Seeing with New Eyes

One of my favorite quotes, which is also the tagline for my monthly column in Living.Well magazine, is this one from Marcel Proust:

"The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."

Time and again in my life, and in my work with clients, I have witnessed the profoundly transformative power of this great truth. When we change how we see things, we change what is possible. Seeing with new eyes gives us access to the kind of paradigm-shattering potential that can end racism, sexism and every other "-ism" that divides us; it reveals opportunity in the midst of struggle; it softens our hard edges and invites us into deeper and more meaningful relationships with each other and with life. Seeing with new eyes is the art and science of conscious evolution, moving us toward higher levels of harmony, beauty and truth. In the absence of our willingness to look again, to look more deeply, to look through a new lens, we remain stuck in our prejudices, our blindness and our smallness. We fail to realize our most cherished potential.

Creating and exploring new perspectives on things is something I engage in frequently with clients who are committed to personal growth and transformation. Interestingly, in our therapeutically-savvy culture, many will identify this approach as a specific technique known as reframing. But for me, the intention to look with new eyes at something is a far nobler and more enterprising undertaking than simply "reframing" it. After all, the very notion of reframing suggests that the fundamental picture hasn't changed, we're just dressing it up to look a little better. It's sort of like finding a silver lining in the cloud...helpful to be sure, but there is still a cloud.

When we seek to look with  new eyes, we're not just trying to make the cloud appear less threatening. We're holding an intention to see our experience not as a cloud at all, but as something altogether different. It's sort of like that picture you may have been shown in a "think outside the box" seminar: you see either an old hag or a sophisitcated young woman, depending on how you interpret the play of lines, light and shadow. It isn't that you're putting a pretty frame around a picture of an old woman to make her look a bit more appealing; the picture itself is seen as something completely different.

And the same is true when we hold an intention to see differently - and to be clear, I'm talking about a specific kind of  "different." I'm talking about a willingness to see through eyes of love rather than through a lens of fear, doubt and judgment.

Let me share an example from my life that I've seen reflected in the lives of many clients who are seeking to find or create more fulfilling work. Despite having graduated with top honors with a challenging double-major in accounting and economics, despite having been hired by one of the most prestigious accounting firms in the world, despite having made a successful transition into a Fortune 500 corporation, despite having been repeatedly promoted and given every opportunity to reach the highest levels of the company - I did not, in fact, reach the highest level of the company. I bailed out. I didn't really have what it takes to become CEO, or even CFO. I - dare I say it? - failed. I didn't attain the career success that the greater part of my waking adult life was centered on achieving.

If I were to merely reframe that experience, I would remind myself of all the wonderful friends I've made along the way, the great salary and benefits I enjoyed and the innumerable skills I've developed that serve me wherever I go. I might even be generous enough with myself to point out the many ways I added value to the company and improved the lives of employees there. I would pat myself on the back and feel much better about my failure.

But when I hold the intention to see my work experience with new eyes - with the eyes of wisdom, compassion and the deepest truth I can know - what I see is this: I had to "fail" at what wasn't mine to do. That was the only way I could be open and available to create and commit to what is mine to do. In fact, my failure to reach the corner office wasn't a failure at all, but the inevitable and life-affirming result of my deeper intention to find work I truly, deeply loved.

And so seeing with new eyes isn't about ignoring our true experience, or pretending things didn't happen the way they did. It is about interpreting our experience in a way that reveals our highest nature and deepest truth. And when we do that, we connect with a magnificently wise and wonderful aspect of our being that wants what is best for us, always. We gain access to the kind of wisdom, clarity and self-trust that create a firm foundation for moving forward with quiet confidence. We open ourselves to what is possible rather than locking ourselves into endlessly repeating stories of our failures and shortcomings. We keep becoming more and more of who we truly are.

This is the true power of seeing with new eyes. It is literally a creative act: we're not simply reframing something, we are rewriting it. And again, it isn't about telling exaggerated stories of our talent and bravado; it is about looking deeper and seeing the innocence, the longings, the persistence, the courage and the willingness to learn underneath the surface experience. It is about recognizing that when we fail to live our truth, no one is served. It is about acknowledging the role that fear has played in our lives, and seeing that it isn't a good master - and seeing, too, how we kept going even though we were afraid, or resigned, or doubtful. How we wanted to keep going, how we deeply yearn for the highest and best that we know lives within us.

