Embracing Your Inner Procrastinator

There’s something I find myself learning over and over again. Or maybe it’s more accurate – and more kind - to say that I’m continually deepening my understanding of it.  It crops up repeatedly, especially when I feel I’m falling behind in whatever priorities I’ve set for myself. 

To put it bluntly, it crops up when I find myself procrastinating. 

The “it” I’m talking about is a tidbit of insight that has comforted me and enriched the quality of my life time and time again.

Here it is:

There is nothing wrong with procrastination.

This is tremendously good news, particularly if you’ve burdened yourself with the shameful label of “procrastinator” - which, in our fast-paced, action-oriented culture, is only slightly better than being labeled a liar. Or a loser. Or someone who doesn’t think that mobile devices are all they’re cracked up to be.

Believe me, I’m very familiar with the squirmy, uncomfortable feeling that arises when I keep putting off something I need – or even want – to do. And in contrast, I know how amazing it feels to be in the flow of productivity and accomplishment. So why, you might ask, do I think there’s nothing wrong with that sludgy, no-progress state we call procrastination?

It has to do with the word “wrong.” Let’s suspend the label of “procrastination” and describe the experience in a neutral way: it is a choice not to do something in this moment. Or perhaps, even more simply, it is a choice made among alternatives. Again – in this moment.

The reason it feels bad is that we’re judging our choice as wrong. And in doing so, we’re subtly judging ourselves as wrong, or ineffective, or lacking in some way. It’s the self-judgment that hurts. Let me pause here and offer another tidbit that has enriched the quality of my life time and again:

Self-judgment will never get you where you want to go. Ever.

See if you can feel how liberating it would be to drop the word “procrastination” – and all the judgment it implies – and simply allow yourself to make fresh choices, moment to moment, about what you’re willing and able to do. I’ve discovered that what we call procrastination is simply resistance – and resistance is a message from our inner guidance system that we’ve somehow strayed from our own genuine desires or natural rhythm, or both.

Consider the possibility that your resistance to doing something may be…

·         A natural aspect of your creative cycle, which requires periods of incubation, integration and rest.

·         A signal that what you think you “should” do isn’t really what you’re genuinely willing to do, or what would serve you best.

·         A reflection of a fear you may have about moving forward which, until it is acknowledged, cannot be challenged or released.

·         An invitation to pause and modify your plans based on new information.

In the absence of self-judgment, resistance is an opportunity to slow down and learn something about yourself.

I could share numerous examples of clients with whom I’ve worked, who berated themselves harshly for procrastinating about something only to discover that their resistance was simply trying to get their attention – their loving, curious attention. What we call procrastination is an invitation to greater self-awareness and deeper self-regard.

I remember a former student of mine who was immensely frustrated with herself for not making progress on her masters’ thesis. The topic for the thesis has actually been suggested by her boyfriend, who was a physician. My client had no genuine interest in the subject; what she really wanted to write was a novel. But she’d chipped away at the thesis, slowly and grudgingly, until her own resistance ground her to a halt.

That’s when she finally admitted to herself that the thesis had nothing to do with who she was or what she wanted to create. She was working on it in an effort to please – and to appease – her boyfriend. She was both afraid of him and in awe of him. He was an abusive man and the relationship was not a healthy one, something she had avoided facing for a long time. It was the resistance to the thesis that finally got her attention. As she awakened more fully to who she is and what she wanted for her life, she chose to end the relationship. She also gave herself permission to suspend work on the thesis. Shortly thereafter, she landed a job teaching creative writing at a local community college, which she loved.

Had she not judged herself as a procrastinator, she could have more readily seen that her resistance wasn’t a character flaw, it was a message. 

The same is true for you. Your resistance – formerly known as procrastination – has information for you. Before assuming you are lazy or simply unmotivated, pause. Refuse to judge yourself. Determine to love yourself instead. Get curious about what your resistance may be telling you about who you really are and what you really want for your life. 

