If you’ve been reading my recent blog posts you may have noticed that I’ve been focusing a lot on self-love. It’s a subject that is near and dear to my heart because it’s central to my work in helping people create lives they truly love. As I often say, in order to create lives we love, we must let love lead. How could it be otherwise?
And the love that can lead each of us to fulfillment is our own love – a love that arises from the core of our being. This love recognizes our worthiness and magnificence and wants nothing more than to share it with the world in our own unique and joyful way.
Sounds good, doesn’t it?
I thought so, too. I’ve been doing this work for a while now, and I thought I understood the importance of self-love a long time ago. Yet I see now that it was more of an intellectual understanding than an actual knowing. As my life and work have evolved, the realization that self-love is central to the quality of our lived experience – and to the fulfillment of our potential – has deepened and expanded so much, it’s as if I’m having a fresh “Aha!” moment all over again. (And I love “Aha!” moments.)
I’m reminded of something a well-known physicist once said about a then-recent discovery in quantum physics. He said that if, upon learning of the discovery, your mind wasn’t completely blown away, you couldn’t possibly have grasped its implications. That’s how I feel now about understanding self-love, not as a concept but as a truth: it’s mind-blowing and life-altering.
And as luck and synchronicity would have it, I stumbled upon an awe-inspiring validation of this truth just as I was pulling together my thoughts for last Saturday’s workshop on the art and power of self-love. The title of the book is Dying to Be Me, and it is written by a woman named Anita Moorjani. Anita lived for four years with lymphoma that got progressively worse regardless of the myriad treatments she tried. By the time she was rushed to the hospital in a coma, she had multiple tumors the size of lemons from her neck all the way down to her abdomen; her body had been unable for some time to take in nourishment from food and so was eating away at itself, leaving her barely more than a skeleton; she could not walk or even breathe on her own. At the hospital it was determined that her organs were shutting down and she had only hours to live.
I’ll cut to the good part: she lived well beyond those few hours (six years and counting). But she did have what is referred to as a near death experience (NDE) so astonishing that, not only did it forever change her understanding of who we are and why we’re here in this physical realm, it completely healed her of all cancer…in days. It was a true miracle by the conventional standards of medical care.
During her NDE she was in a realm of consciousness that opened her to the greatest clarity and understanding of universal truths she had ever known; as she tells it, words can barely approximate the enormity of the experience. Yet what she writes is eloquent, electrifying, inspiring, joyful and comforting all at once. Obviously I’m not going to detail her experience here, although I hope you’ll read her book. But I am going to share with you one of her most startling revelations: it was self-love that healed her of cancer. Here is an excerpt from the book where she first offers this mind-blowing truth:
“It’s all very well for me to talk about healing after I’ve experienced it, or for me to tell you to just trust and let go, letting the flow of life take over; but when you’re going through a really low period, it’s difficult to do – or even know where to begin. However, I think the answer is simpler than it seems, and it’s one of the best-kept secrets of our time: the importance of self-love. You may frown or cringe at the thought, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to cultivate a deep love affair with yourself.
I don’t recall ever being encouraged to cherish myself – in fact, it would never even have occurred to me to do so. It’s commonly thought of as being selfish. But my NDE allowed me to realize that this was the key to my healing.” (my emphasis) - p. 138
Further in the book she talks about how essential it is to nurture our own souls, to take care of our needs and not put ourselves last all the time. It’s about learning to listen deeply to the wisdom within and treat ourselves with the utmost kindness and respect. And I love her bold assertion, quoted above, that we need to have a deep love affair with ourselves. I couldn’t agree more.
For me Anita has articulated an essential truth. After years of working with clients who come to me for support in creating lives they truly love – and after years of living with that same intention myself - I’ve recognized that creating a life we love is only possible when we genuinely love ourselves, first and always.
