of uncertainty or transition in your life. So whether you're feeling a little wobbly because of the economy, or sensing a longing and readiness to create a bigger life, this book can help. I wrote it and offer it from my heart, and hope you will receive it with yours.

And now without further ado, here is Chapter 4 from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy). Enjoy!

Tell The Truth About Your Life

When everything is working according to plan, we fall into the mindset, patterns and routines that keep the plan in place. We go about our lives, executing tasks and checking things off our to-do lists. We get things done and keep going, without question, because there is a certain sense of security in knowing what to do, how to do it and when to do it. But when these patterns and plans begin to crumble, we recognize that what we thought was security was only predictability – a numbing sameness that seduced us through mere repetition. It felt like something we could count on. Until, suddenly, we couldn’t.

Now is the perfect time to pause – since you don’t know what to do, anyway – and look with fresh eyes at the life you’ve been living. What’s really working here? What isn’t? How are you feeling? What are you tired of? What do you need? What is your soul longing to be, do, create or experience? What are you, finally, ready to acknowledge? What kind of life do you want to live?

These are the unanswered questions that await you in the void, and it’s only when you let go of knowing how your life is supposed to go that you can begin to see how your life wants to go. Since you’re just floating about anyway, why not take advantage of this freed-up perspective to look at your life with loving curiosity? What might you be ready to release or stop doing? What is itching to emerge? Who have you become, and who do you want to be?

Keep asking, and be willing to answer truthfully. There is no need to posture, defend or justify. Just tell it like it is, with as much compassion, humor and perspective as you can muster. Maybe now is the time to admit, finally, that you’re in the wrong job, and all the energy you’ve poured into convincing yourself otherwise has depleted you. (You might even be secretly hoping to get laid off.) Or maybe you can finally see that you’re in the perfect job, even though it’s not as glamorous as the one you thought you should have, and it needs more of your focused energy and attention than you’ve been giving it. Maybe now you’re ready to take that course you’ve wanted to take for so long. Maybe now is the time to look at those credit card statements and see if all that stuff you bought is really making you happy. Maybe now is the time to tell the truth – the whole truth – about your life.

This isn’t easy to do. You might twist and squirm a little, trying to avoid naming your truth. You might even feel like a failure or sell-out for having ignored it all this time, and so you keep trying to pretend that maybe it isn’t really your truth, after all. Maybe this lifeless path is as good as it gets, and your task is to stay the course and talk loudly so you can’t hear the distracting murmurings of your soul.

But here is the beauty of this chaotic time: as the path you’ve been walking literally dissolves beneath your feet, you’re given a sort of “life amnesty,” an opportunity to come clean with yourself. There is no penalty for admitting that you’ve been heading in the wrong direction. You got a little lost, that’s all, and now you’re ready and willing to find your way back home. You’re ready to acknowledge your truth and let it light your way, step by step.

excerpted from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (copyright 2009, Suzanne E. Eder)

Let's Not Be Selfish

2011-02-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

The scene is a familiar one. I’m sitting across from a client as we explore possibilities for getting her dreams out into the world. She tells me, hesitantly and almost dismissively, about an experience or two she had, times when she dared to share her talent and genius with someone else. And the “someone else” was blown away, deeply moved or inspired or in some way helped by my client’s brilliance. But before I can jump into the story with her and ask her to tell me more, to share with me how it felt, to consider where that kind of energy might lead, she stops cold.

And she says something along the lines of, “But that was so long ago.” Or, “I think that was beginner’s luck.” Or, “I just don’t have what it takes to really build something with that.” Or the ever-popular, “But that won’t make me any money.”

Instant possibility-killers.

And that’s not the worst of it. What I’ve come to appreciate, more deeply than ever before, is that our habitual tendency to dismiss our talent - and our longings to share it with others – is just plain selfish. And I don’t mean the “good” kind of selfish that arises from love and reflects a healthy desire to nourish ourselves. I mean the petty, whiny, self-indulgent kind of selfish that arises from fear and reflects the inner admonition to keep ourselves small.

When we hold our talent in, we withhold it from the world. We deprive others of the wisdom and inspiration and beauty and playfulness and knowledge and support and fantasy and warmth and dazzling insights that we have to share, if only we would. And without those things, the world is a dimmer place. It lacks a certain vibrancy. It is in a fundamental sense incomplete, as the very contributions needed from us to make it whole are missing.

And all because we’ve decided we’re somehow not good enough. We think we’re sparing the world our ineptness, when in fact we’re depriving it of our greatness. And we’re depriving ourselves of the immense joy and generosity and aliveness we could feel if we celebrated and surrendered to our innate creative genius.

That’s a lot to deprive ourselves of. That’s a lot to deprive the world of. And that’s why I call it selfish.

I’m not trying to play the guilt card here. But sometimes we need a little shake to wake us up to a deeper truth. And the deeper truth here is that what we most long to create or give is what the world most needs from us. It’s an elegantly designed system that can function beautifully if we all do our part. And our part is to recognize, honor and empower our deepest longings and talents.

I know, I know, you may not know where or how to begin. You may be living such a crazy-busy life that cultivating a talent or two seems overwhelming. You may have convinced yourself that you really can’t make any money at what you love so why bother? I’m telling you, firmly and clearly, to set all of that aside. None of it matters. What matters is that you are fully alive and that you are giving the best of what you have to give to yourself and others.

Here are a couple of things I’ve learned that may help you get started - or stay committed – to living your dreams:

• Joy and passion are their own reasons for being. They do not need to be justified or to create specific results in order to “count.” Every moment you open to the life force of creative energy within you is a moment that counts. Every time you open the laptop and write, or pull out the sketchpad and doodle, or take your children on an adventure that delighted you to plan, or sing out loud because you feel so alive when you sing, or teach a friend how to play bridge, or practice with love and dedication that new piano arrangement you want to learn – every time you immerse yourself in your most cherished talents and longings is a moment fulfilled. Give yourself more of them.

• The real treasure in committing to honoring your dreams is in who you become. You grow into a person of immense courage and integrity and generosity, a person who loves life and loves herself and illuminates for the world what a love-filled life is like. You grow into someone you respect, and someone other people want to be around. You grow into who you were meant to be.

• Don’t make it about money, at least not right away. I’m a huge proponent of challenging our beliefs about what has value and what can be exchanged for money in the marketplace, but if we demand too soon of our talent that it covers all the bills, we strangle that very talent with our rigid expectations and subterranean fears of not having enough. Create space in your life to nurture your talent and let it build its own momentum and direction. Practice appreciating your talent and your self each step of the way, for it is only through loving appreciation that our talent can grow and flourish. And when the time is right to offer our creations and services in the marketplace, we’ll be fortified with the inner certainty that what we’re offering has value.

Okay, I think that's enough for now. Are you with me? I hope so…I love good company! And even if you have to take it on faith, know that you really can do this. Actually, only you can do this…this, that you most want to do. Decide that who you are and what you have to give really matters. (Because it does.) Dare to make your dreams a priority in your life, right now. Lavish your talents with dedication and appreciation. Relish them and look for opportunities to share them with others. Please, do it.

Because to do anything less is just plain selfish.

Putting Our Souls in Charge of Our Commitments

2011-01-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure last weekend of meeting a local author whose book, The Practicing Mind, is one of the top sellers on Amazon.com. Tom Sterner was the featured speaker at a local spiritual center where I was promoting an upcoming workshop. I loved his talk and so hurried to buy his book after the service.

Having just finished reading it, I feel confident in recommending The Practicing Mind as a powerful manifesto for developing focus and discipline as a path to inner peace. Tom’s writing is clear and thoughtful and his guidance is eminently practical. As synchronicity would have it, the timing of the book showing up in my life is quite perfect, as I’ve committed to increasing my own levels of focus and discipline this year in the areas that really matter to me.

And I got another surprising benefit from Tom’s book – the impulse to write this blog post, inspired by a story he shares in an early chapter. He tells us about the decision he made at a certain point in his life to take up golf. He chose to honor and support this newfound commitment with golf lessons, which he approached with great dedication. It was immediately clear that the students in the class who practiced regularly made significantly more progress than those who did not.

One of the students whose skill did not progress was a woman who had signed up for golf lessons because she was in the corporate world and felt that playing a decent game of golf would further her career; she would be able to participate in the strategic planning conversations and spontaneous brainstorming meetings that arose regularly on the golf course. Now let me be clear about the fact that I have no idea who this woman was, or anything at all about her inner life. But Tom’s description of her reminded me of many people I’d met in my own corporate career who pursued golf for just that reason. And I remembered the pressure I’d felt to do the same.

While Tom made the valid point that committed practice would have yielded better results for her (and the also valid point that most of us don’t really know how to approach practice as anything other than a chore, thereby depriving ourselves of an opportunity to surrender to the process and the moment), I saw something else in the story. I was reminded of how essential it is to choose our commitments based on what we are truly called to do – not because we’ll possibly advance our career, but because the very doing of it expresses, in some fundamental way, who we are.

I’ve seen time and again that what creates true fulfillment in life is what we create, give and experience that arises from our strengths and passions. We naturally serve others in bringing forth the brilliance within us. But so often we make commitments based on what we think we should do to get ahead, leaving our deeply held longings in the dust of our hurried race to the future.

I can remember thinking years ago, with heavy resignation, that I should learn to play golf. Everyone who was at the highest levels of the company played golf; it seemed to be a requirement for making it to the top. Yet golf had no inherent appeal to me, and the one time I tried it I was miserable. I’m sure if I was skilled at it – a skill requiring committed practice – I would have enjoyed it more. But without the inner desire to experience myself as a golfer, I had no willingness at all to practice. None. I could have tried forcing myself to just do it, but I did not.

Thank God. Because that would have been a complete waste of my talents and skills and natural desire to help others through my teaching and writing. Learning to play golf in a misguided attempt to further my career would have been a choice arising from my ego’s need to fit in and prove that I was a team player worthy of greater titles and benefits. It would have been false, soul-denying and inherently depleting. I might have become an adequate golfer, but I wouldn’t have become who I am deeply called to be.

I agree wholeheartedly with Tom that a devotion to practice is essential for living a rich and fulfilled life, whether we’re practicing golf or meditation or writing or changing how we think about things. But we need to choose what we’re practicing wisely. And that’s why learning to recognize the inner voice of our soul is so important, because the soul’s longings point us unfailingly toward our highest potential and deepest satisfaction. That’s their purpose. Our authentic longings are deep and penetrating. They’re an ever-renewing energy source that powers our ongoing devotion to practicing whatever we need to practice to become our highest and best selves.

My soul's longings to teach and write and discover the deepeset truth of who I am keep me focused in a way that merely deciding to do something does not. They are patient and yet lovingly relentless, reminding me again and again to reorder my priorities to align with them. And when I do, I experience myself as clear and powerful and worthy. Life becomes lighter and yet more purposeful at the same time. Our longings are the gateway to our genius, calling us to try, to explore, to cultivate, to practice. And practice becomes the path of inevitable growth and expansion into the person we wish to become.

So let’s dare to put our souls in charge of our commitments. And then let’s really commit, full out, with the loving devotion our souls dearly deserve.

Inner Light

2010-12-23T07:24:00.000-08:00

Darkness falls early now. With each passing day I find myself surprised anew at how quickly the sunlight fades this time of year. I never seem to get used to it, even after decades of repeated exposure to the changing seasons! I long for light even as my body instinctively welcomes the darkness, wanting nothing more than to slow down and rest. It seems, at first glance, to be an uncomfortable opposition of forces, this longing for light and darkness at the same time.

Our culture tells us to go for the light. It convinces us to ignore any thought of slowing down and retreating into darkness; we are exhorted instead to do more, buy more, cook more, party more. We keep the lights on well past sundown in our homes and offices, forcing ourselves to maintain a pace that is completely at odds with the inner self who flows with the cycle of the seasons. We are a culture addicted to doing, producing, buying and achieving, and hidden beneath that addiction is fear.

We are afraid of the dark.

At a level below our conscious awareness, we are afraid that if we slow down and look into the dark corners of our lives, we will find ourselves lacking. We will stumble into a heap of evidence proving that we are flawed, we are lazy, we are mean-spirited, we are weak. We are simply not good enough. That’s what drove us into all the frantic “doing” in the first place: we wanted to avoid the pain of feeling “not enough,” and we wanted to prove to ourselves that maybe, if we worked hard and did all the right things, we could be enough.