And be willing to listen.

If Everything is Perfect, Why Am I Not Living a Life I Love?

There is a concept that many of us on a spiritual path have been introduced to - the idea and understanding that "everything is perfect" - which I've noticed can generate more than a little confusion...and frustration. Sure, it's easy to feel that everything is perfect when you're on a roll and wonderful things keep showing up in your experience. It's not so easy to acknowledge that everything is perfect when things aren't going your way.

I've come to understand that "everything is perfect" has multiple layers of meaning, but the one I want to focus on here is this: everything we experience is a perfect reflection of our vibration - our intentions, beliefs, thoughts, language and action. If we believe that life is a struggle, that's what we'll experience. If we believe we are somehow "not enough," we'll keep finding ourselves in circumstances where that appears to be true. If we believe men are jerks, we'll keep bumping into men who are...jerky.

And if we believe we are whole and worthy and talented and valuable, those beliefs will be reflected back to us in myriad ways - through work we love, vibrant health, satisfying relationships and fulfilling, creative self-expression. We'll be successful in ways that are meaningful to us.

Of course, most of us experience quite a mix of circumstances, because most of us are quite a mix of vibrations. Some of the signals we're sending out will generate experiences we like, others will generate experience we don't like. If we don't understand the vibrational component, simply telling ourselves, "Everything is perfect" when things don't go the way we want can eventually lead to stagnation. (Note I said it can lead to stagnation, not that it will. There is a way that "Everything is perfect" can be immensely helpful, which I'll get to in a moment.)

Sometimes, when people say "Everything is perfect" when their life situation is anything but, what's underneath that statement is something along these lines: "Life works in mysterious ways. I don't know why this is happening, and I can't see any good coming from it, but spiritual people say that everything is perfect so I'm just going to trust that and keep going." There is a sense of powerlessness, a feeling that "life happens" and the best I can do is float along. Certain unwelcome patterns repeat thsmselves, but if I keep telling myself only that everything is perfect, I won't make the inner shifts that will create outer shifts in my circumstances.

And that's what I mean when I say that the unexamined statement, "Everything is perfect," can create stagnation. Unwanted experiences, especially recurring ones, are an invitation to pause and reflect on what we're intending or believing that could be calling them into our experience. Yes, they are perfect: perfect reflections of our vibration. So now it's time to get curious! Here are a few simple questions we can ask ourselves about things that show up in our lives that we don't like:

• What is this reflecting back to me?
• What does it help me to notice about my beliefs?
• What does this reveal about the way I feel about myself?
• What could I shift in my attitude or perception that might generate a different experience?

A full exploration of how to recognize and shift the vibrations that create our unwanted experiences is more than I can cover in a single blog post, of course. (Stay tuned for my upcoming online course which will lead you through this step by step!) I just wanted to encourage you to start reclaiming your power to create a life you love by becoming willing to see the relationship between your beliefs and thoughts, and the life you're living. It's far more empowering to realize, "I created this, and I can create something else" than to say, "Life happens..."

Now, this doesn't mean I want you to go crazy trying to "figure out" how you created every specific thing that shows up in your life. Not at all! That would tangle you up in a level of self-analysis that would likely lead to self-judgment - or at least paralysis - and that is never helpful. In fact, that's where a simple, "Everything is perfect" can be quite helpful. Sometimes, we really can't see how our vibration has created the situation we're in. So it's best, in that moment, to let it go. Reminding ourselves that "Everything is perfect" is a way to release resistance and call a time-out to any unproductive self-analysis we may have initiated. We can intend for any insights we need to show up, and simply remain open and curious.

So if you're not living a life you really love, don't try to convince yourself you are by telling yourself that everything is perfect. Be willing to make a stand for the life you want, and be willing to recognize that you can create it as you shift your intentions, beliefs and thoughts.

Yes, you can.