So be willing to see the highest and best within yourself. Claim your true talents and aspirations and generosity and courage. Treat yourself with dignity and respect.

And dare to rewrite your story.

What the World Needs

There are times when I feel so clear and inspired about the work I do, so committed to helping empower others to honor, trust and follow the longings and wisdom of their souls, that my whole life comes into focus in a particularly joyful way. I feel aligned, energized, on purpose. I buzz with ideas and inspiration and countless ideas for ways to expand my work and my business. I almost burst with gratitude for the opportunities and rewards of doing this sacred work.

And then there are other times. Times when I don't feel like that at all, not even a teeny bit. Times when I question everything, doubt almost everything, and fear pretty much eveything else. Times when I just can't see the point of what I'm doing, especially when there are so many crises in the world that demand our immediate attention. I find myself asking, "What does the world really need with another coach, another spiritual teacher? There are so many out there already, really good and talented and famous people who are already providing these teachings to the world..."

This is an important question. I think we do ourselves, and our world, a great service by asking what the world needs, and seeing how and where our talents and gifts might line up with that. Yet I think we also do ourselves, and our world, a great service by asking what we need. What we truly, deeply need - what we long to create, give or experience. We are, after all, an integral and essential part of the whole, and so what we need counts.

I'm not speaking here of what our ego might think it needs to be liked, to feel safe, to be "special," to be approved. I'm talking about the deepest yearnings of our soul to live a meaningful, passionate and purposeful life, the secret longings we often judge as too big or too hard or too far-fetched. The ones we judge as silly or woo-woo or simply impractical. The ones we think someone else will do, or has already done, far better than we could ever do. The ones we keep ignoring.

It turns out that these longings are the very thing that bring us to life. When we allow ourselves to honor them, to trust them and to follow them, we connect with a vibrant Source of energy that literally enlivens us. We become more open, more present, more engaged than ever before. We become better parents and siblings, friends and co-workers because we sparkle and shine. We experience gratitude for the profound pleasure of being alive with the freedom to follow our hearts. And as we give ourselves to our longings, they begin to grow and evolve, leading us step by step to their highest expression.

I'm reminded of my coach, Tama Kieves, who - despite graduating with honors from Harvard Law School and beginning her career as an attorney on the fast track at a prestigious law firm - wanted to write poetry. Longed to write poetry. That's all she knew, at first. And so she did. She carved time and space into her life to follow her longings. And guess where they led? To a thriving career as a best-selling author, teacher and coach, one whose writing is so lyrical and inspiring and passionate you might be tempted to call it...poetry. She is a poet, and she is so much more. And her writing and teaching are a great gift to all of us.

Which brings us back to what the world needs, and a wonderful quote from Harold Whitman:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. Then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

I know this to be true. I've experienced it first-hand and have witnessed it in others. Yet still the doubts come, as they did not too long ago. So I pulled out my journal to have a conversation with myself. I invited my doubts to unload their heavy cargo into the patient and waiting arms of my wiser Self. My doubts whimpered, "What is the point of working so hard to put these teachings out in the world, when Tama Kieves and Deepak Chopra and Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle and so many others have already done so, and brilliantly? Am I just wasting my time? Should I be getting out into the world and helping in some more direct way?"

I paused. I took several deep breaths and intentionally reached for the highest and deepest wisdom I could hold. I picked up the pen and wrote, "Let me remind you that seeking to shift consciousness is the most direct, most powerful way to work toward an enlightened society. Do not be tempted to devalue or abandon the work of your heart which flows so naturally from your longings and gifts; seek instead to elevate and expand its value. And yes, in many ways you and the others are all teaching the same thing. And that is really, really good. You are adding your unique voice to a beautiful chorus, and as the song becomes louder and more vibrant, more people will hear it. Think of it this way: Deepak and Marianne and Tama and the others need and want you to join the chorus! Your energy and passion can only enhance the song and its ability to reach people. You are not in competition with them, you are joining with them to strengthen and expedite the shift in consciousness that is called for."