So we turned away from our inner pain and marched into the glaring light of the outside world, steadfastly denying any impulse to come back in. And here we are, busily managing our to-do lists and planning midnight shopping sprees and double-booking ourselves for holiday parties, even as autumn fades gracefully into winter and our inner being calls out for rest. We’ve forgotten that periods of darkness and rest are essential to growth, creativity and life.

And we’ve forgotten something else. Deep within each of us, waiting quietly in the darkness, is an inner light. It is the light of our truest being, an eternal spark of divinity. In the words of Barbara Brennan in her best-selling book, Light Emerging: “It is your unique essence…the individuated divine within you.” As a student at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, this light was introduced to us as the Core Star, because those who are gifted with an expanded sense of visual perception actually see it as a brilliant, sparkling star in the very core of our bodies, a central point just below the heart. This is the light that awaits us when we are willing to turn away from the outer world of doing and rest within the stillness of Being. Burning brightly behind and beyond the darkness of our fears and doubts and judgments, it is the magnificent light of our true self.

I am reminded of a song from the play Godspell. (I dabbled in musical theatre back in the day, and Godspell was my all-time favorite play. It was a rowdy and rousing musical based on the gospel of St. Matthew. It may not have pleased biblical scholars, but we sure had fun doing it.) The song’s title was, “You Are the Light of the World,” and it was boisterous and uplifting. It had goofy lyrics such as, “The tallest candlestick ain’t much good without a wick,” and “…if that light is under a bushel, it’s lost something kind of crucial!” Yet the song somehow left a real and lasting impression on me. I loved the idea that each one of us is the light of the world, and it’s our job to tend our inner flame so we can shine brightly and brilliantly. That felt right and true to me.

Years later, as a senior at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, I rediscovered that sense of rightness and truth in Barbara’s teachings about the Core Star. It was thrilling to contemplate an inner light not just as a spiritual metaphor, but as an energetic reality. This Core Star is the divine dimension of our human existence. It is more real than our personalities and our bodies in that it is eternal, yet at the same time it infuses our personalities and bodies with our very “realness,” our uniqueness. The Core Star is the birthplace of our talents, gifts and aspirations. It is the everlasting flame of our creativity.

Knowing I’ve got my own personal star within me has provided immense comfort during challenging times and an expanded sense of peace and possibility during good ones. This brilliant light can never be sick, dull, frustrated or depleted. It never whines or complains. It is never in a foul mood. (And it never has a bad hair day.) It radiates my highest qualities, my purest creative impulses and my deepest love. When I remember to connect with this light, it softens the rough edges in my psyche and warms me from the inside out. When I invite and allow this light into my life, life becomes lighter. I become lighter.

And so this is how I reconcile the seemingly opposite longings for darkness and light as winter approaches. I make time for physical rest and meditation. I slow down and turn my attention inward. As my swirling thoughts begin to settle, I close my eyes and allow myself to simply be still in the velvety darkness. I breathe as deeply and slowly as I can without forcing my breath in a particular way. And then, ever so gently, I focus my attention on my Core Star. I imagine that with each breath I take, it becomes brighter, stronger and more radiant. With each breath I take it expands, infusing every cell and fiber of my being with its celestial glow. With each breath I take, I am lifted out of the darkness and into the light.

It is a simple yet powerful meditation, and one I hope you will try. Even if you don’t embrace the notion of a core star within you as “real,” focusing your thoughts on it as a symbol or metaphor can be calming, inspiring and enlightening. Take some time to consider your light. Pause and honor your gifts, talents, passion, willingness and courage. Step back to rediscover what the holiday season means to you, and how you wish to express that meaning in your life. Slow down enough to notice what moves you deeply. Consider what you are longing to create or experience in your life. Reflect on all you have gained from previous creative endeavors, and all you have learned. See, feel and know yourself as the highest and best you can be.

There is magic in the changing of the seasons. As the days of autumn become shorter, allow the waning of outside light to remind you of the radiant and loving light within you. Allow the light within you to ignite your mind with clarity and truth. Allow your unfettered truth to choose what is important for you to do – and not do – this holiday season. And allow this holiday season to be a celebration of light, your light. Because you are the light of the world.

The above article was originally published in the December 2009 issue of Living.Well Magazine.

Put This Purpose First

2010-12-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year when the already-crazy demands on our time and attention ramp up at warp speed. Even when we're committed to honoring the true spirit of the season, holding intentions for mindfulness and gratitude and simplicity, it's challenging to maintain our centeredness when all of our senses are bombarded with relentless messages to buy, to decorate, to plan, to cook, to bake, to party, to give to charity, to draw a name for the Pollyanna, to do, do, do, do more...

It can be a bit stressful. Crazy-making, actually. And the best antidote to crazy that I know is - are you ready? - Self-connection. And I don't mean connection in the form of an inner debate with our small, worried, taskmaster self, but rather as deep communion with our highest Self. Sacred time we set aside for contemplation, journaling, meditation or prayer. Not as one more thing we have to squeeze into our day, but as the one thing we embrace that opens us to clarity and peace in every day. Genuine Self -connection is both a magnificent gift to ourselves and a responsibility we hold when we are committed to realizing our fullest potential. We simply cannot live authentic, meaningful and inspired lives when we are disconnected from the inner truth and magnificence of our highest selves.

I've recently finished a book written by Barbara Marx Hubbard, a brilliant futurist and one of the early founders of the Human Potential movement. She has lived a full and vibrant life and, at the age of 80, is still vital and engaged and teaching and creating. The title of the book is Emergence: The Shift from Ego to Essence, and it's a highly personal yet universal account of the process of what she calls fully incarnating as her Essential Self. She describes a commitment she felt called to make to devote substantive time each day to this intention, in the form of deep meditation and journaling.

For a period of 21 days she spent three hours every morning immersed in this profound experience of Self-connection. And this was at a time when she was under extreme pressure to finish a crucial project to which she had committed. Time and again her worried self tried to talk her into cutting her Self-connection time short so she could make those phone calls and schedule those meetings and develop that curriculum, already! Yet she chose to honor instead her audacious commitment to true Self-connection; her inner voice told her firmly and repeatedly to "put this purpose first."

So she did, and discovered in doing so that she was renewed and replenished in a way far beyond what we normally think of as renewal and replenishment. She felt regenerated, alive and open and deeply at peace. She became more effective rather than less so, moving through her life from a whole new state of being that was profoundly clear and centered. Not only did she "get done" what she needed to get done, she experienced a state of joy and relatedness with others that completely elevated her sense of Self and life purpose.

Now, granted, she wasn't also trying to buy dozens of holiday gifts or bake a thousand cookies. But the point is that even as her external life became crazy with stressful demands, her commitment to genuine Self-connection became the solid ground from which she could meet those demands in the most inspired and effective way. In putting that purpose first, she served herself and others with great integrity and vibrancy.

I've experienced this phenomenon myself - even without ever having spent three consecutive hours in meditation! Yet my morning practices of journaling, prayer and meditation center me in a way that nothing else can, and on the rare day that I omit them, I find myself more prone to worry and distraction and procrastination. (Not to mention garden-variety grumpiness and irritability.)

So as we dive headlong into Holiday Season 2010, let's make a pact to put this purpose first: to start each day in communion with our highest Self, inviting it to soothe us and guide us and inspire us. Let's declare peace within as our greatest means to realize peace without. And let's just see how much we get done.

Showing Up

2010-10-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

I woke up on a Sunday morning not too long ago, with an unwelcome sinus headache, to gray skies and a steady rain. I was scheduled to lead a workshop at 1:00 p.m. at a location more than an hour's drive away. As of the day before only two people had registered for the workshop, plus one who was a "maybe." When I'd spoken with the event promoter I told her it might be best to cancel. She was willing to do so if I insisted, but reminded me that people often show up to workshops at the last minute, without having registered ahead of time. I said I would think about it.

As I shuffled around my kitchen that bleak morning, absent-mindedly feeding my cats and making my morning coffee, all I could think of was what a perfect day it would be for sitting in front of a cozy fire. Or napping. Or both. I was tired and achy and wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. But the coffee was on and so I sat down to breakfast and an impromptu date with my journal.

I wrote honestly about how I really didn't feel like driving over an hour in the rain to lead a workshop for two people. Surely they would understand if it was cancelled; I had a right to declare a minimum number of participants in order to hold a class. Yes, cancelling the workshop would fall easily within any reasonable code of conduct for a workshop leader. I had almost convinced myself to stay home.

Except...except for an oddly quiet but persistent thought that seemed to arise not from my mind, but from somewhere deep inside my being. It told me, simply, to go. To lead the workshop. Not because I was going to have an unexpectedly full class and make lots of money and sell dozens of books and CDs, but just because teaching is my work in the world. Leading that class, that day, was mine to do.

I closed the journal and stood up. All the inner debating about whether or not to go had subsided and I went about the process of getting ready with great ease. There was little traffic on the long drive and I arrived in plenty of time. I had five people for the class - and more than that, I had fun. The energy in the room flowed and sparkled, and each of the participants had at least one "aha!" moment for which they were sincerely grateful. I was in my element, sharing new perspectives and insights and responding to questions as best I could. The time flew. We listened and learned and laughed. And I even sold a couple of CDs.

It wasn't lost on me that my choice to go was the perfect reflection of the theme of the workshop itself: daring to live true to your dreams. I'd been moved to create the class after reading a wonderful quote from Michael Beckwith. He said, "Do not look for your dreams to come true. Look to become true to your dreams."

I find that profound and profoundly helpful. Especially in this day and age when so much material about the Law of Attraction seems to imply that we can simply think and visualize our way to success, this deeper truth reminds us that we need to become the people our dreams call us to be. We need to do the work of identifying our highest and best intentions, and then aligning our beliefs, thoughts, language and action with them. We need to learn new ways of navigating through our resistance, our self-doubt and our fear. We need to listen to the still, small voice within that always has our best interests at heart.

We need to show up for our dreams, not because anyone else is going to reward us but because showing up for them, over and over again, is how we bring them to life. It is how we come alive to Life itself.

And so that day I brought my dreams to life. I didn't headline a conference or autograph hundreds of copies of my best-selling book - both of which I would dearly love to do! - but I stood present in my longings to teach and support others in a meaningful, authentic way. And those five beautiful souls received me with great warmth, eagerness and appreciation. They chose to spend their valuable weekend time with me, and I was honored by their choice. And I'd like to think that, in that workshop, we lit a spark that cast its brilliant light on their dreams. I hope they follow that light and keep showing up for their dreams.

Even - or especially - on gray and rainy days.

Giving Up

2010-10-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

One of the most transformative experiences I've had on the spiritual path is learning to let go of worry. That may not seem like a big deal, but it has been for me. There's a strand of high-octane worry that runs through the gene pool on my mother's side of the family, and it happily took up residence in my DNA. For years I was a world-class worrier - in fact, I've come to think of my years as a financial analyst, with all of those what-if projections into the future, as being a paid worrier! So at least there was some benefit...that, and being a worrier bonded me with my mother and my uncle - we joked about the many dire outcomes we could effortlessly call up even when things were going just fine. It was a way for me to "fit in" and so it became part of my identity.

But over time it became abundantly clear that in order to live a truly authentic, purposeful and spiritual life, I would need to untangle myself from the worry habit. I knew from my reading and studies and interactions with people who graced me with their clear, peaceful and powerful presence that this was possible, and so I held a firm intention to learn what they knew, and to practice and embody it as well as I could.

And guess what? I found that it IS possible to let go of the worry habit. Most of the time, if not all of the time. And that translates into a much better time for me. I still go through cycles of worry, to which my friends and family can attest, but I'm able to coax and coach and love myself through them, to find the solid ground of my deeper truth and not get pulled into the undertow of fearful projections and damning self judgment. (I'm also better able to receive the loving guidance and perspectives offered by my friends and family who can see clearly when I cannot.)

So here I am, feeling pretty darn good about my ever-growing capacity for inner peace and self-trust, when I find myself wide awake at 3:00 a.m. not too long ago, being tossed and turned by a rising tide of panic about my future. No problem, I initially thought; I'll just do what I know to do and will be back asleep in no time. I took several long, deep breaths. I brought my attention to my body, reminding myself that while these thoughts were temporarily with me, they were not me.

They had a different opinion and were quite vocal about it.

So I breathed even more deeply, and fixed my attention on the soles of my feet where all was calm. I could re-center in peace there. But those damned thoughts followed me all the way down, taunting me not only with visions of an impoverished future but also of my complete impotence in dealing with the thoughts themselves.

