The other day I was on the phone with a client and the subject of our world’s ongoing economic and financial crisis came up. She told me that a friend of hers had called her, in panic, after last Friday’s precipitous plunge in stock prices. The value of her 401-k account had dropped by a substantial amount and she was awash in fear about her future.
I suspect she was not alone.
Fear is a near-constant companion to many people these days. It’s virtually impossible to stay even remotely connected with current events and not feel a sense of frustration, foreboding or out-and-out panic. And yet, as normal a reaction as fear might be, it is remarkably unhelpful.
I’ve written about this before – in fact, it was the financial market collapse in the fall of 2008 that prompted me to pen my first book, “10 Ways to Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When the World Has Gone a Little Crazy.” But I don’t think the message can be repeated too often, since it’s one that is vitally needed and yet so difficult to embrace. And the message I’m talking about is this: fear cannot solve problems, it can only create them. Every time we allow fear to distort our minds and close our hearts, we move further and further away from the fresh insights that can yield solutions to our challenges. And we move further and further away from the peaceful minds that can create a world where fear does not rule.
And let’s be very clear that, at its core, this crisis is fueled by fear and all of its offspring – competition, greed, denial, gross materialism, the objectification and worship of money, making ourselves right and others wrong... the outgrowths of fear are many and varied. They are also deeply entrenched in our consciousness (and, apparently, in our Congress). And no wonder - our entire economic system is, in a real sense, grounded in fear: the fear of “not enough.” The allocation of scarce resources is the very definition of economics, and “scarce” is but a stone’s throw away from “not enough.” And “not enough” is scary.
Of course any given physical resource is ultimately scarce in that there is a finite amount of it currently available. Yet by focusing only on the scarcity of our material or even human resources – and by failing to perceive the great wealth of our intangible resources, and how they can often meet our true needs without resorting to pillaging our planet - we see a finite number of those resources; we see limitation. Limitation breeds fear of not getting or having enough, and so the scramble to get our share, to get more, begins. Yet in this zero-sum reality that we’ve created, more can only be had at someone else’s expense.
And this fear of “not enough” goes far deeper than our economic theories and policies. It lies at the core of our consciousness: we misperceive ourselves to be separate from each other, from nature, from God or Source or however you name the Life Principle. And that fundamental misperception of our separateness gives rise to an existential fear of aloneness and “not enough-ness.” We may not always be aware of that fear, but we’ve been conditioned by it for so long that it profoundly influences our beliefs, thoughts and actions. It shapes the world we live in.
And I think most of us would agree that the world we live in is in a bit of a shambles.
Which brings me back to the basic message that got me started: Fear got us into this mess; it certainly cannot get us out. The much-repeated Einstein quote is particularly clear on this point: We cannot solve a problem at the level of consciousness that created it. We must lift ourselves out of fear and look at ourselves, and our lives, through new eyes.
But how, exactly, are we to do that? First and foremost, I think we start by being willing to see the truth that fear is making our challenges worse, not better. In these uncertain times we have a responsibility to connect with our innate goodness and creativity and clarity of thinking, and that means we have a responsibility to navigate through fear rather than cave into it. And in the absence of being able to wave a magic wand to make the fear go away, I’d like to suggest some things that can help us on that journey. I’m not offering solutions to our economic crisis. I’m offering ways we can each get our heads above the deep waters of fear so we can breathe, see and think more clearly. So we can find solutions together.
But before I do, let me say that the ways I’m suggesting are simple, and I’m writing them with a light hand. That’s part of the method behind my seeming madness: to bring lightness into a subject that is heavy and laden with fear.
But please do not mistake lightness for inconsequentiality. Just as every choice you make to put down the fork if you’re no longer hungry, when you’re holding an intention to eat mindfully, counts – so does every choice you make to connect with love rather than fear. Every choice, small and large, counts. And with that brief reminder – here are my suggestions for navigating through fear without caving into it:
• Breathe. Deeply and often.
• Get on the floor. No, really. When panic or anxiety begins to make its presence known, it creates a real felt-sense of being ungrounded. So get grounded. And breathe while you’re down there.
