Reworking the "Money Equals Security" Equation

Have you ever opened a bank statement and, observing a diminished balance in your savings account from the previous month, felt a pang of fear? (Or maybe even, depending on how low the balance had become, felt assaulted by a full-on, frontal fear attack?) I suspect it’s fairly common during these tumultuous economic times, and it is a distinctly unpleasant experience. At the risk of stating the obvious, that fear arises because of our belief that money equals security. So when we have less of it, we feel less secure.


I know many people might object to my use of the word belief – money does equal security…doesn’t it? It is a fact, not a belief…isn’t it? From a certain perspective it is indeed true, as anyone who has lived without the basic necessities that money can buy would attest. And yet every true spiritual tradition tells us that nothing in the material world can be secured because all form is impermanent; our security lies not in the forms themselves but in our connection to Source, which feeds our creativity in generating the forms we need to sustain and nourish us. It is in cultivating our innate creative potential that we develop the flexibility, resilience and faith that lay the foundation for a different kind of security.

Helping me to see this clearly was a client I worked with recently whom I’ll call Kathy. After devoting several years to mothering her two children full-time, Kathy courageously and creatively navigated an emotionally trying divorce and the concurrent requirement to re-enter the work force. She had to quickly dust off an outdated resume and find paying work outside the home. And she did just that, taking on with great focus and enthusiasm a sales job which was 100% commission-based. In other words, there was no predictable base salary; she was paid only after she closed sales.

During the early years of her return to the workforce she supplemented her small but growing income by pulling money from a little nest egg she had in a savings account. Finally she reached the point where the income she generated from her job covered her monthly expenses, and the withdrawals from her savings account stopped.

Shortly after her monthly income and expenses reached equilibrium – and long after she had acknowledged a secret dream to find work that would be more deeply fulfilling to her – she discovered a training program she was genuinely excited about that would qualify her for the work she wanted. The fee for the program was several thousand dollars, and she hesitated to enroll because of the cost. As we explored her deep feelings and fears about considering this investment, she shared with me that she really didn’t want to touch her nest egg because leaving it intact gave her a feeling of security.

I completely empathize with the association of a tidy sum in a bank account with a feeling of security. But like so many of us, Kathy was confusing “effect” with “cause.” She thought the nest egg gave her security, when in truth it was her inner security that gave her the nest egg. It was her confidence and focus and creativity that was exchanged in the marketplace for cash, and in continually expanding her talent, skill and productivity she expanded the cash flowing into her life.

Now she had an opportunity to invest in her true self, to expand her capacity for giving and creating from the place within her that most wanted to give and to create, and she hesitated because of a misguided belief that money provides security. She temporarily forgot that money has no inherent worth or power; it has only the power we give it, which means that the power is ours to give.

Kathy’s nest egg, while not being the source of her security, was a reflection of her power and creativity. As a form of energy it held the potential to support her ongoing learning and expansion. Yet that potential could be released only through her conscious choice. Money must be put into circulation to release its value; money sitting in a bank account, or stuffed under a mattress, provides no security if we don’t actually exchange it for what we need.

Admittedly the purity of this concept gets a little muddy when we factor in the element of time. Until we are able to instantaneously manifest our desires from the life-giving field of pure potential, as Jesus did in multiplying the loaves and the fishes, we are wise to save money for future needs rather than putting it all into circulation right now. Yet the choice to save money for our future is just that, a conscious choice we have the power to make. And as our present unfolds into our future, we choose when, and how much, to withdraw from our savings. The power is always within us – the power to choose, to direct our energy in the form of money in accordance with our highest intentions.

This may seem like a trivial point, but I see it as fundamental to the shift in perspective that is needed when we seek to live our dreams. If we view money as a source of security, we subtly disempower ourselves. Security is seen as an object outside of us rather than as an innate aspect of our inner creativity and connection to Source. And as we chase that outer symbol of security, we’re more likely to choose work that pays the most, even if it does not provide an opportunity to develop our true passion and talent; we’re also more likely to hold onto money that we’ve accumulated, as Kathy did, rather than invest it in ways that could enrich us on all levels.