I revved up my determination to shake them and got sucked into escalating, back-and-forth cycles of "I'll show you who's in charge here!" First the negative thoughts, then my resolve to ignore them, then the negative thoughts again - even more convincing this time - then the effort to silence them, then...I'm sure you get the picture. What started out as a simple practice to shift my attention away from worry and into calm, became an inner conflict fueled by my judgment of some thoughts as "good" and others "bad." I was locked in struggle and finally, in absolute frustration, I declared simply to myself, "I give up."

I Give Up. It wasn't a premeditated strategy, it was what arose in the moment as the only sane thing I could finally do. And boy was it ever. In that instant of giving up, I was filled with the most welcome sense of tender spaciousness I've known in a long time. I was completely calm. My mind attempted to disrupt the calm with, "But what exactly are you giving up? Are you giving up on your dreams?" but by now I was on to her tricks. And there was no way I was going to allow any interference with that incredible, spacious calm. So I simply repeated, "I give up," and I was returned to sanity. Then I fell into a deep, restorative sleep.

I awoke the next morning feeling more deeply at peace than I've felt in a long time. I reflected on the poignant and profound experience of surrender that had ushered me into this place, and realized that what I had given up was the struggle. I had given up the damning judgment of myself that said I should know how to stop worrying, for God's sake! I had given up needing to know exactly how my dreams could be realized. I had given up knowing how to do anything. What freedom.

This is not to say that efforts to shift our attention away from worry and toward the deeper truth of our being are ineffective. They are effective, and worthy of our devoted practice. But when that devotion morphs into a twisted demand that we fix this thing that is "wrong" with us, we automatically create inner conflict that can do nothing but deplete us. We cripple what started out as a loving practice with a sense of struggle - and it is the struggle we are called to give up so that we can find our way back to center.

So if you're struggling with anything right now, try giving it up. Give up needing to figure it out or get it right. Give up all of your self-judgments. Just for this moment, give yourself some space. And let me know what happens.

Getting (Re)Started

2010-09-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

You’ve probably noticed that it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. Quite a big longer than my once-per-week commitment would allow, given that my last post was on August 23rd and it is now almost one month later. That was one heckuva long week, wasn’t it?!

I could tell you about all the many challenges I’ve faced during this time, but frankly that would be beside the point. The simple truth is that I didn’t feel at all inspired to write…but I couldn’t just let myself be at peace with that. No, I would vacillate between giving myself permission to suspend work on the blog and taking myself to task for failing to honor my commitment. And as I ping-ponged back and forth between those two perspectives, I stirred up that age-old fear that every writer faces from time to time: I have nothing to say. I may as well just hang a digital “closed” sign on the blog, pack up and go home.

And so I did, for a time. I rolled over and allowed the weary voice of failure to call the shots, even as a tiny part of me was tugging at me to get back up and start blogging again. Just do it, she exhorted me! I liked her energy at first, but as I continued to avoid my blog day after day, her voice became a bit more urgent. She was trying her best to rally me into action, telling me all kinds of good things and assuring me I could just get back on that horse and ride.

And as encouraging and affirming as she was, I found her just the teensiest bit annoying and decided to ignore her.

More time passed. I wondered if I still remembered the login and password to my blog. And then I stopped thinking about it.

Until this morning, when I decided to consult my Wise Self about the situation in my journal. I already knew, of course, that judging myself for procrastinating would never provide the motivation I actually needed to get moving, and in fact would shut me down further (which it already had). So I’d moved past the self-recrimination but still hadn’t found an opening for action. Trying to coax and prod myself into writing – even in the most gentle and loving of ways – just wasn’t working.

And that’s when my Wise Self offered a whole new perspective. She encouraged me to share everything that I was feeling right now; and so, along with disappointment in myself over not maintaining my blog, I offered to her my sadness at having to cancel my beach vacation this week. I love the beach, and here on the East Coast the weather is beach-perfect. I would love to be there. I long to stand at the ocean’s edge and gaze at the horizon, with my feet sinking into the warm, moist and yielding sand.

So I wrote about that and paused. Deep breath…then my Wise Self reminded me of the wisdom of canceling the vacation, and suggested that my image of sinking into the sand was just what I needed to support me in restarting the blog. Rather than holding it as something apart from me that I had to do, or as some kind of small mountain I had to climb, why not view my blog – and all of my work – as a warm and nurturing presence that supports and comforts me? Why not sink into my longing to help people see themselves and their lives through the eyes of love? Why not see my writing not as a task, but as a natural and accommodating ground for my work? Why not simply soak in my love for what I do?

Why not, indeed?

I thanked my Wise Self and closed my journal, resting a moment in deep appreciation for her simple yet powerful suggestion. And I have to tell you, I’ve been looking forward all day to writing this post! I’ve been looking forward to sinking my heart into a connection with you that I hope brings some needed reminder or the spark of a new insight.

Perhaps you will be comforted to be reminded that…

…You have a Wise Self and he or she is always with you, just waiting for your attention and curiosity.

…Speaking openly and honestly with yourself about your feelings – acknowledging them without wallowing in them – clears space for new perspectives to be recognized.

…Changing your perspective of anything changes your experience of it.

…Working with imagery is a powerful way to change your perspective.

…Judging yourself will never lead to inspired thought or action.

…What you love is an integral aspect of who you are.

…Surrendering – sinking in – to your longings fosters internal wholeness and integrity, whereas seeing them as “things to do” that are outside of you promotes inner conflict.

…Writing blog posts really isn’t all that hard.

So I’m back and delighted to be reconnecting with you through this modern medium. And I’d love to hear about your experiences with your Wise Self, with imagery and journaling, with releasing self-judgment, with sinking in to your longings – or with any other insight this may have sparked in you! I hope you’ll post your comment so others can benefit, too.

Until next time…

Living the Dream

2010-08-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have a client who recently returned from a high-profile, high-impact consulting engagement halfway across the world. In the interest of protecting her privacy I won’t share the actual details of the project, but I will tell you that her work is directly related to solving some of the most important environmental challenges of our time. It is essential, life-giving work that serves our planet and our species.

And her soul. This is the kind of work she’s dreamed of doing for years.

It’s also the kind of work that takes years to develop, and there were many times she was almost tempted to give up. Maybe she actually did give up a few times – tired and frustrated and overwhelmed – but then she gave in. She gave in to her deepest longings and highest aspirations, and she let them re-inspire her again and again.

She also, not incidentally, invested in coaching. This client, whom I’ll call Kristin just to keep the writing a bit simpler, decided that her dreams were worthy of her energy, attention and commitment. As a Ph.D. she knew she had the educational and technical background for the work she wanted to do – not to mention the kind of work experience that gleamed like a precious jewel on her resume – but she also knew there was something holding her back.

For Kristin, as for so many of us, the “something” holding her back was a constellation of fear-based beliefs that had fooled her into thinking all kinds of disempowering thoughts - and feeling the icky, suffocating fear that kept her stuck on the couch rather than reaching for the stars. This network of assumptions about who she was and how the world works was seductively convincing, and in spite of her obvious qualifications for doing the work she loved it kept whispering to her of hardship and failure.

You may recognize some of its “logic” in the following statements, commonly held by even the most educated and thoughtful among us:

…It’s a male-dominated world and I won’t be heard.

…It’s not what you know, it’s who you know, and I just don’t have a big network.

…I don’t have the kind of money I need to get this going.

…There are already so many _________ out there, how can I possibly compete?

I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the drift. And I’m not saying there isn’t an element of truth in these observations, but what’s important to understand is this: there is always a deeper level of truth than what we see on the surface. In fact, these surface observations often cover another whole constellation of false beliefs that further hide the deeper truth and reveal, instead, our fear and vulnerability. Beliefs such as…

…I just don’t have what it takes.

…I’ve never been truly successful.

…I’m too introverted to really make this work.

…I don’t know how to do this.

Again, I could go on and on, but the point here is that, in the absence of the kind of loving and clear-minded support that a talented friend, mentor or coach can provide, it’s all too easy to let these conclusions about life – and about ourselves – remain unchallenged. It’s all too easy to see ourselves as small or limited in some way. It’s all too easy to see only obstacles before us, and fail to see the brilliance within us.

It’s all too easy to give up.

It’s all too easy to forget the deeper truth that our love and creativity are far more powerful than our fear, and it is our sacred responsibility to cultivate and embody the love that we are.

Kristin knew it would be too easy to give up on her dreams, and so she invested in coaching. As her coach I hold her vision with her – and sometimes for her, during those periods of self-doubt. I help her challenge the limiting beliefs and connect with the deepest and wisest part of her being. I support her in creating practices to cultivate and honor her talents and gifts – and the immense power that the longing to express them awakens in her. I help her discern the inner voice of truth and guidance, and encourage her to trust that voice. As my coach, Tama Kieves, has helped me.

It turns out that we’re really not meant to do this alone. (What fun would that be?!) And while I recognize that paying for support may seem like a luxury you can’t afford, what I’ve learned is that I can’t afford not to be supported. I can’t afford to give up on my dreams, because in living them I am, finally, fully living. Investing in my dreams, through coaching and many other means, has been the most fruitful and life-giving investment I have ever made.

And so I hope you’ll take your own dreams and longings seriously. I hope you’ll invest your energy, time and attention – and yes, your money – in them. I hope you will commit to creating the life you came here to live, moment by moment, day by day and year by year. And I hope, like Kristin, you will relish reaping the rewards of that loving and lifelong commitment.

Seeing with New Eyes

2010-07-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite quotes, which is also the tagline for my monthly column in Living.Well magazine, is this one from Marcel Proust:

"The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."

Time and again in my life, and in my work with clients, I have witnessed the profoundly transformative power of this great truth. When we change how we see things, we change what is possible. Seeing with new eyes gives us access to the kind of paradigm-shattering potential that can end racism, sexism and every other "-ism" that divides us; it reveals opportunity in the midst of struggle; it softens our hard edges and invites us into deeper and more meaningful relationships with each other and with life. Seeing with new eyes is the art and science of conscious evolution, moving us toward higher levels of harmony, beauty and truth. In the absence of our willingness to look again, to look more deeply, to look through a new lens, we remain stuck in our prejudices, our blindness and our smallness. We fail to realize our most cherished potential.

Creating and exploring new perspectives on things is something I engage in frequently with clients who are committed to personal growth and transformation. Interestingly, in our therapeutically-savvy culture, many will identify this approach as a specific technique known as reframing. But for me, the intention to look with new eyes at something is a far nobler and more enterprising undertaking than simply "reframing" it. After all, the very notion of reframing suggests that the fundamental picture hasn't changed, we're just dressing it up to look a little better. It's sort of like finding a silver lining in the cloud...helpful to be sure, but there is still a cloud.

When we seek to look with new eyes, we're not just trying to make the cloud appear less threatening. We're holding an intention to see our experience not as a cloud at all, but as something altogether different. It's sort of like that picture you may have been shown in a "think outside the box" seminar: you see either an old hag or a sophisitcated young woman, depending on how you interpret the play of lines, light and shadow. It isn't that you're putting a pretty frame around a picture of an old woman to make her look a bit more appealing; the picture itself is seen as something completely different.

And the same is true when we hold an intention to see differently - and to be clear, I'm talking about a specific kind of "different." I'm talking about a willingness to see through eyes of love rather than through a lens of fear, doubt and judgment.

Let me share an example from my life that I've seen reflected in the lives of many clients who are seeking to find or create more fulfilling work. Despite having graduated with top honors with a challenging double-major in accounting and economics, despite having been hired by one of the most prestigious accounting firms in the world, despite having made a successful transition into a Fortune 500 corporation, despite having been repeatedly promoted and given every opportunity to reach the highest levels of the company - I did not, in fact, reach the highest level of the company. I bailed out. I didn't really have what it takes to become CEO, or even CFO. I - dare I say it? - failed. I didn't attain the career success that the greater part of my waking adult life was centered on achieving.

If I were to merely reframe that experience, I would remind myself of all the wonderful friends I've made along the way, the great salary and benefits I enjoyed and the innumerable skills I've developed that serve me wherever I go. I might even be generous enough with myself to point out the many ways I added value to the company and improved the lives of employees there. I would pat myself on the back and feel much better about my failure.