• Take a look at your fears. Right in the eye. Put pen to paper (or fingertips to keypad) and write down everything you’re afraid might happen. Just start with, “I’m afraid that…” and make a list. It might include things such as, “I’ll never be able to retire.” “I’ll end up on the streets.” “I’ll get sick and won’t be able to afford health insurance.” Get it all down. (You might feel better already, getting them out of your head and onto paper.) Now challenge each and every one. Ask questions about them such as:
o Is this really true?
o Can I know for certain this will happen?
o What else might be true or possible?
o What resources do I have to deal with this uncertainty, tangible and intangible?
o Do I really want to dwell on this thought? Is it serving me in any way?
• Breathe deeply again. Notice that your heart, your creativity, your humor, your friends and family, your intelligence and resilience are far stronger than your fear. Now burn the list of fears.
• Deepen your connection with your own heart of hearts, and with whatever you know as Source or God or the Life Principle. Spend quiet time in nature, contemplating the enormity and magnificence of the Universe and Life’s insistence on living. Think of grass pushing its way through those tiny cracks in the cement. Think of the Berlin wall falling and communism crumbling in the former Soviet Union. Think of stars and babies being born, day in and day out. Think of your cat purring in your lap.
• Smile.
• Call people you love. Get together with like-minded others and brainstorm – no, heartstorm – possible ways to deal with the challenges you are facing.
• Breathe. Deeply and often.
I realized as I began writing this list that it could go on and on and on; I’ve barely scratched the surface. And that’s a very good thing. Just remembering things I’ve done that have helped me shift from fear to love made me feel lighter with each keystroke. I hope reading them has had the same effect on you. And I hope you’re inspired to create your own list of ways to navigate fear – and that you actually do them. Remember, fear cannot solve problems, it can only create them.
Let me close with a quote from Julia Cameron which, itself, has helped me during times of great fear. You might want to add it to your list:
“There is no circumstance immune to the power of love.”
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Could Staying in a Job You Hate Be Your Path to Freedom?
Years ago a country song came out with the title, “Take This Job and Shove It!” It seemed to get a lot of airtime – no doubt because many people held a secret fantasy of saying that very thing to their bosses and then walking triumphantly out of the workplace and into their new, wide-open life. A life of freedom. Ah, wouldn’t that feel good?
So it would seem. And in fact, it might actually feel good for a while. Yet if true peace of mind and a sense of freedom are what we want, walking rebelliously away from an undesirable work situation probably won’t give us access to that. And not just because we may have burned a bridge or two by speaking rudely and failing to give proper notice. I’m not talking about the need to extend professional courtesy so that people will still like us enough to refrain from passing along bad references. I’m talking about reclaiming a deep inner sense of our freedom to choose.
Now that’s freedom.
You might be thinking something along the lines of, “But that’s what the guy in the song did – he chose to leave that crummy old job!” And yes, on the surface he did execute his right to choose: he chose to leave. He physically walked out the door. But as the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.” You can change physical location without changing your internal experience of life and “how the world works.” If you walk away from something still harboring resentment toward it for making you miserable, you’re taking that resentment with you. Not to mention the tendency toward resentment, period.
Which isn’t exactly freeing.
A long time ago I heard the phrase, “You can’t really leave something until you love it.” It was just illogical and jarring enough to get my attention. Even though it didn’t make sense to my analytical mind, it somehow made sense to a deeper part of me that recognized it as true without fully understanding it. Since then I’ve had plenty of opportunity to explore it in depth. (And I expect I’ll have plenty more). Here is the crib notes version of what I’ve learned:
The “love” referred to in the phrase isn’t the gooey, sentimental love we associate with, say, Valentine’s Day. Nor is it the protective love a mother feels for her child. It isn’t even the kind regard we may have for a favorite teacher, or the preference we have for milk chocolate rather than dark chocolate. The love spoken of us here is, in a word, acceptance. You cannot leave something until you accept it. (And by the way, you don’t have to like it. You just need to release your attachment to not liking it.)
I like to think of this in terms of energy. Consider the energy of blame, judgment and resentment. Pause and really contemplate how they feel in your body and in your mind. It doesn’t take long to recognize that the energy of judgment and blame is constrictive; it literally tenses us up and closes us down, preventing a full flow of energy in and through our body-mind system. This is the opposite of free. When we are holding judgment we are holding ourselves apart from the creative life force that opens us to the solutions and experiences we are seeking. Which I’ve learned not only from my training and education, but from personal experience.
