Asking the Right Questions

It's a very familiar conversation. I'll be working with a client who currently feels stuck on something, and invariably she will say something like this: "Why do I keep doing this?" (Or its equally popular sister, "Why can't I change this?") She doesn't really say it so much as whine about it. And there's usually an accompanying eye roll, shoulder shrug or perhaps even a large bulging vein in the neck as the question morphs into a demand to know: Why, why, why do I keep doing this??

"This" could be anything from running late to every appointment, to coming close to quitting a job she hates only to talk herself out of it again, to attracting only unavailable men when she's looking for a committed relationship. (As you probably know, there are myriad highly creative ways we can - and do - put up barricades between ourselves and the highest vision we hold for our lives.) Asking why we're doing something that isn't serving us would seem to be a great place to start in taking down that barricade. And it can be - but it usually isn't.

Here's why. First of all, we've asked ourselves that question a million times and usually come up with an exasperated, "I don't know! I just can't figure it out!" But more importantly, the question itself is almost always a veiled form of judgment. Underneath the question is a damning belief that there must be something wrong with us. And so we give up before we even start. After all, if there is something wrong with us, what's the use in trying to change anything? It's clear we don't have what it takes. If we did, this pattern would be gone by now...

But the deeper truth is that, almost always, the patterns in our lives that stand squarely in the way of realizing our souls' longings arise from a vulnerable, fearful place within us. And we must remember that we are more than that place. We have deep-seated fears and habitual ways of covering them up or acting them out, but we aren't those things. We are wiser and stronger and more noble than we can even imagine when we're cramped with fear, and asking the right questions is like throwing the door of that tiny space wide open and walking outside where we can see clearly in the bright light of day. The right questions can give us access to our true wisdom and our deepest motivation for change.

Although I'm  not much of a "formula" person, I have learned that the best questions to ask of ourselves, when we're seeking to shift out of a negative pattern, are the ones that begin with what, when, where, how or who. Questions such as...

...What am I gaining by continuing this pattern?
...What am I avoiding by continuing this pattern?
...What am I afraid will happen if this pattern is no longer in my life?
...When did this pattern begin?
...Who might have taught or shown me this pattern? What might their reasons have been?
...Where and when is it most likely to show up?
...How might I begin to shift it?
...What kind of support might I need to make the shift?
...Who might be able to help me with this?

The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the drift. And just as important as asking the right questions is asking them the right way. And by that I mean with great compassion and curiosity, reaching in deep to your heart of hearts. Asking and answering these questions is not a mental exercise in "figuring something out," it is a soulful exploration of your most tender places with an intention for discovery and understanding. Imagine how you might hold a small, trembling child who is trying to tell you what frightened her. You would probe gently, listen intently and offer her a new way of looking at things. You would reassure her that she is safe. You would be kind.

We need to be that kind, that caring and that tender with ourselves when seeking to shift a negative pattern. Trying to bulldoze our way through change with willpower simply won't work, at least not over the long term. That's because in simply forcing ourselves to take different action on the surface of our lives, we overlook the deep inner fear that gave rise to the behavior we wish to change. And that fear will assert itself again, just as soon as our willpower fades and our vulnerability is at risk for exposure.

So we serve ourselves well in learning to meet fear with kindness and understanding - and yes, a firm resolve to stop it from running the show. And the best way to cultivate that kindness and understanding is by listening deeply to ourselves...listening deeply to our answers to the kind of questions that open us to greater self-awareness and self-compassion.

Asking the right questions.

And being willing to answer them honestly.