But when I hold the intention to see my work experience with new eyes - with the eyes of wisdom, compassion and the deepest truth I can know - what I see is this: I had to "fail" at what wasn't mine to do. That was the only way I could be open and available to create and commit to what is mine to do. In fact, my failure to reach the corner office wasn't a failure at all, but the inevitable and life-affirming result of my deeper intention to find work I truly, deeply loved.

And so seeing with new eyes isn't about ignoring our true experience, or pretending things didn't happen the way they did. It is about interpreting our experience in a way that reveals our highest nature and deepest truth. And when we do that, we connect with a magnificently wise and wonderful aspect of our being that wants what is best for us, always. We gain access to the kind of wisdom, clarity and self-trust that create a firm foundation for moving forward with quiet confidence. We open ourselves to what is possible rather than locking ourselves into endlessly repeating stories of our failures and shortcomings. We keep becoming more and more of who we truly are.

This is the true power of seeing with new eyes. It is literally a creative act: we're not simply reframing something, we are rewriting it. And again, it isn't about telling exaggerated stories of our talent and bravado; it is about looking deeper and seeing the innocence, the longings, the persistence, the courage and the willingness to learn underneath the surface experience. It is about recognizing that when we fail to live our truth, no one is served. It is about acknowledging the role that fear has played in our lives, and seeing that it isn't a good master - and seeing, too, how we kept going even though we were afraid, or resigned, or doubtful. How we wanted to keep going, how we deeply yearn for the highest and best that we know lives within us.

So be willing to see the highest and best within yourself. Claim your true talents and aspirations and generosity and courage. Treat yourself with dignity and respect.

And dare to rewrite your story.

What the World Needs

2010-07-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

There are times when I feel so clear and inspired about the work I do, so committed to helping empower others to honor, trust and follow the longings and wisdom of their souls, that my whole life comes into focus in a particularly joyful way. I feel aligned, energized, on purpose. I buzz with ideas and inspiration and countless ideas for ways to expand my work and my business. I almost burst with gratitude for the opportunities and rewards of doing this sacred work.

And then there are other times. Times when I don't feel like that at all, not even a teeny bit. Times when I question everything, doubt almost everything, and fear pretty much eveything else. Times when I just can't see the point of what I'm doing, especially when there are so many crises in the world that demand our immediate attention. I find myself asking, "What does the world really need with another coach, another spiritual teacher? There are so many out there already, really good and talented and famous people who are already providing these teachings to the world..."

This is an important question. I think we do ourselves, and our world, a great service by asking what the world needs, and seeing how and where our talents and gifts might line up with that. Yet I think we also do ourselves, and our world, a great service by asking what we need. What we truly, deeply need - what we long to create, give or experience. We are, after all, an integral and essential part of the whole, and so what we need counts.

I'm not speaking here of what our ego might think it needs to be liked, to feel safe, to be "special," to be approved. I'm talking about the deepest yearnings of our soul to live a meaningful, passionate and purposeful life, the secret longings we often judge as too big or too hard or too far-fetched. The ones we judge as silly or woo-woo or simply impractical. The ones we think someone else will do, or has already done, far better than we could ever do. The ones we keep ignoring.

It turns out that these longings are the very thing that bring us to life. When we allow ourselves to honor them, to trust them and to follow them, we connect with a vibrant Source of energy that literally enlivens us. We become more open, more present, more engaged than ever before. We become better parents and siblings, friends and co-workers because we sparkle and shine. We experience gratitude for the profound pleasure of being alive with the freedom to follow our hearts. And as we give ourselves to our longings, they begin to grow and evolve, leading us step by step to their highest expression.

I'm reminded of my coach, Tama Kieves, who - despite graduating with honors from Harvard Law School and beginning her career as an attorney on the fast track at a prestigious law firm - wanted to write poetry. Longed to write poetry. That's all she knew, at first. And so she did. She carved time and space into her life to follow her longings. And guess where they led? To a thriving career as a best-selling author, teacher and coach, one whose writing is so lyrical and inspiring and passionate you might be tempted to call it...poetry. She is a poet, and she is so much more. And her writing and teaching are a great gift to all of us.

Which brings us back to what the world needs, and a wonderful quote from Harold Whitman:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. Then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

I know this to be true. I've experienced it first-hand and have witnessed it in others. Yet still the doubts come, as they did not too long ago. So I pulled out my journal to have a conversation with myself. I invited my doubts to unload their heavy cargo into the patient and waiting arms of my wiser Self. My doubts whimpered, "What is the point of working so hard to put these teachings out in the world, when Tama Kieves and Deepak Chopra and Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle and so many others have already done so, and brilliantly? Am I just wasting my time? Should I be getting out into the world and helping in some more direct way?"

I paused. I took several deep breaths and intentionally reached for the highest and deepest wisdom I could hold. I picked up the pen and wrote, "Let me remind you that seeking to shift consciousness is the most direct, most powerful way to work toward an enlightened society. Do not be tempted to devalue or abandon the work of your heart which flows so naturally from your longings and gifts; seek instead to elevate and expand its value. And yes, in many ways you and the others are all teaching the same thing. And that is really, really good. You are adding your unique voice to a beautiful chorus, and as the song becomes louder and more vibrant, more people will hear it. Think of it this way: Deepak and Marianne and Tama and the others need and want you to join the chorus! Your energy and passion can only enhance the song and its ability to reach people. You are not in competition with them, you are joining with them to strengthen and expedite the shift in consciousness that is called for."

This is true not just of my work, but of yours. Your soul is longing for ever-greater expressions of creativity, if you will but listen and follow its promptings. Do not be tempted to devalue or abandon the work of your heart which flows so naturally from your longings and gifts; seek instead to elevate and expand its value. Know that even if there are already hundreds or even thousands of other filmmakers, painters or founders of non-profit organizations, you are unique. The message you long to share, which others may indeed already be sharing, flows through you in a distinct way that will resonate with people who have not yet been touched. Or it will touch those who have already been reached in a deeper and more meaningful way. Your voice matters.

So join the chorus of souls who are singing their true song, knowing in their heart of hearts that what the soul longs for is exactly what the world needs. They are one and the same.

Asking the Right Questions

2010-07-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

It's a very familiar conversation. I'll be working with a client who currently feels stuck on something, and invariably she will say something like this: "Why do I keep doing this?" (Or its equally popular sister, "Why can't I change this?") She doesn't really say it so much as whine about it. And there's usually an accompanying eye roll, shoulder shrug or perhaps even a large bulging vein in the neck as the question morphs into a demand to know: Why, why, why do I keep doing this??

"This" could be anything from running late to every appointment, to coming close to quitting a job she hates only to talk herself out of it again, to attracting only unavailable men when she's looking for a committed relationship. (As you probably know, there are myriad highly creative ways we can - and do - put up barricades between ourselves and the highest vision we hold for our lives.) Asking why we're doing something that isn't serving us would seem to be a great place to start in taking down that barricade. And it can be - but it usually isn't.

Here's why. First of all, we've asked ourselves that question a million times and usually come up with an exasperated, "I don't know! I just can't figure it out!" But more importantly, the question itself is almost always a veiled form of judgment. Underneath the question is a damning belief that there must be something wrong with us. And so we give up before we even start. After all, if there is something wrong with us, what's the use in trying to change anything? It's clear we don't have what it takes. If we did, this pattern would be gone by now...

But the deeper truth is that, almost always, the patterns in our lives that stand squarely in the way of realizing our souls' longings arise from a vulnerable, fearful place within us. And we must remember that we are more than that place. We have deep-seated fears and habitual ways of covering them up or acting them out, but we aren't those things. We are wiser and stronger and more noble than we can even imagine when we're cramped with fear, and asking the right questions is like throwing the door of that tiny space wide open and walking outside where we can see clearly in the bright light of day. The right questions can give us access to our true wisdom and our deepest motivation for change.

Although I'm not much of a "formula" person, I have learned that the best questions to ask of ourselves, when we're seeking to shift out of a negative pattern, are the ones that begin with what, when, where, how or who. Questions such as...

...What am I gaining by continuing this pattern?
...What am I avoiding by continuing this pattern?
...What am I afraid will happen if this pattern is no longer in my life?
...When did this pattern begin?
...Who might have taught or shown me this pattern? What might their reasons have been?
...Where and when is it most likely to show up?
...How might I begin to shift it?
...What kind of support might I need to make the shift?
...Who might be able to help me with this?

The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the drift. And just as important as asking the right questions is asking them the right way. And by that I mean with great compassion and curiosity, reaching in deep to your heart of hearts. Asking and answering these questions is not a mental exercise in "figuring something out," it is a soulful exploration of your most tender places with an intention for discovery and understanding. Imagine how you might hold a small, trembling child who is trying to tell you what frightened her. You would probe gently, listen intently and offer her a new way of looking at things. You would reassure her that she is safe. You would be kind.

We need to be that kind, that caring and that tender with ourselves when seeking to shift a negative pattern. Trying to bulldoze our way through change with willpower simply won't work, at least not over the long term. That's because in simply forcing ourselves to take different action on the surface of our lives, we overlook the deep inner fear that gave rise to the behavior we wish to change. And that fear will assert itself again, just as soon as our willpower fades and our vulnerability is at risk for exposure.

So we serve ourselves well in learning to meet fear with kindness and understanding - and yes, a firm resolve to stop it from running the show. And the best way to cultivate that kindness and understanding is by listening deeply to ourselves...listening deeply to our answers to the kind of questions that open us to greater self-awareness and self-compassion.

Asking the right questions.

And being willing to answer them honestly.

The Law of Distraction

2010-06-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

I spoke recently with a prospective client who hoped I could coach her through the process of obtaining a very specific job at a very specific company within a very specific timeframe by using the Law of Attraction (LoA). I suspect all of you reading this blog have at least heard of the LoA, and perhaps have been working actively to develop your own relationship with it, so I won't use this post to explain in any depth what it is. But for the sake of context and clarity, here is a quick overview: the LoA is a spiritual principle which reflects the fact that we're living in an energetic, vibrational universe, and that like vibrations attract each other while unlike vibrations are repellant. Much of the popular LoA material focuses on changing our thoughts, which offer a vibration, to match the vibration of what we want. Techniques such as visualization, affirmation, prayer, journaling and others can be used to focus our beliefs and thoughts in a way that supports the manifestation of our desires.

Or at least, that's the promise. In my coaching practice I have worked with numerous people who have tried these things, only to discover they don't really seem to "work." In my conversation with this particular prospective client, she,too, shared her frustration with having tried these techniques in the past without any real success. She described having put quite a bit of effort into them, thus increasing her frustration because she'd worked so hard for nothing.

Helping people understand why this frustrating dynamic keeps showing up is an ongoing challenge for me as a spiritual coach. If we're spiritual beings whose nature is defined by spirit and consciousness, then why doesn't our adherence to spiritual principles yield more fulfilling lives? This is a question far bigger than I can address in a single blog post, but there is a particular perspective I can share right now that my conversation with this woman brought into clear focus: it is our underlying intention, rather than the techniques themselves or the effort we apply to following them, that governs our results. When we use spiritual principles as mere tools to get what we want, it is fundamentally no different than doing things the old-fashioned way, with elbow grease and a huge helping of willpower.

And here is why: focusing on getting what we want in the material world often (but not always) arises from a fundamentally fear-based place. Although not always conscious, the underlying thought is, "If I don't get this, I won't be okay." In other words, we're still looking to the material world for our happiness and fulfillment, or to set things up in a particular way to avoid unhappiness. We're still referencing ourselves as separate, material beings competing for material advantage. (As a matter of fact, the LoA is often presented as a "secret tool" we can use to assure our competitive advantage. But competition arises only from fear and separation, not from the world of spirit.)

The woman with whom I spoke was almost desperate to get this job. Her underlying intention arose from fear, and in her case it was conscious. She really believed that if she didn't get the particular job, she wouldn't be okay. But she didn't yet understand that a fear-based intention can yield only fear-based results, regardless of how much great stuff she had on her vision board. Her efforts in the past didn't "work" because they, too, arose from that same desperate place.

The spiritual path isn't about getting what we think we need to be okay. It is about understanding, experiencing and celebrating who we are at the depth of our being. It is about acknowledging and cultivating our inherent greatness. It is about recognizing that we are eternal beings. It is about living in alignment with the truth that we are individuated aspects of a great Oneness, distinct yet fully connected. It is about evolving toward ever-greater harmony, beauty and creativity. It is about trusting our innate goodness, listening to our inner guidance, and learning to recognize and disempower the false fears and beliefs that keep us small. It is about learning to live from a sense of deep trust in our "okayness" rather than scrambling to keep ahead of the fear. It is about having the courage to follow our souls' longings, which lead to our greatest fulfillment and highest contribution to the whole.