I remember when I was in the corporate world, I often felt resentment toward the senior executives for making what I felt were truly dreadful decisions. From my perspective they were myopically focused on the bottom line, and the share price, to the detriment of virtually every constituent in the business. I could probably convince you that my point of view was valid; I could offer evidence of their greed and short-sightedness and preoccupation with their annual bonuses. My ego would delight in convincing you of my rightness, and together we could rail against the gross distortions that a relentless pursuit of profit has, not only on our economy, but on our planet’s very ability to sustain life. I certainly wouldn’t be the first to make that point.
But here’s the point I want to make now: railing against something doesn’t actually change it. It only changes us, making us bitter and angry and resigned. In my own experience, it wasn’t until I stopped criticizing senior management and started realizing that this is how things are, that my attention was freed to look more deeply into myself. Instead of thinking, “It shouldn’t be this way!” I could ask, “Given that things are this way right now, what is mine to do?”
In looking inward rather than outward, I rediscovered a deep desire to heal and to teach. And while I tinkered with the idea of bringing healing, in some form, to corporate America, I ultimately chose to honor my heartfelt desire to work directly with women who were struggling, as I had struggled, to find my authentic path. Another person, after giving herself permission to take a time-out from complaining and seek a deeper truth, might discover a real passion for transforming the world of work. Rather than leaving, as I did, she may find a renewed commitment to staying for the purpose of leading real, positive change.
By pausing to step back from our judgments and complaints, we create space. We open ourselves to fresh insights and deeper truths. I’m not saying that what we’re observing, which gives rise to our resentment, isn’t true at a certain level; it’s just that dwelling in resentment itself prevents us from seeing the whole of the situation, our part in it – and our path forward. Acceptance is the only way to access that path.
So where does that leave you, if you dread getting out of bed each morning and count the minutes until Friday at 5:00 p.m.? Am I suggesting that you find a way to like where you are and get over yourself, already? Not at all. But I am suggesting that, before you leave as an act of desperation or revenge – or perhaps even worse, before you resign yourself to a lifeless career devoid of soul nourishment – stop. Take a nice, deep breath. And another. And another.
Set an intention to reach a place of acceptance (not resignation) with the job as it is right now. Get out a piece of paper and write down everything you hate about it. Let yourself feel what you feel without fanning the flames of criticism and resentment. Allow your emotional reaction to wash over you like the tide. And when it recedes, rewrite what you wrote in the language of neutrality: state what is without excessive value judgments. Here are a few examples:
Original complaint: “My boss is an ego-manic!”
Neutral observation: “My boss consistently makes choices based on how they will further her career, without seeming to consider their impact on others.”
Original complaint: “My boss micro-manages everything and it’s driving me crazy. She doesn’t trust me to do things right.”
Neutral observation: “My boss involves herself in virtually everything I do, giving me detailed instructions. She rarely accepts my ideas for doing things differently.”
Original complaint: “This company treats its employees like children!”
Neutral observation: “This company has policies and procedures for so many things, there is almost no room for creativity.”
I think you get the idea. Do your best to strip away character judgments and assumptions about the other person’s intentions; focus on what you can observe. And yes, your observations may include valid intuitive perceptions about underlying motivations – especially those that don’t align with your values. But suspend any tendency to make other people “wrong” or “bad” for acting in what you consider such a misguided way. Be as truthful as you can; don’t exaggerate the company’s ineptitude or your own angelic qualities.
When you’re finished, pause. Let things settle. Then ask yourself, “Given that this is so, what is mine to do?” Don’t rush to find an immediate answer. Give yourself time to meditate, to contemplate , to journal. Ask yourself, “How has this job served me? What qualities is it helping me cultivate? What is it showing me about myself that I most need to see and understand?” Again, don’t answer these questions the way you would check items off your to-do list. Really go deep within yourself, to your heart of hearts, and listen for the answers.
If you do this with sincerity, something will shift within you. It may not be huge, but it will be an opening into which new life can breathe. And then expand. Keep holding the intention for acceptance, until you can say with peaceful certainty, “Now is the time to leave,” or “I choose to stay here for now.”
And just notice how free you feel inside.