So Is It Selfish to Want to Manifest Your Desires?

In a recent conversation with a new acquaintance, she revealed to me that she didn't really think life is about manifesting what we desire. I don't recall her specific words, but what she said reminded me of a perspective I've encountered again and again as I do my work supporting people in...manifesting what they desire.

There are beliefs, entrenched in mass consciousness, that life is serious business. Manifesting desires is seen as downright selfish. Many people, depending on whether they consider themselves "realistic" or "spiritual," think that our purpose in life is to work hard or learn lessons.

I used to think that way...until I realized that in doing so, I was living a life of hard work and learning lessons.
I wasn't all that fun to be around. And when I became completely honest with myself, I finally acknowledged that I wanted a wholly different experience. I wanted to experience joy, fulfillment, happiness, satisfaction - and, yes, recurring good hair days.

So I gave myself permission to want what I really wanted.

And what I've come to understand is that our wants and desires are neither frivolous nor selfish. They're actually evolutionary impulses, calling us forward into new avenues of growth, creativity and self-expression.

I know, it's not always easy to see them that way. There seem to be so many examples of selfish desires - who really needs that huge McMansion, anyway?! - that desire itself has gotten a bad rap.

But the thing is, our desires mature and evolve as we do. And we can't experience the ongoing expansion of our creativity if we squelch desire from the get-go. Instead, we benefit greatly from learning to nurture our desires, to acknowledge them and appreciate them and let them lead us into new experiences.

As we mature, we learn to distinguish between desires that arise from wanting to prove ourselves vs. those that arise from wanting to express ourselves, and we recognize that the latter are more fulfilling. But if we label all desires as frivolous or selfish, we never reach that point of evolution. We cut ourselves off from realizing our greatest self-expression - and it is through our genuine, joy-filled self-expression that we are of most service to others.

In other words, honoring your desires is not selfish, it is self-respecting and inherently generous.

I see our genuine desires as the inner compass leading us to our deepest fulfillment. And so from that standpoint, I might even say that manifesting our desires is why we're here.

I'm not saying that life is about accumulating lots of stuff, although I'm not judging that, either. I mean that, in the quiet heart of our hearts, most of us desire experiences such as being respected, feeling appreciated, making a difference, expressing our creativity, having fun, creating beauty, helping others...you get the idea. Our desires form the core of our intentions, which give purpose and direction to our lives.

So I say it's high time we stop judging our desires and begin celebrating them instead.

We may not manifest every desire we have, but the process of honoring them opens us to our inherent joy and creativity.

And isn't that what life is all about?

Power Play

Let’s talk about power. 

Not power over anything or anyone, but power to create a life you love.

How powerful do you feel? Do you believe you have the power to create what you deeply want to experience in life? Do you have the power to stay centered and calm and make necessary course corrections when things get a little wobbly? 

Power is all about energy, because energy is the fundamental basis of reality as we experience it in this universe. And being powerful is not just about having “big” energy, but having coherent, aligned and focused energy. 

Ah, focus. 

One of the most direct routes to gaining – or reclaiming – your personal power to create a life you love is to develop your ability to focus. And I don’t mean thinking about something with such intensity that your head hurts and your eyeballs bulge from their sockets. It’s not about being myopic or rigid or one-dimensional.

The focus I’m talking about is cultivated through what I think of as light-hearted persistence. A willingness to, again and again, notice what you’re paying attention to and how you feel about it, then choosing to shift your attention toward something that aligns more with who you are and what you want.

Think about all the places your attention wanders throughout the day. How much time is it focused on what matters to you or what lights you up or what relaxes and comforts you? How much time, instead, might your attention be absorbed in ways of thinking that upset or frustrate or bore you?

Notice the emphasis on feelings. How you feel is crucial to understanding your level of personal power. Feelings of  worry, frustration, resentment, blame, resignation, etc., reflect varying levels of feeling powerless. 