It is, frankly, a huge challenge. But it is the challenge of a lifetime, and the only one that can yield true fulfillment because the world of spirit is the world of wholeness, whereas the world of fear is the world of separateness and not-enough-ness. This doesn't mean that the expression of spirit in the material world is finished and complete; it doesn't mean we shouldn't "want" anything other than what we have. In fact, our souls' longings have a certain tender urgency to them, a creative pulse that continously seeks fulfillment. This pulse is what evolves our species toward higher orders of creativity, harmony and beauty - that is its purpose.

So our task becomes to distinguish our souls' longings from the fear-based desires of the ego, and to honor the first while challenging the second. It's an ongoing query and process; the answers aren't always clear. But our willingness to keep asking opens us to moments of insight and grace, and to a deepening self-awareness that supports us in making better and better choices. And ironically, focusing with great zeal on how to apply a spiritual principle such as the LoA often distracts us from this deeper process - hence the title of this blog post.

If the prospective client I spoke with decides to coach with me, I'll work with her to go more deeply into the reasons why she wants the job she wants, and to identify the parts of her that want that particular job. I'll help her tease out the assumptions and beliefs she may be holding that are narrowing her view of what is possible, and then help her challenge those beliefs. I'll ask her what she would most want to create, give or experience in her life, if she wasn't afraid.

These are the kind of questions that help us shift from ego to soul, from fear to trust. It isn't that I would be trying to convince her she doesn't need a job; of course she needs a job. But I would hope to support her in widening her perspective on what is possible, and also to support her in focusing on her many gifts and talents and how she might best use them in the world. I would hope to support her in opening, relaxing and expanding rather than contracting into rigidity and fear. I would hope to support her in developing humor, perspective and trust in the process of finding or creating work she loves - which may or may not come in the form of that particular job, with that particular company, in that particular timeframe.

It turns out we don't need to "apply" the LoA the way we would apply a new technique to writing a high-impact resume. The LoA simply is, and the more we live from love and trust, the greater the opportunities we have to experience more of the same. We don't need to work it, to manipulate or manhandle it. We need only to trust it, and to hold a firm and clear intention to live from the most expanded and loving version of ourselves that we can.

Which, as we know, is easier said than done. Give me a call if you'd like a little support...!

Sing Your Song

2010-06-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

Today is June 1st, which means that in less than a week - 6 days to be precise - I will celebrate my 50th birthday. This one is working me a bit. I remember feeling thrilled at the prospect of turning 40, but 50 doesn't feel quite the same. I remind myself often that many, many people have expanded their creativity and sense of deep fulfillment in their 50s and beyond, and that our true age is measured not by numbers but by our capacity to love and be loved. And 50 is, after all, just a number.

It's a rather big one, though.

So I'm giving myself time this week to reflect on the past decade, reflect on my life, and reflect on the life I long to create. As part of that reflection, I'm rereading one of the journals I kept which, conveniently, covers the period from June 2009 to June 2010. Most of it is my usual stuff - exploring doubts and fear, ideas and inspirations - but one entry called to me from a deeper place. I had a sense of gratitude and "rightness" as I read it, and knew right away I wanted to share it with you. It is very brief.

The journal entry was an exploration of a dream I'd had the night before, in August of last year. I won't describe in detail the many delightful oddities that peppered my dreamscape, but I will say that the dream was quite stirring and evoked in me feelings of trust, appreciation, intrigue, safety and peace. Quite a diverse and satisfying range! Yet I wasn't quite sure of its meaning as I awoke, which prompted me to write about it so I could dig a little deeper.

At one point in the dream a beautiful man, who was riding along with several others in the back seat of my car, leaned his head out of the window and sang an exquisite song. It was breathtaking in its beauty, poignancy and clarity. I was spellbound. When he finished singing, all was quiet. It was as if we knew that any other sound would disrupt the magic his song had cast upon our gathering.

The beautiful singer spoke first. He made some self-deprecating remarks about his singing, referring to something highly technical that made no sense to anyone but him. To us, the song was flawless. So I asked him, in typical coach fashion, "So what did you like about the song?"

And his reply was as profound and moving as the music itself. He said, simply, "I like that I did it."

I am moved again even as I write his words. "I like that I did it."

As I contemplate these words I am reminded of a particular experience I had as a student at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, one that expanded my awareness in an instant and has stayed with me to this day, even if it's often obscured by layers of doubt and disbelief. On that day the whole junior class was in a big room, and the teachers were leading us through an exercise designed to connect us energetically with our souls' deepest longings. We were exploring the technique of toning, finding and expressing a sound that intuitively matched the vibration of our longings. We made beautiful music together, and I was graced with a sense of being completely myself and yet deeply connected to each person in the room.

At one point as I toned, I was struck by a flash of insight: "The longing itself is its own fulfillment." It was as clear as a bell and I knew, at a level far beyond my intellect, exactly what it meant. And in that moment, I was fulfilled. Even though every circumstance of my life was exactly as it had been prior to this exercise - and I was facing many challenging circumstances at the time - I felt fully alive and at peace. The simple act of acknowledging and expressing my longing had brought a sense of completion to me that I find difficult to put into words.

Since that time I've contemplated this insight and have earnestly sought to integrate it into my life. I know it has multiple levels of meaning, not all of which I've discovered at this point. At the simplest level, I think it reminds us that our longings are real and they are deserving of our acknowledgment and recognition. Certainly our longings cannot be fulfilled if we ignore or repress them.

But I think the deeper message is that our longings, in a fundamental way, express who we are. They are what make us unique, and uniquely able to contribute our gifts to Life in a way that blesses and serves us all. The paradoxical aspect of the insight - that the longing is its own fulfillment, and needs nothing more than expression - is a reminder to give our gifts freely, without attachment to specific outcomes. Like the beautiful man in my dream, we are called to sing our song because we want to sing, and for no other reason. The longing itself is the reason.

I am grateful for this reminder as I head into a new decade. It is a time my fear-based self is tempted to take score, to judge what I have done and what I have not done, and to point out how little time I have to do everything I want to do with my life. Yet this graceful truth holds a different perspective and a different promise. It reminds me that my real work is to connect with my soul's longings, which lead me unfailingly to my highest self. It reminds me to give simply, authentically and fully - and to trust that is enough. It reminds me that, even when following my longings doesn't seem to yield an outcome my rational mind deems successful, the very act of following my longings is success. It summons the life force through me and keeps me alive on every level.

I hope, like me, you'll take this to heart and make a renewed commitment to sing your song. I hope you'll acknowledge, honor and express your deepest longings. And like the beautiful man in my dream, I hope you'll like that you did it.

The Trouble with Boundaries

2010-05-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Most of us on a path of personal growth and transformation have learned our lessons about setting boundaries. We've discovered that, in our misguided attempts to garner appreciation and win others' approval, we've said "yes" to far too many things and have confused or depleted ourselves. Without boundaries, it seems we lose ourselves in the day-to-day demands on our time and attention.

And so we learn, finally, to say No! And we relish the freedom that opens up when we do, recognizing we have possibilities for nourishment, growth and learning that were obscured by all of our Yes's to other people. It's a truly liberating experience.

And yet...what often happens is we associate that liberation with the No rather than with our choice to say No. We want to protect that feeling of freedom and liberation, so we cling staunchly to our No. The No becomes a boundary, and the one thing most of us do with boudaries is we defend them. And defending anything requires energy, so the more rigidly we defend our No, the less energy we have for our Yes.

That's why I have come to see that, as helpful and essential as it is to learn to say No when we mean No, it is not helpful to see that No as a boundary. Boundaries create separation, and separation leads to isolation, misunderstanding and skepticism. Hardly the qualites we want to cultivate on a path of expanding consciousness!

Here is how it might look: a friend asks you, for the umpteenth time, to join her at a meeting sponsored by a multi-level marketing company. She is genuinely enthused about the company's product and her decision to distribute it, and is encouraged by the company to recruit as many customers and distributors as she can. You have absolutely no interest in the product or in becoming a distributor, but you have great love for your friend. You are thrilled that she is so happy - and you have no desire to attend one of the company's meetings.

In your boundary-less past you may have agreed, grudgingly, to attend the meeting with her so as not to hurt her feelings. And you would sit through it impatiently, thinking all the while of the many productive things you could be doing if you weren't wasting your time on that hard folding chair in a drafty hotel ballroom. You would hurry out at the first opportunity, telling your friend you'd call her later. And then of course, you would have to tell her then that you simply weren't interested. You would still have to say No.

Fast-forward to the brave new world of setting boundaries. In this scenario you boldly - almost defiantly - say No right away when your friend invites you to the meeting. But you still feel badly about saying it. There are all kinds of thoughts going on inside, things such as, "I wish she would just quit asking me so I wouldn't have to say No!" or "I hope I'm not letting her down. I wish I could be a better friend." Notice that these kinds of thoughts are judgments, either of her or of yourself. Judgments always feel bad, and they always separate. It is because of the judgment that we think we need the boundary. We are defending ourselves against being taken advantage of, either by the friend (whom we've judged as insensitive) or by ourselves (whom we've judged as a pushover). We draw the line to protect ourselves from unsavory outcomes, and we must defend that line at all costs.

In the absence of judgment, we wouldn't need a boundary. We would simply need to make a choice. We would recognize our friend's earnest desire to share her enthusiasm with us, and we'd also recognize that her path is not our path. And so our choice would be to say No, but we would do so with an open heart.

This "open-hearted No" calls on a simple yet profound shift in orientation: one in which we see the No not as a boundary, but as an expression of our Truth. And that, fundamentally, is why it is so liberating, because truth really does set us free. From this perspective the No is really a Yes - a Yes to honesty and a Yes to self-care. We choose not to participate in the specific activity, but we bless our friend and wish her great success. We hold a clear intention to love our friend and to love ourselves. In the example we've been examining here, the open-hearted No might sound something like, "I am so happy that you love selling this product, yet it's just not something I feel at all called to do. I hope you understand."

Will this guarantee that your friend's feelings won't be hurt? No, it won't. But not speaking your truth will guarantee that intimacy and trust will be diminished between the two of you. So instead of setting - and defending - boundaries, hold an intention to connect with and speak your truth, moment to moment. Sometimes that will be a Yes, sometimes a No. But remember that your freedom arises from the freshness of the choice that reflects your authentic needs, your willingness and your energy. Your liberation lies in your Truth, spoken with kindness and clarity.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2010-05-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

On Thursday evening of this past week I attended an awards dinner hosted by the Delaware Press Association. And I'm delighted to share with you that I won a first-place award, for the second year in row, for my column in Living.Well magazine. (I also discovered I'd won an "honorable mention" award for another piece I'd submitted - happy surprise!) The dinner was lovely, the speaker was truly inspiring, and I had a welcome opportunity to connect with my fellow writers at the magazine. As we were called forward one by one to receive our certificates, the judges' comments about each winning entry were read aloud. I was honored and humbled by their kind and generous words about my writing. As you can imagine, it was a wonderful evening and I floated home on a cloud of contentment.

Once home I opened the envelopes that contained copies of all the entries I'd submitted along with the entry forms on which the judges had recorded their comments. I reread the comments about my first-place column, basking in the glow of appreciation. Then I noticed an envelope I hadn't opened - the one that contained my book, which had not won an award. I pulled the book and judge's comments out of the envelope and began reading. My glow vanished and was quickly replaced by a heavy, dank cloud of anger and shame as I read the damning words. This particular judge - unlike the one who had offered such rich and affirming comments about my column - did not like my writing. At all. Words and phrases such as, "...fails to live up to its potential..." "...amorphous..." "...readers will be confused or put off..." "...New Age jargon..." floated off the page and assaulted me with their acrid smell. The review was lengthy and unkind, and suddenly I had difficulty breathing.

I stared in numb disbelief at the comments. After an initial puff of anger and disdain I fell headlong into self-doubt. My God, maybe my book is just terrible and I should stop promoting it immediately! I'm probably embarrassing myself personally and professionally and queering any chance I might have of successfully publishing my second book! In a blinding instant I went from feeling affirmed and confident in my work to believing that I was a certain failure. I would have to rethink everything, it seemed, since clearly I couldn't succeed on this path.