So it would seem. And in fact, it might actually feel good for a while. Yet if true peace of mind and a sense of freedom are what we want, walking rebelliously away from an undesirable work situation probably won’t give us access to that. And not just because we may have burned a bridge or two by speaking rudely and failing to give proper notice. I’m not talking about the need to extend professional courtesy so that people will still like us enough to refrain from passing along bad references. I’m talking about reclaiming a deep inner sense of our freedom to choose.
Now that’s freedom.
You might be thinking something along the lines of, “But that’s what the guy in the song did – he chose to leave that crummy old job!” And yes, on the surface he did execute his right to choose: he chose to leave. He physically walked out the door. But as the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.” You can change physical location without changing your internal experience of life and “how the world works.” If you walk away from something still harboring resentment toward it for making you miserable, you’re taking that resentment with you. Not to mention the tendency toward resentment, period.
Which isn’t exactly freeing.
A long time ago I heard the phrase, “You can’t really leave something until you love it.” It was just illogical and jarring enough to get my attention. Even though it didn’t make sense to my analytical mind, it somehow made sense to a deeper part of me that recognized it as true without fully understanding it. Since then I’ve had plenty of opportunity to explore it in depth. (And I expect I’ll have plenty more). Here is the crib notes version of what I’ve learned:
The “love” referred to in the phrase isn’t the gooey, sentimental love we associate with, say, Valentine’s Day. Nor is it the protective love a mother feels for her child. It isn’t even the kind regard we may have for a favorite teacher, or the preference we have for milk chocolate rather than dark chocolate. The love spoken of us here is, in a word, acceptance. You cannot leave something until you accept it. (And by the way, you don’t have to like it. You just need to release your attachment to not liking it.)
I like to think of this in terms of energy. Consider the energy of blame, judgment and resentment. Pause and really contemplate how they feel in your body and in your mind. It doesn’t take long to recognize that the energy of judgment and blame is constrictive; it literally tenses us up and closes us down, preventing a full flow of energy in and through our body-mind system. This is the opposite of free. When we are holding judgment we are holding ourselves apart from the creative life force that opens us to the solutions and experiences we are seeking. Which I’ve learned not only from my training and education, but from personal experience.
I remember when I was in the corporate world, I often felt resentment toward the senior executives for making what I felt were truly dreadful decisions. From my perspective they were myopically focused on the bottom line, and the share price, to the detriment of virtually every constituent in the business. I could probably convince you that my point of view was valid; I could offer evidence of their greed and short-sightedness and preoccupation with their annual bonuses. My ego would delight in convincing you of my rightness, and together we could rail against the gross distortions that a relentless pursuit of profit has, not only on our economy, but on our planet’s very ability to sustain life. I certainly wouldn’t be the first to make that point.
But here’s the point I want to make now: railing against something doesn’t actually change it. It only changes us, making us bitter and angry and resigned. In my own experience, it wasn’t until I stopped criticizing senior management and started realizing that this is how things are, that my attention was freed to look more deeply into myself. Instead of thinking, “It shouldn’t be this way!” I could ask, “Given that things are this way right now, what is mine to do?”
In looking inward rather than outward, I rediscovered a deep desire to heal and to teach. And while I tinkered with the idea of bringing healing, in some form, to corporate America, I ultimately chose to honor my heartfelt desire to work directly with women who were struggling, as I had struggled, to find my authentic path. Another person, after giving herself permission to take a time-out from complaining and seek a deeper truth, might discover a real passion for transforming the world of work. Rather than leaving, as I did, she may find a renewed commitment to staying for the purpose of leading real, positive change.
By pausing to step back from our judgments and complaints, we create space. We open ourselves to fresh insights and deeper truths. I’m not saying that what we’re observing, which gives rise to our resentment, isn’t true at a certain level; it’s just that dwelling in resentment itself prevents us from seeing the whole of the situation, our part in it – and our path forward. Acceptance is the only way to access that path.
So where does that leave you, if you dread getting out of bed each morning and count the minutes until Friday at 5:00 p.m.? Am I suggesting that you find a way to like where you are and get over yourself, already? Not at all. But I am suggesting that, before you leave as an act of desperation or revenge – or perhaps even worse, before you resign yourself to a lifeless career devoid of soul nourishment – stop. Take a nice, deep breath. And another. And another.
