Embracing Your Inner Procrastinator

A few weeks ago I led a workshop with the same title as this blog post. (I must admit it was a classic example of teaching what we most need to learn.) I’ve had an uneasy relationship with procrastination for years, and decided a while back that it needed a little TLC and probably a fresh insight or two. So I set an intention to learn more about procrastination and practice healthier ways of relating to it.


And I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve made tremendous progress! (Although I’m still working out some kinks, as you might guess from the length of time that has passed since my last blog update…)

In this post I want to share with you a little of what I’ve learned that has helped me – and my clients – the most. If you’ve ever struggled with procrastination, and the damning self-judgment that almost always accompanies it, a small but profound change in perspective could make all the difference for you. And I sincerely hope it does. So…here goes!

First I want to emphasize the need to use both tenderness and humor as you explore why you put things off. Procrastination is not a character flaw! It is a signal to get curious, to treat yourself with great respect and compassion, and to experiment with new ways of thinking and acting. It is not an invitation to judge yourself as severely lacking in some critical ingredient for success.

I know how easy it is to feel immensely frustrated with a tendency to procrastinate, and that frustration quickly morphs into self-judgment. But the simple truth is, self-judgment doesn’t work. Often our inner procrastinator is a bit of a rebel, and we can’t heal rebellion by heaping more judgment on it – judgment only increases the tendency to rebel. So I hereby request that you firmly set aside any judgment about procrastination. Just do it.

Now let’s start with the basics. Procrastination is generally either fear-based resistance…or love-based inner guidance. (Don’t you feel better already, just knowing that love could be in the mix?) And here’s the really good news: sometimes procrastination isn’t procrastination at all! It is simply the rhythm of our creative process, the ebb and flow of how we get things done.

So the first question to ask yourself is: am I really procrastinating? Or am I ultimately getting done what I want to get done, in its own perfect time? Imagine nothing else changing about how you do things except your inner monologue about how lazy you are and how you should be doing them sooner or faster. Can you imagine how free you would feel without that haranguing hawk of a judge inside you? You would feel wonderful.

Step back and take the long view. See if this thing you’re calling procrastination could be the incubation period of your creative process. See how the apparent delays may actually be serving your artistic need for exploration, rumination and fertilization. (Or much-needed rest.) See if you’re actually getting done what you want to get done, even if the timetable is a bit different than your inner control freak might dictate. Be willing to see it this way, and then see how you feel.

Of course, sometimes we really are putting things off that we think need to be done; we’re not creating, we’re avoiding. But before jumping back onto the self-judgment bandwagon, consider the possibility that dragging your feet is a form of inner guidance. Maybe this thing you’re avoiding doesn’t really need to get done, or maybe it doesn’t need to get done right how.

So the next question to ask yourself is: Am I avoiding something I truly want to do or have done, or something I think I should want? Is this really mine to do? I could give you several really juicy examples of people who have dared to ask themselves this question, and realized their so-called procrastination was really a form of inner guidance helping them stay on track with their true priorities. But in the interest of keeping this post from expanding into a novella, I won’t. Still, I hope you will ask this question seriously of yourself. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Okay, now let’s dive into the deep end of what most of us mean when we say we procrastinate: we’re putting off something we really do want to do or have done. Something that is truly ours to do. Yet we resist doing it…and then we berate ourselves for that.

This is where the tenderness comes in, because that kind of procrastination isn’t helpful guidance. It’s fear masquerading as resistance and justification (e.g., “I don’t feel like it right now…” or “I really don’t have the time…”). And if we can recognize the fear, we can bring compassion rather than judgment to the process. We can talk and coax ourselves into a more supportive mindset, as we might a frightened child (the part of us who is generally running the show at times like these). We can nudge ourselves lovingly into a little forward motion.

So when we’re avoiding doing what we truly want to do, we start by quietly asking: Why am I procrastinating? If I set aside all justifications and judgments, what am I afraid of? What am I afraid I’ll discover about myself?

(Quick tip: if your first answer is “Because I’m lazy” – or something equally damning - remember that’s a judgment and not at all helpful.)

Look firmly and gently for the specific fear underneath the resistance.

…”I’m afraid that even if I do it, then…”

…”I’m afraid I’m just no good at it…”

…”I’m afraid I have nothing useful to say…”

Once you’ve named your fear, bring your loving curiosity and a sincere willingness to see things differently to the table. Ask the following questions:

With respect to what I’m afraid of…

…is it really true?

…is it possible it’s not true?

…what else might be true that is even more relevant and helpful?

…what kind of support might I need to move through this?

All of these questions are useful. Sometimes just taking the time to ask what we’re afraid of, to write down our honest answer and then ask, “Is this really true?” is enough to dissolve the fear. We see clearly, once it’s stated in plain English, that what we believe to be true is only a childish fear. It is not true. And we can let it go.

Other times it’s not so easy dissolve a fear, and those times are when the question about what else might be true is particularly powerful. It calls us to reach for a deeper truth, one that is more empowering and kind.

For example, I may keep putting off writing because I’m afraid I’m just not that good at it, so why bother? Actually, I’m not just afraid I may not be good at it, I’m convinced that I’m not; but if I get quiet and ask myself what else might be true, I discover that I’m willing to get good at it, and that mastery doesn’t happen overnight. I remember that I have the passion and the willingness to keep practicing. And I remember that “being good at it” is highly subjective, and compared to how I was just a few short years ago, I’m pretty darned good. And resting in those deeper truths, I find my willingness to practice again.

It’s also a good idea to create a powerful affirmation of your deeper truth, one that is clear and inspiring. Mine could be, “I have what it takes to be a good writer!” or “My passion and willingness to practice writing are taking me where I want to go.” And once you’ve created your power statement, call on it repeatedly when that old familiar resistance shows up. Just take a deep breath, place a loving arm across the shoulders of your frightened inner child, and remind her of what is really true.

Uncovering your specific fears and creating powerful statements of deeper truth is one simple and effective way to support yourself in this process. Other ways include…

…Writing about why you want what you want, to get deeply connected to the satisfaction or fulfillment you long for, which is inherently motivating.

…Taking the tiniest, babiest steps you can think of – and celebrating each one as the victory that it is.

…Enlisting the support of a partner or coach.

There are undoubtedly countless other ways to stay supported and inspired. The important point is to recognize that you are deserving of that support, and to actively create it. And don’t forget, there is simply no room for judgment in this healing process. As my coach once said to me, in the words that have helped me time and time again, “You’re just going to have to love yourself through this.”

So love yourself through it. And take all the time you need.

Please be sure to visit my website for information on classes, workshops and private coaching.