So if, like so many of us, you believe that money equals security, how do you begin to shift that belief? Let me be honest – that isn’t the kind of shift that generally happens overnight. Yet the earnest effort to reach for the deeper truth about the nature of security can open us to fresh insights and a greater sense of creative freedom. Here are a few steps you can take right now:

• Be willing to see “money equals security” as a belief, and to consider the possibility that it might confusing or constraining you as you seek to live your dreams.

• In your journal or on a notepad, write “What is the real source of my security?” at the top of a page. Put the pen down, close your eyes and quiet your mind. Consciously let go of any preconceived notions of what the answer might be. Invite Source to fill you with clarity and insight. When you feel at peace, open your eyes, pick up the pen and start writing. See what shows up.

• For the next week pay attention whenever you interact with money in any way – when you purchase something, when you check online to see if your paycheck has been deposited into your checking account, when you open your 401-k statement. Notice what you’re thinking and how you feel. Take notes about what you observe at the end of each day. Then at the end of the week pull out your journal and answer the following questions:

o How would I characterize my current relationship with money?

o Am I earning and spending it in alignment with my highest intentions?

o What change(s) might I make to bring me into greater alignment with my highest intentions?

• If you don’t have a regular spiritual practice already, contemplate deeply your willingness to commit to one. It is only though an intentional connection with Source, and the deeper wisdom that issues from Source, that our deepest needs can be seen and met.

As I said, this shift in perspective doesn’t happen overnight; it takes conscious choice and effort. As does virtually everything in life that is worthwhile. Imagine how you might feel – and how you might live your life – if your inner peace didn’t fluctuate with your bank or portfolio balance. Imagine the clarity, insight and inspiration that could arise from that deep sense of peace. I say that’s a peace worth cultivating. You might even call it…security.

Can Your Soul Help You Make Good Money?

Imagine this bizarre scenario: you’re called upon to represent your cousin Barb in the salary negotiations for her new job, and naturally she wants to make good money. The negotiations are starting right now. And that’s not all: as improbable as the act of negotiating someone else’s salary with virtually no advance notice might be, what makes this scenario even stranger is that Barb is a distant cousin living halfway across the country. You’ve never met her and you don’t know anything about her. And there’s no time to call her for a crash course in Life As Barb.


Somehow you have to decide what “good money” would be for your cousin and do whatever you can think of to get it for her. You’d likely find yourself vacillating between wanting to nail a really big number – to be sure she earns enough to pay for everything she needs – but also wanting the negotiations to go smoothly, which would be easier if you didn’t ask for too much money. (After all, you don’t even know how good she is at what she does.)

A preposterous challenge, don’t you agree?

And yet, if you’ll allow me a big helping of artistic license, many people experience an eerily similar challenge in their own lives – not because they’re asked to represent a cousin whom they’ve never met in salary negotiations, but because they’re deciding what “good money” means for themselves without consulting the one person who really knows: their own best and highest self - the Wise One within, which I think of as the soul.

The soul knows quite a bit about good money – and about living a deeply fulfilled life. And, quite often, the soul’s direction is 180 degrees away from what we’ve been conditioned to believe. We’ve been taught that “good money” is the amount that maximizes what we can get; the soul knows that “good money” supports us in maximizing what we can give.

From spiritual masters to modern studies on happiness and fulfillment in the workplace, we are told that true happiness arises not from making more money than we’ve ever made before, but from serving others in a meaningful way. We experience fulfillment when we know that our contributions matter. We want, simply and deeply, to make a difference.

And of course we want a good home and clothes we enjoy wearing and maybe a really nice beach vacation every year…I’ll get to that in a moment.

Or maybe I can get to that right now.

Because the really cool, holistic and dare I say elegant thing about putting our souls in charge of our money is that our souls align our “gets” with our “gives.” The soul starts with identifying what we most long to heal, create and share – what we deeply want to give ourselves and the world that moves us toward wholeness and the realization of our highest potential – and then discerns what we need to have in order that we may give fully and generously.

I’m thinking now might be the perfect time for an example.