Set an intention to reach a place of acceptance (not resignation) with the job as it is right now. Get out a piece of paper and write down everything you hate about it. Let yourself feel what you feel without fanning the flames of criticism and resentment. Allow your emotional reaction to wash over you like the tide. And when it recedes, rewrite what you wrote in the language of neutrality: state what is without excessive value judgments. Here are a few examples:
Original complaint: “My boss is an ego-manic!”
Neutral observation: “My boss consistently makes choices based on how they will further her career, without seeming to consider their impact on others.”
Original complaint: “My boss micro-manages everything and it’s driving me crazy. She doesn’t trust me to do things right.”
Neutral observation: “My boss involves herself in virtually everything I do, giving me detailed instructions. She rarely accepts my ideas for doing things differently.”
Original complaint: “This company treats its employees like children!”
Neutral observation: “This company has policies and procedures for so many things, there is almost no room for creativity.”
I think you get the idea. Do your best to strip away character judgments and assumptions about the other person’s intentions; focus on what you can observe. And yes, your observations may include valid intuitive perceptions about underlying motivations – especially those that don’t align with your values. But suspend any tendency to make other people “wrong” or “bad” for acting in what you consider such a misguided way. Be as truthful as you can; don’t exaggerate the company’s ineptitude or your own angelic qualities.
When you’re finished, pause. Let things settle. Then ask yourself, “Given that this is so, what is mine to do?” Don’t rush to find an immediate answer. Give yourself time to meditate, to contemplate , to journal. Ask yourself, “How has this job served me? What qualities is it helping me cultivate? What is it showing me about myself that I most need to see and understand?” Again, don’t answer these questions the way you would check items off your to-do list. Really go deep within yourself, to your heart of hearts, and listen for the answers.
If you do this with sincerity, something will shift within you. It may not be huge, but it will be an opening into which new life can breathe. And then expand. Keep holding the intention for acceptance, until you can say with peaceful certainty, “Now is the time to leave,” or “I choose to stay here for now.”
And just notice how free you feel inside.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Reworking the "Money Equals Security" Equation
Have you ever opened a bank statement and, observing a diminished balance in your savings account from the previous month, felt a pang of fear? (Or maybe even, depending on how low the balance had become, felt assaulted by a full-on, frontal fear attack?) I suspect it’s fairly common during these tumultuous economic times, and it is a distinctly unpleasant experience. At the risk of stating the obvious, that fear arises because of our belief that money equals security. So when we have less of it, we feel less secure.
I know many people might object to my use of the word belief – money does equal security…doesn’t it? It is a fact, not a belief…isn’t it? From a certain perspective it is indeed true, as anyone who has lived without the basic necessities that money can buy would attest. And yet every true spiritual tradition tells us that nothing in the material world can be secured because all form is impermanent; our security lies not in the forms themselves but in our connection to Source, which feeds our creativity in generating the forms we need to sustain and nourish us. It is in cultivating our innate creative potential that we develop the flexibility, resilience and faith that lay the foundation for a different kind of security.
Helping me to see this clearly was a client I worked with recently whom I’ll call Kathy. After devoting several years to mothering her two children full-time, Kathy courageously and creatively navigated an emotionally trying divorce and the concurrent requirement to re-enter the work force. She had to quickly dust off an outdated resume and find paying work outside the home. And she did just that, taking on with great focus and enthusiasm a sales job which was 100% commission-based. In other words, there was no predictable base salary; she was paid only after she closed sales.
During the early years of her return to the workforce she supplemented her small but growing income by pulling money from a little nest egg she had in a savings account. Finally she reached the point where the income she generated from her job covered her monthly expenses, and the withdrawals from her savings account stopped.
Shortly after her monthly income and expenses reached equilibrium – and long after she had acknowledged a secret dream to find work that would be more deeply fulfilling to her – she discovered a training program she was genuinely excited about that would qualify her for the work she wanted. The fee for the program was several thousand dollars, and she hesitated to enroll because of the cost. As we explored her deep feelings and fears about considering this investment, she shared with me that she really didn’t want to touch her nest egg because leaving it intact gave her a feeling of security.
I completely empathize with the association of a tidy sum in a bank account with a feeling of security. But like so many of us, Kathy was confusing “effect” with “cause.” She thought the nest egg gave her security, when in truth it was her inner security that gave her the nest egg. It was her confidence and focus and creativity that was exchanged in the marketplace for cash, and in continually expanding her talent, skill and productivity she expanded the cash flowing into her life.