Pause to really let that sink in.

The worse you feel, the less powerful you are.

Or to be more precise, the worse you feel, the less powerful you believe yourself to be. In truth you are innately powerful. But when you’re feeling badly, it’s a signal you’re focused in a way that is cutting you off from your own power. 

Imagine what it would be like to stand in your full power, knowing you had all the inner and outer resources to navigate through life. Feelings of frustration or upset would be very rare. You might still encounter unexpected speedbumps or losses or setbacks, but you would respond to them from your powerful center, knowing that moving through them opens you to growth and expansion and even greater experiences of what you truly want.

You would feel capable, or accepting and peaceful, or willing, or resourceful, or curious, or creative, or energized, or maybe even inspired by a new challenge. You would feel effective. You might even be able to find some humor in whatever was going on. 

Obviously no one feels this way all the time. And that’s perfectly fine, we’re human! Our job isn’t to make feelings go away, it’s to understand their immense value. Our feelings are exquisitely tuned indicators, informing us when we’re in alignment with our authentic selves and when we’re leaking power. The more aware we are of how we feel, the more quickly and smoothly we can shift into a more empowered place.

Having worked with countless people over the years, helping them reclaim their personal power to create lives they love, I can tell you that many people give a tremendous amount of their power away. They give it away to people and institutions and things over which they have no direct control. So it’s more like throwing it away, now that I think about it.

Pause and consider how much time you may spend thinking or talking about what’s wrong with…

…the government

…the healthcare system

…big corporations

…our legal system

…your boss

…your co-workers

…your spouse or partner

…your dysfunctional family of origin

…your favorite thing to complain or be upset about

Notice that as you blame or complain or worry, you feel powerless.  You are focused in a way that robs you of power, and aspects of your life which you could directly influence or improve are being ignored.

Consider which, of the following pairs of options, is a more empowered way to live:

• Complaining about the healthcare system or committing to being as healthy as possible?
• Worrying about whether Social Security will be there when you retire or exploring ways to generate more income now?
• Blaming management for creating a hostile environment or getting really focused on the kind of work you want and taking steps toward finding it?
•  Gossiping about your lazy coworkers or taking the time to acknowledge and appreciate yourself for your talent and contributions? (And, on a good day, taking the time to acknowledge and appreciate their talent and contributions!)
• Resenting your father for not really being there for you when you were young or finding ways to “be there” for yourself, right now?

 

You get the idea, I’m sure. And I’ll be the first to admit that it isn’t always easy to let go of resentment and blame and worry, because when we’re insecure it feels good to be “right” about how “wrong” others are. But when you pause to consider the quality of your life experience in terms of empowerment, it quickly becomes evident that being “right” often carries a high cost: peace of mind and creative control over your life.

So am I saying you should just give up and not try to create positive change in an area such as healthcare? Not at all.  I’m saying that the quality of your life experience matters, and the better you feel, the more able you are to create a life you love.  I’m saying that true power is reflected not in your ability to control others, but to influence and uplift them. And the better you feel – the more grounded and peaceful and inspired - the more able you are to do that without creating a backlash of resistance or resentment.

I’m saying that being powerful is a good thing, and the more empowered we are, the more fun we can have co-creating an amazing world.

So let’s take our power back. Here’s how.

First, notice where you focus your attention and how you feel when you do. Whenever you feel worried, bitter, resentful or frustrated - pause. Take some deep breaths and feel your feelings, without adding fuel to their fire by continuing to think worried or complaining thoughts. Say firmly to yourself, “I’m not giving my power away to this. I’m taking it back.”

Next, give your mind something constructive to play with. Learn to ask open-ended questions that point you toward possibility and growth, such as:

• What good could come from this?
• How might this help me see more clearly what I want and what is important to me?
• What if intelligent, caring people are already working to shift this?
•  Is there one step I could take right now to move this in a direction I prefer?
•  Where could I focus to feel more empowered?
•  What am I learning about myself through this?
•  What is the best possible outcome I can imagine?