I read an article recently about a woman who grew up on a lake and cultivated a deep and abiding love of the water. She became a boat captain and started her own business taking people on adventurous, aquatic vacations. Over the years she’s observed a shocking amount of garbage swirling in even the remotest areas of the ocean, and has become a tireless advocate for cleaning up our precious seas. She recently started a nonprofit research and education foundation and routinely observes, measures and reports on the levels of garbage in our water, and also promotes new technologies for getting rid of it.

This woman needs a boat.

I, on the other hand, do not need a boat. At one point in my life, back when I was under the hypnotic spell of relentless messages about the “good life” and all it supposedly included, I might have been convinced that having a boat was a great way to reward myself for all the hard work I was putting into climbing the corporate ladder. (A highly unlikely scenario, I’ll be the first to admit, since I can’t even swim. Still, I can distinctly remember being lulled into thinking that having high-status, expensive things equated to having “made it.” Hence my unfortunate decision to buy a car at the age of 21 whose price equaled the annual salary of my first job out of college. I can assure you I never made that mistake again.) I shudder to think of the gross misallocation of time and energy I might have devoted to making the kind of money I’d need to buy a boat.

Which is exactly the point: putting our souls in charge of our money helps us allocate our time and energy wisely. When we start the “good money” conversation by asking what we most long to heal, to create and to give, we are focused in a way that helps us identify our true needs. Our energy is aligned with our highest intentions rather than scattered among countless alternatives that have no real relationship with who we are and what we’re here to give.

And that doesn’t always mean, by the way, that our true needs can or should be met with less money than our false ones. For many people, coming into right relationship with money means they need more of it in order to support their soul’s needs for healing, creating and giving. The key is to consult the inner Wise One to get the real answers.

And that, truthfully, is easier said than done, with the countless voices in our heads giving us all kinds of mixed advice and confusing us with both crippling doubt and ungrounded wishful thinking. It can seem easier just to play by the rules and aim for getting the most money we can as fast as we can, then figure out what to do with it as we go along. The problem with that is it reinforces the false notion that our happiness arises from having rather than giving, and so we increase the likelihood of being unfulfilled.

So where does that leave us? It’s not likely that we can turn around our ingrained habits of earning and spending money overnight, but we can start where we are. Get in the habit of setting aside quiet time for deep inner listening and ask yourself, with sincerity and openness and genuine curiosity, “What is it that I most long to heal, create or share in my life? And what do I need to be supported in that?” Give the exploration plenty of time and space, and feel for a deep sense of “rightness” in the responses. Write them down, and ask the Wise One what step you can take that moves you toward fulfilling those needs. Then take it.

And repeat: keep asking, keep listening, keep stepping forward. I know you’re going to want to figure it all out, already, especially the part about how you’re going to make the money your wise soul has determined you actually need. There are plenty of resources, both inner and outer, to support you in making that happen. But the foundation for that process is holding the intention to put your soul in charge, and to do that you need to actually listen to its voice.

So just start listening.

It's Not About the Money - But It's Not NOT About the Money!

During the tenure of my corporate career, I went from being a young, idealistic girl to a not-so-young and increasingly dismayed woman. Thinking that corporations were in business to provide a service, I was naively shocked to observe, time and again, a relentlessly myopic focus on the bottom line. On making money. And on creating bonus plans that generated payouts for senior executives that could have covered the annual salary of several of the hard-working employees who made it all possible.


It became increasingly, overwhelmingly clear to me that when “making money” becomes the objective, huge distortions are introduced in the process of creating and selling something in the marketplace. Prices are raised disproportionately to value, costs are cut without full consideration of the impact of those choices on employees, the community and the environment, and the focus narrows to a short-term, quarter-to-quarter view that disregards the natural continuum from present to future.

As I wrote in an impassioned letter to the CFO, imploring him to talk some sense into the senior executives, all I could see was a relentless transfer of wealth from the many to the few. It was difficult not to become a little cynical. (Okay, I actually did become a little cynical. Maybe more than a little. And that’s how I knew something had to shift in me, and in my life. But that’s another story.)

Life is not about making money. Life is about life, about living fully into our potential in joyful service to the Whole. And yet in the life we have created, money serves an immensely useful purpose as a medium of exchange. I am forever grateful that I do not have to find farmers and seamstresses who are in need of coaching services so I can barter with them for food and clothing. Whew!