This is true not just of my work, but of yours. Your soul is longing for ever-greater expressions of creativity, if you will but listen and follow its promptings. Do not be tempted to devalue or abandon the work of your heart which flows so naturally from your longings and gifts; seek instead to elevate and expand its value. Know that even if there are already hundreds or even thousands of other filmmakers, painters or founders of non-profit organizations, you are unique. The message you long to share, which others may indeed already be sharing, flows through you in a distinct way that will resonate with people who have not yet been touched. Or it will touch those who have already been reached in a deeper and more meaningful way. Your voice matters.

So join the chorus of souls who are singing their true song, knowing in their heart of hearts that what the soul longs for is exactly what the world needs. They are one and the same.

Asking the Right Questions

It's a very familiar conversation. I'll be working with a client who currently feels stuck on something, and invariably she will say something like this: "Why do I keep doing this?" (Or its equally popular sister, "Why can't I change this?") She doesn't really say it so much as whine about it. And there's usually an accompanying eye roll, shoulder shrug or perhaps even a large bulging vein in the neck as the question morphs into a demand to know: Why, why, why do I keep doing this??

"This" could be anything from running late to every appointment, to coming close to quitting a job she hates only to talk herself out of it again, to attracting only unavailable men when she's looking for a committed relationship. (As you probably know, there are myriad highly creative ways we can - and do - put up barricades between ourselves and the highest vision we hold for our lives.) Asking why we're doing something that isn't serving us would seem to be a great place to start in taking down that barricade. And it can be - but it usually isn't.

Here's why. First of all, we've asked ourselves that question a million times and usually come up with an exasperated, "I don't know! I just can't figure it out!" But more importantly, the question itself is almost always a veiled form of judgment. Underneath the question is a damning belief that there must be something wrong with us. And so we give up before we even start. After all, if there is something wrong with us, what's the use in trying to change anything? It's clear we don't have what it takes. If we did, this pattern would be gone by now...

But the deeper truth is that, almost always, the patterns in our lives that stand squarely in the way of realizing our souls' longings arise from a vulnerable, fearful place within us. And we must remember that we are more than that place. We have deep-seated fears and habitual ways of covering them up or acting them out, but we aren't those things. We are wiser and stronger and more noble than we can even imagine when we're cramped with fear, and asking the right questions is like throwing the door of that tiny space wide open and walking outside where we can see clearly in the bright light of day. The right questions can give us access to our true wisdom and our deepest motivation for change.

Although I'm  not much of a "formula" person, I have learned that the best questions to ask of ourselves, when we're seeking to shift out of a negative pattern, are the ones that begin with what, when, where, how or who. Questions such as...

...What am I gaining by continuing this pattern?
...What am I avoiding by continuing this pattern?
...What am I afraid will happen if this pattern is no longer in my life?
...When did this pattern begin?
...Who might have taught or shown me this pattern? What might their reasons have been?
...Where and when is it most likely to show up?
...How might I begin to shift it?
...What kind of support might I need to make the shift?
...Who might be able to help me with this?

The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the drift. And just as important as asking the right questions is asking them the right way. And by that I mean with great compassion and curiosity, reaching in deep to your heart of hearts. Asking and answering these questions is not a mental exercise in "figuring something out," it is a soulful exploration of your most tender places with an intention for discovery and understanding. Imagine how you might hold a small, trembling child who is trying to tell you what frightened her. You would probe gently, listen intently and offer her a new way of looking at things. You would reassure her that she is safe. You would be kind.

We need to be that kind, that caring and that tender with ourselves when seeking to shift a negative pattern. Trying to bulldoze our way through change with willpower simply won't work, at least not over the long term. That's because in simply forcing ourselves to take different action on the surface of our lives, we overlook the deep inner fear that gave rise to the behavior we wish to change. And that fear will assert itself again, just as soon as our willpower fades and our vulnerability is at risk for exposure.

So we serve ourselves well in learning to meet fear with kindness and understanding - and yes, a firm resolve to stop it from running the show. And the best way to cultivate that kindness and understanding is by listening deeply to ourselves...listening deeply to our answers to the kind of questions that open us to greater self-awareness and self-compassion.

Asking the right questions.

And being willing to answer them honestly.