A little current of energy zapped me out of my paralzying malaise - anger again, tinged with a familiar self-righteousness. I began an inner debate with the judge, defending my skill and my choices and proving how wrong he was, how obtuse! I challenged his comments one by one, trying to satisfy myself that they were completely without merit. I didn't quite succeed.

Throughout this personal drama a part of me remained apart, watching. She is the wise one, and she knew that my reactions were coming from ego. She let me rant and rave and call home for a little comfort, but then she gently reminded me that I had some work to do. I had to find the learning and the healing in this situation, and she was ready to guide me through it. I decided to let her take charge.

She asked me gently to remind myself what I know is true about all painful situations. I took several deep breaths and said what I've said countless times to my clients: "This is an opportunity to love yourself more deeply." The wise me knows that hurt can only be felt when we turn away from love, and so I vowed to turn toward love. And with just that simple inner choice I began to feel more at peace. But there was more to do.

From this new perspective I read the comments again. In all honesty they baffled me. They just didn't make sense. Which is not to say that I believe there is no room for improvement in my book - there is plenty. I've got a laundry list of inner criticisms about it, but none of the judge's comments mirrored my own. They seemed illogical to me, and I realized that my writing seemed that way to him. We simply didn't understand each other.

As I sat with the comments a bit longer, I was able to experience them as a whole. When I stopped challenging each statement one by one, what emerged was a complete picture of his confusion, especially with the book's title. The book is called, 10 Ways to Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When the World Has Gone a Little Crazy), and I realized that he'd been expecting a how-to guide, a step-by-step instruction manual that leads one from panic to peace. But the book I wrote doesn't offer that; it offers ten perspectives we can hold as we navigate the unknown, which are intended to suggest different ways of relating to our fear and different priorities for making choices as we move through transitions in life. It is not so much a how-to book as a how-not-to-book: a book about how not to cave into fear.

And so I found the merit in his comments, a possible source of his confusion and an important consideration as I develop titles for future books and articles. (Coming up with great titles has always been a challenge for me!) That may not be the merit he wanted me to find - he may have wanted me to agree that I'm a terrible writer. But I have a choice about what I take from this situation, and this is where the opportunity to love myself more deeply comes sharply into focus. Am I going to let another person's opinion of my writing distract me from my soul's longings to teach and write? Or am I going to let them strengthen my commitment instead?

I choose the latter. I realize I have a long way to go before I master the art of writing, yet it is the journey itself that enlivens me. And the only way I can develop mastery of writing is...to write! So I will continue to write, to practice, to sharpen my skills. I will continue to blog! And I will continue working on my next book. And I hope you'll continue reading.

It's funny, as I was contemplating this post the phrase "thick skin" came to mind. We are often told that in order to be successful, we need to develop a thick skin so that others' criticisms don't derail us. And while I can understand how that perspective originated, I think it's misguided. We don't need thick skin, for thick skin is a barrier to connection and engagement. What we need is a greater depth of compassion for ourselves and others, a willingness to see our work - and their criticism - in the highest light. And to know that criticism can never degrade the true brilliance of our soul.

What About Money?

2010-04-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about money lately. Not only has the lingering recession kept the subject forefront in my mind - will I be able to expand my client base with everyone so skittish about their finances? - I'm also writing a book about money. The idea for the book evolved with my coaching practice, as time and again clients would declare their dreams off-limits because of money. Either they didn't have enough to do what they wanted to do, or they couldn't make enough money doing what they wanted to do. Or both.

I find it fascinating that, when money becomes our primary consideration or goal, our true goals are often buried or ignored. I think this is because, in separating money as an object to be pursued, obtained and accumulated, we separate it from the very process that confers its value: the process of giving and receiving, creating and sharing. Money's primary purpose is to facilitate the creative process, and its value is inextricably linked to that process. When we see it as an object divorced from our creativity - when we pursue it as a goal - we divorce ourselves from our creativity as well.

When money is not only the primary goal but is also seen as the true measure of our worth and success, more is always seen as better. We choose jobs and careers on the basis of their money-making potential rather than on their fit with our innate strengths and talents, and we hold ourselves back from investing in things that would move us toward the realization of our dreams. We expend lots of energy on finding "deals" that help us spend as little money as possible - just think of all the creative energy that's focused on trying to minimize or avoid taxes, all the time spent researching the absolute lowest cost of a planned purchase and all the hours spent cutting coupons. (I'm not saying we shouldn't be mindful about the cost of things; I'm just saying that our preoccupation with money as the sole basis for making decisions blinds us to so much that is worthwhile and satisfying, including other ways we could be focusing our creative energy and attention.)

In my own life I've fallen prey to the "money is king" mindset. As an accountant and financial analyst I learned all the money rules our culture has laid out, and did my best to follow them. Along the way I became cynical, resigned and unfulfilled. I was making "good money" but wasn't making anything of my life that actually reflected who I am. And so I began the journey of discovering who I am and how my soul wanted to express herself in the world. The journey continues.

And yes, I still want to make good money. It's just that I don't want to make good money at the expense of living an awake, inspired and authentic life. So a big part of this journey is discovering new ways of relating to money that honor its value and importance without making it the reason for our existence. And that's why I decided to write the book. I know many of us want a healthier relationship with money: we don't want money to be our god, but nor do we want to be starving artists. We want to invite money to its rightful place in our lives. I'll be talking more about that in future posts...and in my book, of course!

And speaking of books - as part of the market research for the one I'm currently writing, I've read a lot of books about money and, particularly, about how to make money from a more enlightened, spiritual perspective. Many of them are quite good and helpful, yet several of them are grounded in a certain perspective that, for me, is at once appealing and repellant. They speak of money as a force for good, and in fact exhort readers to want it - lots of it. It's almost as if there is something wrong with you if you don't aspire to be a millionaire, because there is so much good you can do in the world when you make lots of money and you can give lots of it away to charity. These books talk about making money ethically and managing it responsibly and creatively, yet the underlying premise is: make as much money as possible, as fast as you can.

And that's the very premise I think needs to be challenged. I realize there have been, and continue to be, great philanthropists whose gargantuan monetary contributions have laid the foundation for innumerable works of great consequence. I also realize that the smaller contributions each of us make keep our favorite charities alive and able to do their important work. Yet I believe that, if we weren't living in a culture that drives us toward money as the main goal, there would be far less need for charity in the first place. A more natural balance would be restored in the flow of giving and receiving, creating and sharing, in the absence of the relentless push for more. If we focused on the creative process itself and what we're called to give, we would live from our talent and generosity and the world would benefit directly from our gifts. We wouldn't need to "make money" in order to give; we would be naturally giving, and enjoying the benefits of money as a facilitator of the exchange process.

I realize this may seem idealistic or even patently absurd to many, yet surely we can see the obvious distortions that our fear-based, greed-sanctioned culture has spawned. At the very least I think now is the time to take a time-out, to pause and examine all the rules about money that have ruled us for so long. Some may still serve us, some may not. But we disempower ourselves when we allow our quest for money, or our fear of not having enough of it, squelch our creativity and passion.

Let's invite money back to its rightful place in our lives...and let's be the ones who decide what that is.

Giving It Up

2010-02-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, Lent was a serious, somber time. We were expected to "give something up," to make a sacrifice that symbolized our understanding and appreciation of Christ's ultimate sacrifice for us. We had to choose something that we really, really liked so that it would be really, really hard to give it up. That was a critical aspect of the choice: it had to be a painful one. After all, given the unimaginable, unspeakable pain Christ endured on the cross, this was the least we could do. There was a certain nobility to the gesture, but also more than a whiff of martyrdom. We were meant to give ourselves a small taste of suffering.

As I write this I feel almost stunned: how could we have come to believe that self-inflicted suffering is a path to wholeness and healing? I'm reminded of a recent article I read, which reported that the former Pope, John Paul II, routinely beat himself with a belt and, during lent, would sleep without any blankets or padding on a cold, hard floor. These acts of self-mortification were described as instruments of "Christian perfection" (1-26-10 posting on Time website). I cannot find the words to convey my profound sadness that any thinking, loving person could view self-punishment as a means to elevated spiritual consciousness.

And while giving something up for Lent is hardly as dramatic and painful as beating oneself with a belt, its underlying purpose is still rooted in the intention to create and experience suffering. It's entirely possible, of course, that I've misunderstood the true intention behind this practice, and that I'm misrepresenting it now. Yet even if that is so, I don't think I am alone. I have spoken with many people over the years whose experience of Lent was virtually identical to mine, and who struggle with it to this day. And so I wanted to offer a perspective on "giving something up" that I've adopted as I've walked a path of spirituality and expanded consciousness, one that - for me - makes deep, intuitive sense and provides true guidance for living a love-centered life.

Here it is in a nutshell: I think the most important thing we can give up, during the season of Lent and all year long, is judgment. Judgment in its many forms and guises - criticism, blame, cynicism, righteousness, doubt - and judgment directed both inwardly and outwardly. Judgment of ourselves, our leaders, our experiences, our histories. Judgment of our food choices, our friends' boyfriends, our parents, our children, and even that inexplicably confusing movie we just saw. Let's suspend judgment of everything, and see what happens.

Given how conditioned we are to judge everything - how judgment infiltrates virtually every waking moment, often in the guise of suggestions or opinions - this is actually a difficult thing to do. But its difficulty is not meant to cause suffering; paradoxically, it is meant to free us from suffering. Judgment is the original cause of suffering, and so in releasing it we release ourselves from its damning constraints. We free ourselves to see with innocence and trust and an open, loving heart. We begin to perceive the world through a lens of abundance and fresh possibilities. We live and let live.

Thanks to my education at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, I've been trained to think of things in terms of energy. And from that perspective it's easy to see that the energy of judgment is defeating. That's fairly obvious when we're judging ourselves: it feels bad. As we sit in self-judgment we are deflated and depleted; we are paralyzed into numbness, resignation and inactivity. Even if there is a kernel of truth in our concerns, the painful energy of judgment prevents us from addressing it in a whole and loving way. For example, I may want to reach and sustain a healthy weight. And that may translate into the need to lose a few pounds. But if I judge myself as fat or lazy, the chances of my actually losing the weight are far lower, because self-judgment is a form of self-identity: I see myself as incapable. And that self-image will severely limit my thoughts and choices, virtually guaranteeing that I will prove myself right.

Judging others may initially feel good - righteousness is very seductive, masquerading itself as a feeling of power or competence - but if we're very mindful and honest with ourselves, we discover that judging others really doesn't feel good. Often it leads to feeling isolated, misunderstood, defiant or stuck, as a client of mine recently experienced.

She had been in a fender-bender several weeks ago. A young man - a "punk" in her telling of the story - had pulled out from a gas station without having clear visibility, crossing three lanes of traffic and landing in front of her. She hit the brakes, of course, but the roads were wet and she slid into him anyway. There was virtually no damage to her car, but a moderate amount to his. She was, understandably, upset.

Weeks later, she was sitting with me fuming about it. They had agreed not to call the police at the time, and had simply exchanged contact and insurance information. She now felt resentful that he had contacted her insurance company, and her insurance agent had suggested she call the young man directly and speak with him before deciding whether to file any claims. She didn't want to do that because she knew he would ask her for money, and she didn't want to give him any money because she felt the accident was his fault. She saw him as an irresponsible, money-grubbing punk who had caused great inconvenience to her. (Those were her words, not mine.)

What she didn't see, at least initially, was that her judgment of him as irresponsible and money-grubbing was the cause of her distress. As she held those thoughts of him, her stomach tightened into a knot, her breathing became shallow, and her mind kept swirling in the same pattern - "It's his fault!" She was unable to see a path forward because she was stuck in her story about the past, a story built on judgment. The energy of it was confining, chaotic and confusing.

Together we worked on seeing the experience for what it was, without embellishment - two cars collided on a rainy day. As we stripped away the drama, the fault-finding and the name-calling, she was able to see the simplest truth: it happened. The event happened, and her judgment of all the reasons why it shouldn't have happened was simply keeping her stuck. I could literally see her body relax and her face brighten as she released the judgments and sat with the simplicity of truth. She said she felt tingly and alive - and greatly relieved.

From that place she found a willingness to call him, to find out what he truly wanted and to share her perspective with him. Without viewing him as the enemy, she could see him as the person with whom she had this experience, and with whom she must now negotiate to resolve the question of how to pay for the damage to his car. She could also see the possibility of his filing a claim with his own insurance company, something she hadn't even considered in her reactiveness to his apparent "money grubbing."