Yet I remain wary of not letting a misplaced desire for money distort my authentic intention to serve others through my work. And this lingering distaste for chasing money and materialism that many of us share can, itself, create distortions. It can distort our healthy appreciation for money. It’s easy to “get” that life isn’t about making money – but it’s harder to grasp how to come into right relationship with this undeniably valuable tool for graceful living.

I know many good-hearted, well-intentioned people – people who are centered in a genuine desire to create valuable products and services that help others – who cling so fervently to “It’s not about the money!” that they’ve forgotten how to allow money into their lives. Having seen, as I did, that putting money first almost always means putting what really matters last, they vow to do it differently. So they decide to turn things around and put money last.

Which almost always means they don’t have enough of it.

It’s common, when observing something that doesn’t work, to assume that its opposite must be the solution. But putting money last isn’t the solution to freeing ourselves from the tyranny of chasing it. In an odd way, it simply creates a different kind of tyranny. Whether we chase money or avoid it, the very charge we have around it reflects what I call an “unholy alliance” between money and power. We keep giving money the power to prioritize our choices, whether we regard it as good or evil. And relating to money as the source of our power is never a healthy choice.

So we need to find a new way of relating to money. Which is a bit more than I can cover in a single blog post! But I’ll continue to share my thoughts about it in future posts. Those of you who know me, know that helping people shift their relationship with money is an integral part of the teaching and coaching work I do. I won’t leave you hanging!

And in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. How would you characterize your relationship with money? Is it healthy? Dysfunctional? Missing in action altogether? Whatever it is, you are not alone. Let’s heal it together.

Embracing Your Inner Procrastinator

A few weeks ago I led a workshop with the same title as this blog post. (I must admit it was a classic example of teaching what we most need to learn.) I’ve had an uneasy relationship with procrastination for years, and decided a while back that it needed a little TLC and probably a fresh insight or two. So I set an intention to learn more about procrastination and practice healthier ways of relating to it.


And I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve made tremendous progress! (Although I’m still working out some kinks, as you might guess from the length of time that has passed since my last blog update…)

In this post I want to share with you a little of what I’ve learned that has helped me – and my clients – the most. If you’ve ever struggled with procrastination, and the damning self-judgment that almost always accompanies it, a small but profound change in perspective could make all the difference for you. And I sincerely hope it does. So…here goes!

First I want to emphasize the need to use both tenderness and humor as you explore why you put things off. Procrastination is not a character flaw! It is a signal to get curious, to treat yourself with great respect and compassion, and to experiment with new ways of thinking and acting. It is not an invitation to judge yourself as severely lacking in some critical ingredient for success.

I know how easy it is to feel immensely frustrated with a tendency to procrastinate, and that frustration quickly morphs into self-judgment. But the simple truth is, self-judgment doesn’t work. Often our inner procrastinator is a bit of a rebel, and we can’t heal rebellion by heaping more judgment on it – judgment only increases the tendency to rebel. So I hereby request that you firmly set aside any judgment about procrastination. Just do it.

Now let’s start with the basics. Procrastination is generally either fear-based resistance…or love-based inner guidance. (Don’t you feel better already, just knowing that love could be in the mix?) And here’s the really good news: sometimes procrastination isn’t procrastination at all! It is simply the rhythm of our creative process, the ebb and flow of how we get things done.

So the first question to ask yourself is: am I really procrastinating? Or am I ultimately getting done what I want to get done, in its own perfect time? Imagine nothing else changing about how you do things except your inner monologue about how lazy you are and how you should be doing them sooner or faster. Can you imagine how free you would feel without that haranguing hawk of a judge inside you? You would feel wonderful.

Step back and take the long view. See if this thing you’re calling procrastination could be the incubation period of your creative process. See how the apparent delays may actually be serving your artistic need for exploration, rumination and fertilization. (Or much-needed rest.) See if you’re actually getting done what you want to get done, even if the timetable is a bit different than your inner control freak might dictate. Be willing to see it this way, and then see how you feel.