Without a generative, life-giving core of self-love, anything we do – whether it’s writing an impressive resume or perfecting our golf swing or taking care of an elderly parent or crafting an inviting profile for Match.com – will have what is essentially a hidden agenda. In the absence of genuine self-love, our actions are fundamentally driven by an unconscious need for proof - proof of our lovability, proof of our very worthiness. Whether we’re trying to improve ourselves to meet an external standard of perfection, or working to prove that our talents and skills have earned us the right for some kind of reward, or actively seeking approval from others, we’re looking outside of ourselves for something that already exists within us: our innate worth.
When we hold an intention for genuine self-love, we turn inward and open ourselves to see and feel and know our worthiness. And as we get to know ourselves as inherently worthy and, dare I say, magnificent, our lives begin to change. We begin living from the inside-out rather than the outside-in; we recognize the tremendous value of our unique talents and longings, not only to ourselves but to others; and we become more grounded, trusting and authentically generous since we’re giving from a sense of fullness rather than one of lack.
That is the paradox of genuine self-love. In its absence we become selfish and needy; in its presence we are loving and generous. It’s the ultimate win-win.
And the good news is, self-love is an intention we can declare and cultivate. So let’s do it. I hope you remember the Eyes of Love journal I talked about in the December issue, and the vital importance of soothing yourself I wrote about last month. If you haven’t explored them yet, now would be the perfect time. Learning to disempower our usual voices of self-doubt and self-criticism is essential to cultivating self-love, and it takes some practice – but the good news is, in this case the practice is fun because feeling good is what it’s all about!
Here’s something else you can explore as a means of aligning with your intention for self-love. Set aside some quiet time – it needn’t be a lot, but at least 15 minutes – and sit down with your journal or notebook and a pen. Take some deep, gentle breaths and invite yourself to become fully present in your body, in this moment. Then pick up your pen and write each of the following statements, very slowly. Pause after each one and take note of how you feel about it. Here they are:
I listen to myself.
I respect myself.
I trust myself.
I appreciate myself.
I honor myself.
I celebrate myself.
I cherish myself.
I have compassion for myself.
I am kind to myself.
I speak my truth.
Notice which statements you feel connected with and which you do not. See if one or two have a particular charge for you, in the sense that they seem foreign, false or even offensive. That’s where your juice is. Write down the word again (e.g., cherish,, respect, compassion, etc.)
Take a few more deep breaths and give your pen to the Wise Self within you. Ask, "How can I cultivate this particular aspect of self-love in my life?" Then just start writing, without censoring, and be willing to be surprised. Choose at least one thing you came up with that you're willing to commit to, right now.
Congratulations! You’ve just set a new intention that fortifies your intention for self-love. Get ready for your life to change. Because here is a little-known truth that Anita affirms so eloquently in her book: the kinder you are to yourself, the kinder the world is to you. Really.
I’ll say it again.
The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder the world is to you.
Try it and see what happens.
Be willing to explore this, full-out. Dare to commit to deepening your own experience of genuine self-love. It has the power to ignite your life in unimaginable ways.
Just ask Anita.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
How to Be Your Own Valentine
It’s that time of year again – February, with its own special holiday to celebrate love. And whether or not you have a certain someone in your life who is your Valentine, let me suggest something a little different. This year, vow to be your own Valentine. Decide that no one is more deserving of your respect, kindness and enthusiastic support than you, and get creative about cultivating and expressing those qualities toward yourself.
In other words…love yourself. Completely, courageously and unconditionally.
If you think that sounds self-absorbed, sappy or just plain selfish, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have had the privilege of working with countless talented, passionate, giving and highly motivated people over the years, and through that work a simple and stunning truth has been revealed to me:
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
Take a minute to really let that sink in. Feel the truth of it in your heart of hearts, in your bones and in every cell of your body.
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
It’s true. Yet many of us have been conditioned to view ourselves with skepticism or even suspicion. We don’t trust ourselves to make healthy choices, we fixate on our mistakes and shortcomings, and we keep striving to prove our worthiness in the workplace and in our families and communities. Self-doubt and self-criticism run rampant, often masquerading as “objectivity.” We’ve somehow come to believe that focusing on our perceived flaws and shortcomings is the adult, responsible thing to do. But if you step back and really think about it, you’ll see how utterly impossible it is to doubt or criticize yourself to success and fulfillment. It simply can’t be done.