The need to take steps and resolve the situation did not change, but in releasing judgment she freed herself to take those steps with a calm and peaceful mind. So when I speak of releasing judgment, I am not speaking of ignoring injustices or becoming a doormat for others to walk on. Yet we do ourselves and others a great service when we remember that it is possible to retain discernment and to make wise, healthy choices without smearing on that extra layer of "wrongness" or "badness." It's the difference between saying, "I see things differently and need to act from my own truth," vs. "I am right and he is wrong (or bad...or a punk!) for seeing things his way."

So I say, let's get out of the judgment business. Let's focus on the simplest of truths in any situation - "Just the facts, Ma'am" - and free ourselves from the icky, sticky energy of finding fault and placing blame. Let's recognize that judgment escalates fear, rebellion, defensiveness and reactiveness - it stimulates the very behaviors that give rise to the experiences we are judging! And we cannot heal the painful consequences of judgment with more judgment. We can only heal our suffering with acceptance, curiosity, understanding, willingness and compassion. And we can only release those qualities in ourselves by giving up our fear-based tendency to judge.

So...let's give it up.

The Intelligence of Life

2010-02-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

Once again all my plans are suspended as the second blizzard in less than a week visits the East Coast. The breathtaking beauty of the all-white landscape is at odds with the messy turmoil of my thoughts - thoughts about lost business, thoughts about wading through thigh-high, wet and very cold snow to get to my heat pumps and shovel them out, thoughts about how to "be productive" during this enforced time-out, thoughts about the treacherous conditions of the city streets for days to come, which means even more lost business...

Deep breath. I reach for my journal - the special one, the one in which I practice writing about my life and myself in the most compassionate, loving way I can. I start with the obvious: on the life pulse of creation - stasis, expansion, stasis, contraction - I am in the contraction phase. Everything is slowing down or stopping, and my job is not to judge or resist that movement, but to allow it, to honor it and harvest its riches. I write in my journal, "This is a time of gathering and consolidating, especially consolidating my energy around the vision I hold for my life rather than letting it dissipate into the ethers of doubt and anxiety. It is a time for quiet focus and for taking small, deliberate steps. It is a time to surrender more fully to my longings."

I glance through my journal and my eyes land on an affirmation I created several days ago: "I allow the intelligence of Life itself to guide my life." I look outside at the falling snow, at the intelligence of Life itself in motion. It is stunning in its richness, clarity and generosity, and I want nothing more than to drink it in with all my senses. I have a sudden impulse to write a poem. And even though I am not a poet, I pick up my pen and write.

Snow Wisdom

The quiet benediction of the snow
     settles the anxious hum of my thoughts.

Gentle, inexorable, soft

     Inevitable.

A tender dance of stillness and movement
     revealing the paradox and perfection of Being:

We are the many and the One.

Be still, the snow says.

And I am still.

Breaking a Few Rules

2010-02-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading a column in the most recent issue of More magazine titled, "How to Afford Your Next Chapter" (February 2010). The article offers several suggestions for financing a career transition in midlife. Its advice is thorough, logical, practical - and deadening. Don't get me wrong - I know the author wrote it thoughtfully and with every intention of offering support to those who want to pursue more satisfying careers. And yet, coming as it does from a certain worldview that elevates so-called "financial security" above virtually everything else, it inadvertently reinforces the very fears and beliefs that hold us hostage in unsatisfactory jobs to begin with.

One element of this commonly held worldview is that a job, or even a career, is primarily something we pursue to make money. Which, at one level, it is. Yet when we remain focused on that level only, we miss the greater truth that our work is really an expression of ourselves, an opportunity to create something of value and to participate in the giving and receiving of the creative process. From that level, we see that money is a flexible medium of exchange that greatly facilitates giving and receiving in diverse and personalized forms. It supports our creativity, but has no value outside its role in the creative process itself.

And this ultimate creative process of creating work we love is not just about finding a less stressful job or experiencing greater satisfaction in our lives - although it certainly offers both of those things - it is a courageous healing path to our truest Self. It is a spiritual journey.

I've come to understand that what we most long to create is what the world most needs from us, yet too often we are told that our longings are impractical; in fear and resignation we take on work that pays the bills but leaves our souls completely unnourished. We think we are being "responsible," but our true responsibility is to the great spirit within us that is bursting with talent and aliveness and a genuine desire to be of service in the world. When we continually ignore that spirit, we are not being true to ourselves. We are compromising our integrity and our ability to live authentic, passionate lives.

The choice to create work we love requires that we revisit all the fears and false beliefs that led us away from out truth in the first place - to challenge our worldview. That is why it is a courageous choice. Facing fear and dismantling limiting beliefs is not easy work! But it is the work we must do in order to live what I call an awake and inspired life. What makes it particularly challenging is that we are inundated on every level and in every moment with the rigid, fear-based rules of our culture that seduced us into ignoring our hearts in the first place.They are very, very convincing, and of course they "work" within a worldview that says we are separate beings competing for scarce resources, that the future is separate from the present, and that money is a separate object that must be pursued, obtained and accumulated.

The true nature of our universe is one of unity and connectedness, aliveness and endless creativity. From quantum physicists to the great spiritual masters, we learn that a divinely intelligent, unified field or matrix gives rise to, and supports, all life in the universe. It is omnipresent, eternal, endless - as are the possibilities for creation that it engenders. We are connected through and by this eternal field of consciousness, and our creativity is limited only by our imagination. Far from being separate beings competing for scarce resources, we are glorious, individuated expressions of a magnificent and abundant whole - and it is our very uniqueness that defines our essential contribution to the whole.

Both science and spiritual traditions tell us that our minds - our intentions, beliefs and thoughts - have fundamental creative power. And so when we believe in separateness and scarcity, that is the world we create. That is the world we have created. Yet when we dare to challenge those beliefs, when we dare to live from the trusting heart instead of from fear, we can change our world.

Which brings me back to the More column. It suggests, among other things, that anyone considering a new career have at least twelve months of living expenses tucked away in a savings account - but "do not even think about robbing your retirement accounts" - and that you have an exit strategy in case of failure. I recognize these are sound recommendations when preserving financial capital is the main goal. But when the intention is to be fully alive, to live your best and truest life and unleash your passion, rules such as this may stand squarely in the way. Preservation of capital arises clearly from a worldview of scarcity; living your passion does not.

Interestingly, in the same magazine five women were profiled who had successfully transitioned into new fields of work they absolutely loved, work that fed their souls and gave meaning to their lives. Almost all of them had broken at least one of the rules. One had raided her retirement account, another had used high-interest credit cards to gain access to funds. The latter was a woman who is now the owner of an award-winning vineyard. She said, "Everyone thought we were nuts. If we'd had a business plan, we never would have bought the property." In other words, if they'd had - and followed - a sensible plan, they would not be growing a thriving business and living their dreams.

I'm not saying that we should break the rules just for the sake of breaking rules - far from it. Often the rules can protect us from diving headlong into something that is not an expression of our truth, or they help us move at a pace that is comfortable and doesn't plunge us into paralyzing fear. But just as often, the rules become rigid prescriptions for how things are supposed to be done, creating fear-encrusted obstacles to following our true path.

Yet breaking the rules is an artful process.The one thing that stands out in the profiles of those women profiled in More, in my own life and in the lives of clients I have coached, is that a choice to break some rules comes not from rebellion, but from a deep-seated inner knowing of "rightness." I refer to this as inner guidance, and I believe it comes directly from that divinely intelligent, unifed field of consciousness I mentioned earlier. This guidance has access to a kind of wisdom that transcends our linear projections and materially-based assumptions. It understands paradox and flow and the interconnectedness of all things, and will guide us to the choices that honor our wholeness - present and future.

I'll be the first to admit that learning to identify, listen to, trust and act on that guidance is challenging; it is a skill that has atrophied in many of us and needs to be cultivated. In the absence of clear inner guidance, following the rules makes all the sense in the world. But when your heart is holding a vision for your life and that still, small voice within is quietly encouraging you to step forward into that vision, don't let our culture's man-made rules stand in the way. Be willing to challenge them. Be willing to turn away from outside experts and listen to the only real expert on how to live the life you came here to live: You.

Moments of Grace

2010-01-24T17:43:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the well-worn phrase, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." I don't think it's used as commonly today as it was in the past, yet the sentiment is still expressed, especially during times of great crisis such as that being faced by the people of Haiti.

It's meant, I believe, to remind us to be grateful for the blessings in our life - and gratitude for blessings is something I wholeheartedly endorse! - yet there is something about it that bothers me. Maybe not the phrase itself, but the faint aroma of pity that often accompanies it. It's as if the person going through a challenge or crisis is somehow outside of God's grace, and we can only stand back and watch in horror, thankful that we're not walking in their shoes - and thankful that we are the beneficiaries of God's grace, even though others are not. Whew, we dodged that bullet! Now if only we can make it to the end of our lives without having to experience anything like that... We hope we'll continue to be lucky, since grace appears to be rather capricious.

I'll be the first to admit that an experience of grace is something we cannot plan, force or expect; it comes as a great gift from realms beyond our human understanding - a mysterious, unspeakably tender yet powerful revelation of the divine mind and sacred heart within us. It is, paradoxically, both humbling and expansive - and it is also, much to our confusion and frustration, as brief and swift as lightning. We cannot control it, and we cannot hold onto it. We can only be open to receive it.

And we are all, each and every one of us, worthy of receiving grace. It is not bestowed only on the lucky few who have proven themselves in some way, because inherent worth has no need of proof. Grace cannot be earned or bargained for. It is not a reward for good behavior, and its apparent absence is not a punishment for wrongdoing.

I've come to believe that grace is both a reflection of, and a catalyst for, our awakening to the greater truth of our innate divinity and worth. It shakes loose the grip of our conditioned, fear-based view of the world and reveals something wondrous, magnificent and yet inexplicably simple. It lightens our load. Grace opens us to healing and forgiveness in a way we didn't even know we needed.

And grace has many faces; it can be experienced in moments that are silent and still, and also in moments of great chaos and confusion. It shows up in the very form and timing that uniquely serve our growth. It is intensely personal, which means we are not equipped to discern moments of grace for others; we can only be open to recognizing grace-filled moments in our own lives.

Which brings me back to, "There, but for the grace of God..." When we see others who are going through times of great struggle, I think we honor them not by assuming they have somehow fallen outside of God's grace, but by remembering that they, like we, are already worthy of grace - and that grace may indeed be present in the situation, even if we can't see it. We honor them by ackowledging not just their fear and pain, but also their nobility and courage. And of course we honor them by helping them in whatever way we are called.

And we honor grace itself by recognizing it in our lives, however brief or infrequent it appears to be. In those moments we can say, "Here I am, in the grace of God." And we can be very grateful - not because grace chose us over someone else, but because grace exists.

Igniting Inspiration

2010-01-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

In the past few days I've had several conversations with friends in which they lamented a lack of focus, energy and inspiration in their lives. Here they are, at the start of a fresh new year - new decade! - feeling drifty and lackluster and perhaps a wee bit apathetic. Or maybe feeling grumpy and overwhelmed. Or just plain tired. Not the best way to feel, it seems, at a time when most of us are ready to commit to some kind of positive change in our lives. We want to feel clear, energized and ready for action.

Like my friends, I don't feel particularly clear, energized or ready for action right now. And like them, that bothers me a little - especially since I'm a transformational life coach, someone who supposedly knows a thing or two about staying focused and inspired. So what do I do at a time like this? I stop. Which, paradoxically, is the quickest way to get started again.

And here is what I stop: I stop thinking I should feel anything other than the way I feel right now. I stop the spiral of thoughts that starts with, "I don't feel inspired" and ends up with, "I just don't have what it takes to succeed in this work!" I stop trying to figure out why I'm not inspired. I stop forcing myself to just do something, already. I stop heaping judgmental labels on myself, and I stop fussing over my to-do list.

I just stop for a moment, and breathe. And breathe some more. And maybe a little more.

I invite a little humor and perspective into the situation: after all, my temporary lack of inspiration and focus is not likely to result in world devastation or complete personal failure. I remind myself of the many times I've been in this place, and the many times I've found my way back to a clear and inspired path. I challenge myself - gently, of course, since I don't have a whole lot of energy - to see how this time might be serving me. Maybe I do need to rest, or maybe I simply need to practice a deeper level of self-acceptance. Maybe I'm procrastinating because I'm afraid of something, and that fear is now ready to be faced and healed. Maybe now is a good time to write in my journal, pray or call a dear friend. Or all three.