Of course, sometimes we really are putting things off that we think need to be done; we’re not creating, we’re avoiding. But before jumping back onto the self-judgment bandwagon, consider the possibility that dragging your feet is a form of inner guidance. Maybe this thing you’re avoiding doesn’t really need to get done, or maybe it doesn’t need to get done right how.

So the next question to ask yourself is: Am I avoiding something I truly want to do or have done, or something I think I should want? Is this really mine to do? I could give you several really juicy examples of people who have dared to ask themselves this question, and realized their so-called procrastination was really a form of inner guidance helping them stay on track with their true priorities. But in the interest of keeping this post from expanding into a novella, I won’t. Still, I hope you will ask this question seriously of yourself. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Okay, now let’s dive into the deep end of what most of us mean when we say we procrastinate: we’re putting off something we really do want to do or have done. Something that is truly ours to do. Yet we resist doing it…and then we berate ourselves for that.

This is where the tenderness comes in, because that kind of procrastination isn’t helpful guidance. It’s fear masquerading as resistance and justification (e.g., “I don’t feel like it right now…” or “I really don’t have the time…”). And if we can recognize the fear, we can bring compassion rather than judgment to the process. We can talk and coax ourselves into a more supportive mindset, as we might a frightened child (the part of us who is generally running the show at times like these). We can nudge ourselves lovingly into a little forward motion.

So when we’re avoiding doing what we truly want to do, we start by quietly asking: Why am I procrastinating? If I set aside all justifications and judgments, what am I afraid of? What am I afraid I’ll discover about myself?

(Quick tip: if your first answer is “Because I’m lazy” – or something equally damning - remember that’s a judgment and not at all helpful.)

Look firmly and gently for the specific fear underneath the resistance.

…”I’m afraid that even if I do it, then…”

…”I’m afraid I’m just no good at it…”

…”I’m afraid I have nothing useful to say…”

Once you’ve named your fear, bring your loving curiosity and a sincere willingness to see things differently to the table. Ask the following questions:

With respect to what I’m afraid of…

…is it really true?

…is it possible it’s not true?

…what else might be true that is even more relevant and helpful?

…what kind of support might I need to move through this?

All of these questions are useful. Sometimes just taking the time to ask what we’re afraid of, to write down our honest answer and then ask, “Is this really true?” is enough to dissolve the fear. We see clearly, once it’s stated in plain English, that what we believe to be true is only a childish fear. It is not true. And we can let it go.

Other times it’s not so easy dissolve a fear, and those times are when the question about what else might be true is particularly powerful. It calls us to reach for a deeper truth, one that is more empowering and kind.

For example, I may keep putting off writing because I’m afraid I’m just not that good at it, so why bother? Actually, I’m not just afraid I may not be good at it, I’m convinced that I’m not; but if I get quiet and ask myself what else might be true, I discover that I’m willing to get good at it, and that mastery doesn’t happen overnight. I remember that I have the passion and the willingness to keep practicing. And I remember that “being good at it” is highly subjective, and compared to how I was just a few short years ago, I’m pretty darned good. And resting in those deeper truths, I find my willingness to practice again.

It’s also a good idea to create a powerful affirmation of your deeper truth, one that is clear and inspiring. Mine could be, “I have what it takes to be a good writer!” or “My passion and willingness to practice writing are taking me where I want to go.” And once you’ve created your power statement, call on it repeatedly when that old familiar resistance shows up. Just take a deep breath, place a loving arm across the shoulders of your frightened inner child, and remind her of what is really true.

Uncovering your specific fears and creating powerful statements of deeper truth is one simple and effective way to support yourself in this process. Other ways include…

…Writing about why you want what you want, to get deeply connected to the satisfaction or fulfillment you long for, which is inherently motivating.

…Taking the tiniest, babiest steps you can think of – and celebrating each one as the victory that it is.

…Enlisting the support of a partner or coach.

There are undoubtedly countless other ways to stay supported and inspired. The important point is to recognize that you are deserving of that support, and to actively create it. And don’t forget, there is simply no room for judgment in this healing process. As my coach once said to me, in the words that have helped me time and time again, “You’re just going to have to love yourself through this.”