And finally, when you’re feeling calm, clear and centered, consider the things that often upset or frustrate you and ask yourself, “Is this something I feel strongly enough about to make a stand for positive change?”  

Be completely honest with yourself and respond intuitively, not analytically. Would championing this cause light you up and fulfill your sincere desire to be a part of something fulfilling and meaningful to you? If so, honor yourself by honoring that desire. Just remember that what we focus on is what we create, so as you move into action, remain focused in “solution consciousness” rather than “problem consciousness.” Hold a vision for what you want to create, don’t keep railing against what you don’t like. What we resist, persists.

And what if you discover that championing this cause really isn’t, in your heart of hearts, what you feel called to do? Then honor yourself by letting it go. Invest your priceless energy and attention in the people and things that bring you joy or matter deeply to you. 

As always, taking the time and care to slow down and listen to your heart of hearts – and then honoring what you hear – is your path of greatest fulfillment.  Your willingness to do that again and again - with loving, light-hearted persistence – connects you with your innate power. And what better experience of power could there be than the power to live a fulfilled life?

Feeling Those Good Vibrations

The following is excerpted from an online course I’m creating about the essentials of creating a life you truly love.  This working title for this particular module is, “Try Supporting What You Want Rather Than Diminishing It.” How’s that for a radical idea? It follows a module about giving yourself permission to want what you really want for your life, which is a theme my readers will recognize as one I write about frequently. So assuming you’ve actually given yourself permission to want what you really want – and if you haven’t, now would be a good time! – read on…

Okay, you’ve given yourself permission to want what you really want, and to feel how you really want to feel. Congratulations! Take a moment, right now, to close your eyes and imagine you are already experiencing what you want to experience. Luxuriate in the feelings and images that are stimulated. Relax, breathe a little deeper, and relish these feelings for as long as you can.

Notice that you can actually feel the way you want to feel right now, even before “what” you want has materialized. This is key. I’m not the first person to make this next point, and I’m sure I won’t be the last, but even if you’ve heard it countless times, see if you can take it in at an even deeper level:

We want what we want because we think that, in having it or experiencing it, we will feel better. So feel better now. The capacity for those feelings is within you.

As you choose to generate and experience those good feelings more often, you become a magnet for ideas, people and opportunities that are on that same good-feeling wavelength. You move forward with more fluidity, creating what you want – because you can, and because the creative process is so enlivening – rather than working to “get” what you want.

And that’s what supporting what you want is all about. It’s about finding ways to focus on what you want (rather than becoming absorbed in what you don’t want), relishing the anticipation of experiencing it, relaxing and opening to inspiration, nudging yourself to take small steps forward and looking for all the resources and reasons you have to succeed.

It’s also about learning to respond constructively to the small-self part of you that doubts your ability to realize your dreams, or simply judges them to be impractical and ignores them. We’ll talk more about that later, but for now just notice how common it is for people – maybe you? – to immediately look for, and enumerate, all the reasons why they can’t have what they really want.

We’ve become habitual dream-crushers with thoughts and questions such as:

·         Nobody has ever pulled this off. It’s completely unrealistic!

·         That’s going to take more time and money than I have.

·         The world doesn’t need another ___________. There’s too much competition out there already.

·         I’m not good at sticking with projects for the long term.

·         Who am I to think I can have that?

·         This is just the way I am, and I’m too old to change.

·         I have no idea how to do this.

The list could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. Given how quickly our minds can fill in the “reasons why not” – the reasons we can’t have or experience what we want – we need to literally retrain them to focus in a way that empowers and supports us.

In this article I’ll offer a practice that has been particularly helpful to me, and to my clients and students, in that retraining process.  But before launching into the details of the practice, let me offer another key point that you have undoubtedly heard before, yet is so fundamental to creating a life you love that it cannot be overstated. It’s one that is easily understood at an intellectual level, but in order to realize its power, you have to “get it” at a far deeper, more embodied level.