I decide to see my seeming lack of inspiration not as a problem, but as an opportunity to slow down and look more deeply inside. And from there I gently check in with myself: "What do I have the authentic impulse, the energy and the willingness to do right now?" And I keep my answer very, very simple. Just one small step, then check in again. And repeat.

I also pause to acknowledge myself warmly for accomplishing each tiny step - look, I'm regaining my footing! That may seem a bit ridiculous from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking out it feels kind and supportive, which is exactly the environment that's needed for reigniting our inspired life force energy. As we learn to replace self-judgment with self-compassion, we increase our capacity for inspiration, creativity and joy.

So if, like my friends and me, you're treading a little water right now and wondering how to move forward, just stop for a moment. Breathe deeply and invite your mind to clear. Set aside, just for now, all the thoughts you have about what needs to be done and why you need to kick yourself into gear and do it. Create a little space to check in with yourself. Look for the baby steps, the ones you're willing to take right now even if they aren't the big important ones on your to-do list. Don't expect yourself to feel inspired right away, just love yourself as you are and coax yourself gently into the next thing that feels right. Honor yourself for taking each step.

Or take a short nap, or a long vacation. Then start again.

Everyday Enlightenment

2010-01-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

It is now day 4 of the new year and as a responsible blogger I feel almost obligated to write something about fresh starts, setting intentions or making resolutions. And perhaps in a future post I will, because - regardless of whether you start on 1/1 or any other day of the year - taking the time to reflect deeply on who you are and what you long to create or experience is essential to living a conscious, meaningful and fulfilling life.

But today I want to write about something else. Today I want to share an experience with you that affirmed, for me, the immense value of committing to a spiritual path, a path of wisdom and enlightenment. I know "enlightenment" is a big word with lots of baggage, which is why this experience was so helpful. It reminded me that enlightenment is not a singular mind-blowing mystical experience or a far-off goal to be reached. It can be known as a sense of joy and lightness in the seemingly small events of our lives. It is about enlightening ourselves with the truth of the moment.

Recently I've been exploring the spiritual principle of, "That which we perceive to be lacking is what we have in abundance to give." It's a challenging one, frankly, and it's easy to get tangled up in overly-specific and very tangible descriptions of what we perceive is lacking. In order to reap the rewards of this principle, we must be willing to consider the intangible essence of things - which is where all the juice is, anyway.

So here is what happened. A very good friend of mine (whom I'll call Natalie) invited me to join her and another friend of hers (whom I'll call Jean) for an outing to the movies. I had met Jean once or twice before, and she'd expressed to Natalie an interest in getting to know me better. I, too, had felt a certain kinship in those early connections with her, and so I was very much looking forward to spending time with her. I was also very much looking forward to going to the movies! So my initial response was an enthusiastic, "Yes!" All we had to do was agree on a specific date and movie time.

The next day, as I was looking over my commitments and early-new-year deadlines, I realized I wasn't as far along on my to-do list as I needed to be, and that enjoying a few hours at the movies probably wasn't the best way for me to spend my time. Still, it was possible that - if I was unsually focused and productive - I could get things done quickly and feel good about taking some time for fun. I called Natalie to let her know I probably wouldn't be able to join them, and suggested she and Jean choose the time that worked best for them and just let me know what they'd chosen. And if I was in a position to join them at that time, I would.

There was an additional flurry of calls and messages I won't bore you with, having to do with the possibility of seeing a different movie. Suffice it to say that nothing was definitively resolved other than an agreement that the movie date would be on Saturday. Mid-morning that day I received a call from Natalie, who wanted to know if I would be joining them. I realized I would need the entire day to get done what I wanted to get done, so I called her back and said that I wouldn't. Natalie was very gracious, as always, yet in that conversastion she revealed more than a little frustration at the tangled-up mess we'd made of trying to coordinate a movie date, only to have it "not work out." She even compared me to another friend of hers who repeatedly backed out of commitments. My ego was more than a little ruffled at that.

After that call I felt out of sorts, replaying the conversastion in my mind. My ego was adamant that it wasn't my fault, crafting a version of the experience that clearly justified my position - and helpfully pointing out how Natalie had failed to communicate clearly in several instances. I called her back to calmly explain my choice again, certain that with a better explanation she would see the light and realize I was nothing like that other friend of hers. (In that conversation I - my ego - also decided to do Natalie a favor by explaining the part she had played in messing things up.) Despite my calm demeanor and crystal-clear explanation, Natalie did not seem particularly helped. I hung up feeling out of sorts yet again.

I had nowhere else to turn but inward. I knew this whole thing wasn't about Natalie, it was about me and my inability to see clearly through the righteous and defensive lens of my ego. I asked myself, "What do I perceive is missing here?" and the answer was immediate: understanding. I felt misunderstood. Deep breath. That meant that "understanding" was what I had in abundance to give to heal the situation.

I thought back to our earlier conversation, in which Natalie had said several times that she hated being "in the middle." At the time my response had been to challenge what being "in the middle" really meant. I could certainly understand the discomfort that arises when someone tries to mediate a dispute between two friends, but that wasn't the case here. She was merely coordinating a movie date! I cringed inwardly as I recognized with simple clarity how I had invalidated her perception rather than seeking to understand it. I also saw that my agreement with her definition of "in the middle" was completely irrelevant. My only job was to be present, listen, understand and respond.

And so I decided to alter my response in a way that demonstrated my willingness to offer understanding. After our second call Natalie had agreed to explain to Jean why I wouldn't be joining them, and suggest to her that she call me herself if she wanted to spend time with me. A rational and helpful response, but one that put Natalie squarely in the middle, at least for that conversation. Which was what she didn't want. I saw how simple it would be for me to call Jean directly and do my own explaining.

I called Jean, explained that I wouldn't be able to join them for the movie, and suggested we meet for lunch. She was understanding and very enthusiastic about scheduling a lunch date, which we did with great ease. I then called Natalie to let her know I'd spoken with Jean and that she didn't have to speak to her for me. Her relief was almost palpable, even over the phone. I could hear in her voice and words the tremendous energy we experience when a load has been lifted, and she thanked me numerous times.

When I hung up the phone from that third call with Natalie, I felt humbled and yet expanded and blessed at the same time. I experienced such a sense of spaciousness and freedom within me that I actually felt physically lighter. I could see with sparkling clarity the great gift of Natalie's friendship and the privilege of being introduced to another kindred soul on the path. I was awakened to the abundance of kindness and nourishing connections in my life - and also to the reactiveness of my ego that almost prevented me from appreciating them. I recognized the profound wisdom of offering that which I perceived to be lacking, a paradoxical choice that connected me with kindness and generosity in a way that served us all.

I was, in that moment, enlightened.

A Holiday Wish and Blessing

2009-12-23T07:46:00.000-08:00

As a graduate of the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, I am blessed by - among many things! - the annual holiday card they send to students and alumni. The verse is always lovely, so I want to share one of my favorites with you:

Consider the possibility of living your life centered in Love. Looking at every thing within you and all around you with love. Within every cell of your body, love can be found. Love is the first signature of life. The ground of your being rests within love and is love. Before manifestation, before physicality, before energy forms, before all form, love is.

I wish you a blessed, joyous holiday season and a year year filled with light, love and magic.

Suzanne

Snow Day

2009-12-19T13:18:00.000-08:00

The first big snowstorm of the season is now blanketing the east coast, on the very day I was scheduled for a personal first: my first official book signing. I am, shall I say, a wee bit disappointed. I've held an image in my mind and heart for years of sitting behind a table in a large bookstore, happily signing dozens of books for the kind people who show up to meet me and buy my book.

The book in my dream image is one I've been working on for years - and continue to work on, or at least talk a lot about working on! - yet I ended up self-publishing a book I wasn't even "officially" working on in September of this year. It evolved organically: I began writing a piece that was intended as a free download from my website, and it just kept growing until it reached the size of a small book. So I decided to publish it as one! It's called 10 Ways to Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When the World Has Gone a Little Crazy) and it's a compact, focused guide to support people through times of uncertainty or transition.

But enough about the book. (At least for now...I'm sure I'll write about it in future posts!) The point is that, because of having published a book at all - and because my fabulous business manager arranged for a book signing at the historic Baldwin's Book Barn in West Chester, PA - today was the day I was going to realize that dream I've held in my heart for so long.

Instead, today is the day I'm writing about unmet expectations and responding to disappointment and finding meaning in the events of our lives. I was really, really looking forward to that book signing. It represented a small but significant milestone on the journey of expanding my work as a teacher, writer and coach. When I first heard about the possibility of a significant snowstorm landing on the east coast on Saturday, I did what most sane people do at such times: I reminded myself feebly that, more often than not, weather forecasts are not entirely reliable. Surely the storm, if it materialized at all, would not be virile enough to thwart my plans! I continued with my preparations and kept my thoughts focused on a positive outcome.

Soon enough it became evident that the weather forecast was unaccountably accurate. It started snowing in the wee hours of this morning, and at 3:45 p.m. it shows no signs of slowing down. Several feet of snow are expected. So instead of sitting behind that table in the warm and welcoming bookstore, dressed in a really great new outfit I bought and graciously signing books for happy customers, I am sitting in my sweatpants in front of a computer, typing my first blog entry. Alone.

What could this possibly mean? Is the Universe failing to support my hopes for getting my book out in the world? This kind of thinking shows up quite a bit for those of us on a path of spirituality and consciousness. As we've come to understand that we are inherently creative beings living in an energetic, interconnected universe, and that our intentions, beliefs and thoughts have immense power in shaping the quality and experience of our lives, we tend to get a little worried when things don't go the way we've planned, affirmed and visualized. We think, perhaps, we've done something wrong. Maybe our intention was muddied, or we've sabotaged our efforts with fear-based, contradictory beliefs about what is possible, or we didn't keep ourselves focused strongly enough on what we wanted. Or maybe, more to the immediate point, my book just isn't that good and the Universe is ultimately protecting me (and others!) by not letting too many people read it.

In fact any of those things could be true. Or not. The key is to consider them not from within a context of placing blame and rooting out fault-ridden mistakes, but from a place of open and loving curiosity. If I really do trust in a loving universe that is poised to support my soul's true longings, how might I view this unexpected turn of events?

The one thing that is always true of apparent obstacles to our plans is that they provide an opportunity for us to ask, again: "Do I really want this?" If the answer is yes, then in asking and answering we deepen the yes, we deepen our commitment to ourselves and our lives. And if the answer is no, then how wonderful it is to find out now rather than continue investing our energy in something we only thought we should want, but don't really want. Or to ask, "Why do I no longer want this?" and let the exploration lead us to deeper levels of self-awareness.

So when I ask myself, "Do I really want this? Do I really want to take the time and energy to promote my book and get it out in the world?" The answer is yes. Yes. So I've already started thinking of other venues for promoting it, and of course we'll reschedule the book signing with this particular bookstore. And I turn my attention, too, to how grateful I am to be in a warm, dry, safe and beautiful home in the midst of a gorgeous, softening snowfall. With my two warm cats. (So I'm really not alone.) And with a functioning phone that allows me to reach out and call friends and family, and plenty of food to eat. I could not be more blessed.

And here I am, writing my first blog entry after talking about starting a blog for more months than I can remember. That's a direct result of yet another means of responding to disappointment or unmet expectation: after checking in to see if I really wanted what was temporarily blocked, and after choosing to place my attention on the many blessings in my life, I also asked myself how I might benefit from this unexpected stretch of time in my schedule. What have I been wanting to do that might now be ready to be done? The first thing that popped into my mind was, "Start the blog." And then I actually did it. (Not without the apparently requisite bout of procrastination, but that's a topic for another post.)

Welcome to my blog. I want to share with you the perspectives and insights I've gleaned in consciously intending to live a spiritually-centered life in a material world, and in helping others to do the same as a teacher and transformational life coach. I know there are many of us on this path, a path of heart and passion and great courage. It is easy to become doubtful, frustrated or very, very afraid. I've been all of those things. And I offer what I offer not as an expert, but as an experienced partner...one who is devoted to supporting others in seeing themselves and their lives through the eyes of love, and in connecting with their souls' longings and bringing those longings into full expression.

I look forward to sharing the journey with you.