So love yourself through it. And take all the time you need.

Please be sure to visit my website for information on classes, workshops and private coaching.

Tell The Truth About Your Life

I've had more than a few conversations recently about the wild swings and ongoing uncertainty in our economy. Even as many of us are feeling a new surge of grounded optimism, we can't help but notice the chaos and ugliness in the world around us. Should we be happy or worried? Should we take new risks or hunker down and hope the ill winds don't blow in our direction? Should we upgrade our crumbling kitchen or sell the house and move to the Cayman Islands? Should we trust our accountant or our inner voice?

Helping clients grapple with questions like these is what prompted me to write my first book in 2009, so I decided to share a chapter from it in this blog post, just to give you a little taste. The title of the book is 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy), and I invite you to visit my website to learn more (http://www.mysolidground.com/) or use the above link to go to Amazon.com and see all the wonderful reviews! I'm honored by the positive feedback I've received about the book so far, and would be delighted for you to check it out, if you haven't already.

And by the way, although the economic downturn was my catalyst for writing the guide, it is intended to be a loving support during any period of uncertainty or transition in your life. So whether you're feeling a little wobbly because of the economy, or sensing a longing and readiness to create a bigger life, this book can help. I wrote it and offer it from my heart, and hope you will receive it with yours.

And now without further ado, here is Chapter 4 from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy). Enjoy!

Tell The Truth About Your Life

When everything is working according to plan, we fall into the mindset, patterns and routines that keep the plan in place. We go about our lives, executing tasks and checking things off our to-do lists. We get things done and keep going, without question, because there is a certain sense of security in knowing what to do, how to do it and when to do it. But when these patterns and plans begin to crumble, we recognize that what we thought was security was only predictability – a numbing sameness that seduced us through mere repetition. It felt like something we could count on. Until, suddenly, we couldn’t.


Now is the perfect time to pause – since you don’t know what to do, anyway – and look with fresh eyes at the life you’ve been living. What’s really working here? What isn’t? How are you feeling? What are you tired of? What do you need? What is your soul longing to be, do, create or experience? What are you, finally, ready to acknowledge? What kind of life do you want to live?

These are the unanswered questions that await you in the void, and it’s only when you let go of knowing how your life is supposed to go that you can begin to see how your life wants to go. Since you’re just floating about anyway, why not take advantage of this freed-up perspective to look at your life with loving curiosity? What might you be ready to release or stop doing? What is itching to emerge? Who have you become, and who do you want to be?

Keep asking, and be willing to answer truthfully. There is no need to posture, defend or justify. Just tell it like it is, with as much compassion, humor and perspective as you can muster. Maybe now is the time to admit, finally, that you’re in the wrong job, and all the energy you’ve poured into convincing yourself otherwise has depleted you. (You might even be secretly hoping to get laid off.) Or maybe you can finally see that you’re in the perfect job, even though it’s not as glamorous as the one you thought you should have, and it needs more of your focused energy and attention than you’ve been giving it. Maybe now you’re ready to take that course you’ve wanted to take for so long. Maybe now is the time to look at those credit card statements and see if all that stuff you bought is really making you happy. Maybe now is the time to tell the truth – the whole truth – about your life.

This isn’t easy to do. You might twist and squirm a little, trying to avoid naming your truth. You might even feel like a failure or sell-out for having ignored it all this time, and so you keep trying to pretend that maybe it isn’t really your truth, after all. Maybe this lifeless path is as good as it gets, and your task is to stay the course and talk loudly so you can’t hear the distracting murmurings of your soul.

But here is the beauty of this chaotic time: as the path you’ve been walking literally dissolves beneath your feet, you’re given a sort of “life amnesty,” an opportunity to come clean with yourself. There is no penalty for admitting that you’ve been heading in the wrong direction. You got a little lost, that’s all, and now you’re ready and willing to find your way back home. You’re ready to acknowledge your truth and let it light your way, step by step.

excerpted from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (copyright 2009, Suzanne E. Eder)

Let's Not Be Selfish

The scene is a familiar one. I’m sitting across from a client as we explore possibilities for getting her dreams out into the world. She tells me, hesitantly and almost dismissively, about an experience or two she had, times when she dared to share her talent and genius with someone else. And the “someone else” was blown away, deeply moved or inspired or in some way helped by my client’s brilliance. But before I can jump into the story with her and ask her to tell me more, to share with me how it felt, to consider where that kind of energy might lead, she stops cold.