We must learn instead to love ourselves to success and fulfillment. And contrary to popular belief, genuine self-love is neither selfish nor delusional; it is honest, expansive, kind and generous. Self-love is all about learning to recognize and celebrate our many talents, skills and passions. It is about soothing and supporting ourselves when we feel challenged. It is about daring to trust, honor and empower our deepest truths.
And the good news is, genuine self-love is an intention we can choose to consciously declare and nourish.
In the December 2011 issue of this magazine I shared with you one of my favorite practices for cultivating authentic self-love, which I call the Eyes of Love journal. This month, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to offer another simple way to begin translating the concept of self-love into your lived experience: self-soothing.
First let me say that we are never too old to soothe ourselves. That would be like saying we’re too old for kindness. Yet, somehow, we’ve come to believe that responsible adults shouldn’t need soothing. We think we have to be tough on ourselves, to “suck it up and get the job done” and whip ourselves into shape with stern reprimands when we fail to meet our objectives. The idea of soothing ourselves seems akin to treating ourselves like babies.
Well, guess what? Treating ourselves like babies – like precious beings of life and light that require tenderness and care – works like a charm. There are a number of reasons why this is true, but the one I want to draw attention to is this: what we focus on is what expands in our lives. When we take the time to recognize, honor and empower what is alive and sweet and passionate within us, we expand our aliveness, our sweetness and our passion. We begin to flourish, just as any life form flourishes when given the proper attention and care. Being kind to ourselves is like watering a parched plant rather than yelling at it to learn how to “take” the heat of the sun.
Of course there are times we need to be lovingly firm with ourselves – that’s a subject for another time. For now let’s explore the art of self-soothing as a way to cultivate genuine self-love.
The intention of self-soothing is to release judgment and offer a fresh perspective that is loving and supportive. Self-soothing is looking for the kernels of deep truth that affirm our highest qualities while acknowledging our tender places. It is about relaxing into acceptance of what is, without resistance, while maintaining a spirit of possibility.
It is about being your own best friend, one who loves and cherishes you. Your own special Valentine.
Here’s how it works. When things aren’t going the way you wanted or planned, and your mind begins telling stories about how dire things are and how poorly equipped you are to handle them – STOP. You may have worked up quite a head of steam with this story but, as soon as you become aware that you’re making yourself feel worse rather than better…just stop. Take some nice, relaxing breaths.
Simply decide, then and there, that you will not speak to yourself that way. Wrap your actual or metaphorical arms around yourself in a loving hug, and consciously look for a deeper truth about what’s going on – and about you - that is soothing, comforting or even inspiring.
Here are a few examples that might be helpful:
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I can’t believe I ate all that junk food last night; I feel terrible this morning. I just can’t seem to get it together with my eating habits. I’d better go back on that strict diet I tried last year but gave up on too soon.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s actually good that I don’t feel good about what I ate. That’s my body’s way of telling me that it’s time to make some shifts. This time I’m going to look for a new approach.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I still haven’t received payment from my client for that invoice I sent two months ago. It figures, that was the biggest single invoice I’ve ever issued. I wonder if I overcharged? It doesn’t matter. They’re probably on the verge of bankruptcy and I’ll never see a penny.”
Your soothing reminder: “I need to call the client and remind them that payment is now past due. This is good practice for me, speaking up to request payment, since I want to feel comfortable dealing with larger amounts of money. It’s helping me become very clear about the value of my services.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “It’s been almost three years since I realized I didn’t like the work I’m doing, and here I am, still at the same company and still miserable. Why can’t I get myself unstuck? Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to live a really fabulous life. I’m not a risk-taker.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s far better to give myself time to get comfortable with taking a big step like leaving my job, rather than forcing myself to do it and just hoping it will all work out. It’s good not to overreact and jump ship just because I don’t like something. And today is a new day. I wonder how I can get myself more comfortable with the idea of creating work I truly love?”