 Are you ready? Drum roll, please.

You cannot get what you want by focusing on what you don’t want.

Let that one really sink in. Reflect on all the places your mind wanders throughout the day, and where it goes when you consider manifesting what you want. Which direction are you facing – toward what you want, or away from it?

Here are a few examples of where we often focus our attention. In many cases we think we’re focusing on what we want, but we’re really placing our attention on the perceived obstacles to what we want:

·         Past failed attempts to create what we want (thinking that if we figure out where we went wrong, we’ll be able to move forward)

·         Resources we need that we don’t have

·         Tasks and to-do lists that don’t include any steps toward our dreams

·         All the things we’re not getting done

·         How hard things are right now

·         How long creating what we want will take

·         Worst-case scenarios if we pursue what we want

·         Worst-case scenarios if we don’t!

If you were able, moment to moment, to notice where your attention is and whether it’s pointed toward what you want - and, if it is not, to pause and shift your focus - you would not need to use the practice I’m going to suggest. (But you might choose to use it, anyway, because it’s fun!)

So intend, right now, to do just that. Imagine you can turn up the dial of self-awareness and begin noticing where your attention and thoughts are focused. Keep choosing to pause and shift your focus whenever you notice you’ve wandered into “don’t want” land. Let it be that simple.

And now let’s get to the practice. It’s a direct and powerful method for developing a new habit of focusing on what you want in a way that is supportive and empowered. Here it is:

Keep a “Good Vibrations” notebook.

I love this one. I still write in mine most days, and without fail it helps me get focused and feel better about where I’m headed.

The idea of a “Good Vibrations” notebook is simple: record anything and everything that helps you get in the vibration of what you want to create or experience. It’s the perfect place for asking (and answering), “What do I really want to create or experience in my life?”, jotting down your Reasons Why, brainstorming (and even answering) your Effective Questions and playing with your One Small Step ideas. (Note: the capitalized phrases are the names of additional practices from the online course that were too detailed to include in this article.)

It’s also the perfect place for acknowledging and celebrating the steps you’ve taken and the wonderful outcomes you’ve created. Bestselling author Tama Kieves refers to this as a “win list,” which is a simple and powerful way to keep your attention focused on what you want, rather than on what you don’t want.

And the best part about the win list is, it helps you grasp that you’re already living into your dreams. You’re already successful. What you want isn’t a “thing” out there in your future. It is an ongoing expression of who you are.

Nothing is too big or too small for the win list. If you’re cultivating peace of mind and you carved 10 minutes into your day for meditation, that’s a win! If, in the midst of a conversation with a friend, you noticed you were complaining about the progress you feel you haven’t made, and then switched your focus to all the progress you have made – that’s a win! If someone gave you positive feedback on something you did, and you were able to really take it in – that’s a win!

And of course, if Oprah calls with an offer to create a new show featuring you and your work – that would probably go on the list, too.

Be creative about what – and how - to write in your Good Vibrations notebook. You can write in prose, poetry or bullet-point lists. You can draw pictures. You can add cutesy things such as stars and hearts to highlight your favorite things. You can spend two minutes with it each day, or twenty.

Make it fun and inviting for you, so that you look forward to writing in it. Keep it going for a while on some regular basis – daily is great, but weekly is good, too – until you’re living more readily from that “good vibration” place.

You might be tempted to dismiss this practice as simplistic rather than simple and helpful. I hope you won’t. It’s purposefully simple so your mind doesn’t get all tangled up in philosophical arguments or analytical detail. And it works.

Of course, feel free to create your own practices that help you support rather than diminish what you want. As you consciously choose to focus, more and more, in that direction, you will naturally create the positive shifts you want to make.

And remember, what you want matters…because you matter. Let that one really sink in, too.