And she says something along the lines of, “But that was so long ago.” Or, “I think that was beginner’s luck.” Or, “I just don’t have what it takes to really build something with that.” Or the ever-popular, “But that won’t make me any money.”

Instant possibility-killers.

And that’s not the worst of it. What I’ve come to appreciate, more deeply than ever before, is that our habitual tendency to dismiss our talent - and our longings to share it with others – is just plain selfish. And I don’t mean the “good” kind of selfish that arises from love and reflects a healthy desire to nourish ourselves. I mean the petty, whiny, self-indulgent kind of selfish that arises from fear and reflects the inner admonition to keep ourselves small.

When we hold our talent in, we withhold it from the world. We deprive others of the wisdom and inspiration and beauty and playfulness and knowledge and support and fantasy and warmth and dazzling insights that we have to share, if only we would. And without those things, the world is a dimmer place. It lacks a certain vibrancy. It is in a fundamental sense incomplete, as the very contributions needed from us to make it whole are missing.

And all because we’ve decided we’re somehow not good enough. We think we’re sparing the world our ineptness, when in fact we’re depriving it of our greatness. And we’re depriving ourselves of the immense joy and generosity and aliveness we could feel if we celebrated and surrendered to our innate creative genius.

That’s a lot to deprive ourselves of. That’s a lot to deprive the world of. And that’s why I call it selfish.

I’m not trying to play the guilt card here. But sometimes we need a little shake to wake us up to a deeper truth. And the deeper truth here is that what we most long to create or give is what the world most needs from us. It’s an elegantly designed system that can function beautifully if we all do our part. And our part is to recognize, honor and empower our deepest longings and talents.

I know, I know, you may not know where or how to begin. You may be living such a crazy-busy life that cultivating a talent or two seems overwhelming. You may have convinced yourself that you really can’t make any money at what you love so why bother? I’m telling you, firmly and clearly, to set all of that aside. None of it matters. What matters is that you are fully alive and that you are giving the best of what you have to give to yourself and others.

Here are a couple of things I’ve learned that may help you get started - or stay committed – to living your dreams:

• Joy and passion are their own reasons for being. They do not need to be justified or to create specific results in order to “count.” Every moment you open to the life force of creative energy within you is a moment that counts. Every time you open the laptop and write, or pull out the sketchpad and doodle, or take your children on an adventure that delighted you to plan, or sing out loud because you feel so alive when you sing, or teach a friend how to play bridge, or practice with love and dedication that new piano arrangement you want to learn – every time you immerse yourself in your most cherished talents and longings is a moment fulfilled. Give yourself more of them.

• The real treasure in committing to honoring your dreams is in who you become. You grow into a person of immense courage and integrity and generosity, a person who loves life and loves herself and illuminates for the world what a love-filled life is like. You grow into someone you respect, and someone other people want to be around. You grow into who you were meant to be.

• Don’t make it about money, at least not right away. I’m a huge proponent of challenging our beliefs about what has value and what can be exchanged for money in the marketplace, but if we demand too soon of our talent that it covers all the bills, we strangle that very talent with our rigid expectations and subterranean fears of not having enough. Create space in your life to nurture your talent and let it build its own momentum and direction. Practice appreciating your talent and your self each step of the way, for it is only through loving appreciation that our talent can grow and flourish. And when the time is right to offer our creations and services in the marketplace, we’ll be fortified with the inner certainty that what we’re offering has value.

Okay, I think that's enough for now. Are you with me? I hope so…I love good company! And even if you have to take it on faith, know that you really can do this. Actually, only you can do this…this, that you most want to do. Decide that who you are and what you have to give really matters. (Because it does.) Dare to make your dreams a priority in your life, right now. Lavish your talents with dedication and appreciation. Relish them and look for opportunities to share them with others. Please, do it.

Because to do anything less is just plain selfish.