Notice that self-soothing is not the same thing as justifying behavior we know isn’t serving us, or blaming others for our unhappiness. In the first example, self-justifying might have sounded something like, “Well, it’s no wonder I ate so much! Mary kept piling those nachos on my plate and she wouldn’t take no for an answer!” In the second example, it would have been easy to simply wallow in blame: “They’ve been difficult to deal with all along. I’m not surprised they don’t have the professional courtesy to pay on time!” In the third example, self-justification and blame might have taken a turn like this: “They pile so much work on me, I barely have time to get the basics of life handled, much less look for a new job!”
I’m not saying that the self-justifying statements are false; at a surface level they are, perhaps, true. It’s just that they’re not helpful. True or not, those kinds of thoughts do not empower us. And how can we love ourselves fully if we don’t empower ourselves to create lives we love?
That is why soothing is not “babying.” It is empowering. It liberates us from the kind of thinking that keeps us small and stuck, paving the way for possibility and inspiration. It softens us, and in that softening we open to new ways of thinking and acting. Fundamentally it feels good, and feeling good matters. Feeling good matters because you matter.
And isn’t that what a true Valentine would remind you? Of course! But don’t wait to hear that from someone else; say it to yourself and back it up with your thoughts and actions. Practice self-soothing every chance you get, and keep writing in that Eyes of Love journal. Before you know it, your heart will open and your spirit will soar and you will be in love with Life. Your life.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Copyright © 2012
Suzanne E. Eder
In other words…love yourself. Completely, courageously and unconditionally.
If you think that sounds self-absorbed, sappy or just plain selfish, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have had the privilege of working with countless talented, passionate, giving and highly motivated people over the years, and through that work a simple and stunning truth has been revealed to me:
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
Take a minute to really let that sink in. Feel the truth of it in your heart of hearts, in your bones and in every cell of your body.
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
It’s true. Yet many of us have been conditioned to view ourselves with skepticism or even suspicion. We don’t trust ourselves to make healthy choices, we fixate on our mistakes and shortcomings, and we keep striving to prove our worthiness in the workplace and in our families and communities. Self-doubt and self-criticism run rampant, often masquerading as “objectivity.” We’ve somehow come to believe that focusing on our perceived flaws and shortcomings is the adult, responsible thing to do. But if you step back and really think about it, you’ll see how utterly impossible it is to doubt or criticize yourself to success and fulfillment. It simply can’t be done.
We must learn instead to love ourselves to success and fulfillment. And contrary to popular belief, genuine self-love is neither selfish nor delusional; it is honest, expansive, kind and generous. Self-love is all about learning to recognize and celebrate our many talents, skills and passions. It is about soothing and supporting ourselves when we feel challenged. It is about daring to trust, honor and empower our deepest truths.
And the good news is, genuine self-love is an intention we can choose to consciously declare and nourish.
In the December 2011 issue of this magazine I shared with you one of my favorite practices for cultivating authentic self-love, which I call the Eyes of Love journal. This month, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to offer another simple way to begin translating the concept of self-love into your lived experience: self-soothing.
First let me say that we are never too old to soothe ourselves. That would be like saying we’re too old for kindness. Yet, somehow, we’ve come to believe that responsible adults shouldn’t need soothing. We think we have to be tough on ourselves, to “suck it up and get the job done” and whip ourselves into shape with stern reprimands when we fail to meet our objectives. The idea of soothing ourselves seems akin to treating ourselves like babies.
Well, guess what? Treating ourselves like babies – like precious beings of life and light that require tenderness and care – works like a charm. There are a number of reasons why this is true, but the one I want to draw attention to is this: what we focus on is what expands in our lives. When we take the time to recognize, honor and empower what is alive and sweet and passionate within us, we expand our aliveness, our sweetness and our passion. We begin to flourish, just as any life form flourishes when given the proper attention and care. Being kind to ourselves is like watering a parched plant rather than yelling at it to learn how to “take” the heat of the sun.