Putting Our Souls in Charge of Our Commitments

I had the pleasure last weekend of meeting a local author whose book, The Practicing Mind, is one of the top sellers on Amazon.com. Tom Sterner was the featured speaker at a local spiritual center where I was promoting an upcoming workshop. I loved his talk and so hurried to buy his book after the service.


Having just finished reading it, I feel confident in recommending The Practicing Mind as a powerful manifesto for developing focus and discipline as a path to inner peace. Tom’s writing is clear and thoughtful and his guidance is eminently practical. As synchronicity would have it, the timing of the book showing up in my life is quite perfect, as I’ve committed to increasing my own levels of focus and discipline this year in the areas that really matter to me.

And I got another surprising benefit from Tom’s book – the impulse to write this blog post, inspired by a story he shares in an early chapter. He tells us about the decision he made at a certain point in his life to take up golf. He chose to honor and support this newfound commitment with golf lessons, which he approached with great dedication. It was immediately clear that the students in the class who practiced regularly made significantly more progress than those who did not.

One of the students whose skill did not progress was a woman who had signed up for golf lessons because she was in the corporate world and felt that playing a decent game of golf would further her career; she would be able to participate in the strategic planning conversations and spontaneous brainstorming meetings that arose regularly on the golf course. Now let me be clear about the fact that I have no idea who this woman was, or anything at all about her inner life. But Tom’s description of her reminded me of many people I’d met in my own corporate career who pursued golf for just that reason. And I remembered the pressure I’d felt to do the same.

While Tom made the valid point that committed practice would have yielded better results for her (and the also valid point that most of us don’t really know how to approach practice as anything other than a chore, thereby depriving ourselves of an opportunity to surrender to the process and the moment), I saw something else in the story. I was reminded of how essential it is to choose our commitments based on what we are truly called to do – not because we’ll possibly advance our career, but because the very doing of it expresses, in some fundamental way, who we are.

I’ve seen time and again that what creates true fulfillment in life is what we create, give and experience that arises from our strengths and passions. We naturally serve others in bringing forth the brilliance within us. But so often we make commitments based on what we think we should do to get ahead, leaving our deeply held longings in the dust of our hurried race to the future.

I can remember thinking years ago, with heavy resignation, that I should learn to play golf. Everyone who was at the highest levels of the company played golf; it seemed to be a requirement for making it to the top. Yet golf had no inherent appeal to me, and the one time I tried it I was miserable. I’m sure if I was skilled at it – a skill requiring committed practice – I would have enjoyed it more. But without the inner desire to experience myself as a golfer, I had no willingness at all to practice. None. I could have tried forcing myself to just do it, but I did not.

Thank God. Because that would have been a complete waste of my talents and skills and natural desire to help others through my teaching and writing. Learning to play golf in a misguided attempt to further my career would have been a choice arising from my ego’s need to fit in and prove that I was a team player worthy of greater titles and benefits. It would have been false, soul-denying and inherently depleting. I might have become an adequate golfer, but I wouldn’t have become who I am deeply called to be.

I agree wholeheartedly with Tom that a devotion to practice is essential for living a rich and fulfilled life, whether we’re practicing golf or meditation or writing or changing how we think about things. But we need to choose what we’re practicing wisely. And that’s why learning to recognize the inner voice of our soul is so important, because the soul’s longings point us unfailingly toward our highest potential and deepest satisfaction. That’s their purpose. Our authentic longings are deep and penetrating. They’re an ever-renewing energy source that powers our ongoing devotion to practicing whatever we need to practice to become our highest and best selves.

My soul's longings to teach and write and discover the deepeset truth of who I am keep me focused in a way that merely deciding to do something does not. They are patient and yet lovingly relentless, reminding me again and again to reorder my priorities to align with them. And when I do, I experience myself as clear and powerful and worthy. Life becomes lighter and yet more purposeful at the same time. Our longings are the gateway to our genius, calling us to try, to explore, to cultivate, to practice. And practice becomes the path of inevitable growth and expansion into the person we wish to become.

So let’s dare to put our souls in charge of our commitments. And then let’s really commit, full out, with the loving devotion our souls dearly deserve.