Of course there are times we need to be lovingly firm with ourselves – that’s a subject for another time. For now let’s explore the art of self-soothing as a way to cultivate genuine self-love.
The intention of self-soothing is to release judgment and offer a fresh perspective that is loving and supportive. Self-soothing is looking for the kernels of deep truth that affirm our highest qualities while acknowledging our tender places. It is about relaxing into acceptance of what is, without resistance, while maintaining a spirit of possibility.
It is about being your own best friend, one who loves and cherishes you. Your own special Valentine.
Here’s how it works. When things aren’t going the way you wanted or planned, and your mind begins telling stories about how dire things are and how poorly equipped you are to handle them – STOP. You may have worked up quite a head of steam with this story but, as soon as you become aware that you’re making yourself feel worse rather than better…just stop. Take some nice, relaxing breaths.
Simply decide, then and there, that you will not speak to yourself that way. Wrap your actual or metaphorical arms around yourself in a loving hug, and consciously look for a deeper truth about what’s going on – and about you - that is soothing, comforting or even inspiring.
Here are a few examples that might be helpful:
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I can’t believe I ate all that junk food last night; I feel terrible this morning. I just can’t seem to get it together with my eating habits. I’d better go back on that strict diet I tried last year but gave up on too soon.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s actually good that I don’t feel good about what I ate. That’s my body’s way of telling me that it’s time to make some shifts. This time I’m going to look for a new approach.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I still haven’t received payment from my client for that invoice I sent two months ago. It figures, that was the biggest single invoice I’ve ever issued. I wonder if I overcharged? It doesn’t matter. They’re probably on the verge of bankruptcy and I’ll never see a penny.”
Your soothing reminder: “I need to call the client and remind them that payment is now past due. This is good practice for me, speaking up to request payment, since I want to feel comfortable dealing with larger amounts of money. It’s helping me become very clear about the value of my services.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “It’s been almost three years since I realized I didn’t like the work I’m doing, and here I am, still at the same company and still miserable. Why can’t I get myself unstuck? Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to live a really fabulous life. I’m not a risk-taker.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s far better to give myself time to get comfortable with taking a big step like leaving my job, rather than forcing myself to do it and just hoping it will all work out. It’s good not to overreact and jump ship just because I don’t like something. And today is a new day. I wonder how I can get myself more comfortable with the idea of creating work I truly love?”
Notice that self-soothing is not the same thing as justifying behavior we know isn’t serving us, or blaming others for our unhappiness. In the first example, self-justifying might have sounded something like, “Well, it’s no wonder I ate so much! Mary kept piling those nachos on my plate and she wouldn’t take no for an answer!” In the second example, it would have been easy to simply wallow in blame: “They’ve been difficult to deal with all along. I’m not surprised they don’t have the professional courtesy to pay on time!” In the third example, self-justification and blame might have taken a turn like this: “They pile so much work on me, I barely have time to get the basics of life handled, much less look for a new job!”
I’m not saying that the self-justifying statements are false; at a surface level they are, perhaps, true. It’s just that they’re not helpful. True or not, those kinds of thoughts do not empower us. And how can we love ourselves fully if we don’t empower ourselves to create lives we love?
That is why soothing is not “babying.” It is empowering. It liberates us from the kind of thinking that keeps us small and stuck, paving the way for possibility and inspiration. It softens us, and in that softening we open to new ways of thinking and acting. Fundamentally it feels good, and feeling good matters. Feeling good matters because you matter.
And isn’t that what a true Valentine would remind you? Of course! But don’t wait to hear that from someone else; say it to yourself and back it up with your thoughts and actions. Practice self-soothing every chance you get, and keep writing in that Eyes of Love journal. Before you know it, your heart will open and your spirit will soar and you will be in love with Life. Your life.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Copyright © 2012
Suzanne E. Eder
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