Now she had an opportunity to invest in her true self, to expand her capacity for giving and creating from the place within her that most wanted to give and to create, and she hesitated because of a misguided belief that money provides security. She temporarily forgot that money has no inherent worth or power; it has only the power we give it, which means that the power is ours to give.
Kathy’s nest egg, while not being the source of her security, was a reflection of her power and creativity. As a form of energy it held the potential to support her ongoing learning and expansion. Yet that potential could be released only through her conscious choice. Money must be put into circulation to release its value; money sitting in a bank account, or stuffed under a mattress, provides no security if we don’t actually exchange it for what we need.
Admittedly the purity of this concept gets a little muddy when we factor in the element of time. Until we are able to instantaneously manifest our desires from the life-giving field of pure potential, as Jesus did in multiplying the loaves and the fishes, we are wise to save money for future needs rather than putting it all into circulation right now. Yet the choice to save money for our future is just that, a conscious choice we have the power to make. And as our present unfolds into our future, we choose when, and how much, to withdraw from our savings. The power is always within us – the power to choose, to direct our energy in the form of money in accordance with our highest intentions.
This may seem like a trivial point, but I see it as fundamental to the shift in perspective that is needed when we seek to live our dreams. If we view money as a source of security, we subtly disempower ourselves. Security is seen as an object outside of us rather than as an innate aspect of our inner creativity and connection to Source. And as we chase that outer symbol of security, we’re more likely to choose work that pays the most, even if it does not provide an opportunity to develop our true passion and talent; we’re also more likely to hold onto money that we’ve accumulated, as Kathy did, rather than invest it in ways that could enrich us on all levels.
So if, like so many of us, you believe that money equals security, how do you begin to shift that belief? Let me be honest – that isn’t the kind of shift that generally happens overnight. Yet the earnest effort to reach for the deeper truth about the nature of security can open us to fresh insights and a greater sense of creative freedom. Here are a few steps you can take right now:
• Be willing to see “money equals security” as a belief, and to consider the possibility that it might confusing or constraining you as you seek to live your dreams.
• In your journal or on a notepad, write “What is the real source of my security?” at the top of a page. Put the pen down, close your eyes and quiet your mind. Consciously let go of any preconceived notions of what the answer might be. Invite Source to fill you with clarity and insight. When you feel at peace, open your eyes, pick up the pen and start writing. See what shows up.
• For the next week pay attention whenever you interact with money in any way – when you purchase something, when you check online to see if your paycheck has been deposited into your checking account, when you open your 401-k statement. Notice what you’re thinking and how you feel. Take notes about what you observe at the end of each day. Then at the end of the week pull out your journal and answer the following questions:
o Am I earning and spending it in alignment with my highest intentions?
o What change(s) might I make to bring me into greater alignment with my highest intentions?
• If you don’t have a regular spiritual practice already, contemplate deeply your willingness to commit to one. It is only though an intentional connection with Source, and the deeper wisdom that issues from Source, that our deepest needs can be seen and met.
As I said, this shift in perspective doesn’t happen overnight; it takes conscious choice and effort. As does virtually everything in life that is worthwhile. Imagine how you might feel – and how you might live your life – if your inner peace didn’t fluctuate with your bank or portfolio balance. Imagine the clarity, insight and inspiration that could arise from that deep sense of peace. I say that’s a peace worth cultivating. You might even call it…security.
I know many people might object to my use of the word belief – money does equal security…doesn’t it? It is a fact, not a belief…isn’t it? From a certain perspective it is indeed true, as anyone who has lived without the basic necessities that money can buy would attest. And yet every true spiritual tradition tells us that nothing in the material world can be secured because all form is impermanent; our security lies not in the forms themselves but in our connection to Source, which feeds our creativity in generating the forms we need to sustain and nourish us. It is in cultivating our innate creative potential that we develop the flexibility, resilience and faith that lay the foundation for a different kind of security.
Helping me to see this clearly was a client I worked with recently whom I’ll call Kathy. After devoting several years to mothering her two children full-time, Kathy courageously and creatively navigated an emotionally trying divorce and the concurrent requirement to re-enter the work force. She had to quickly dust off an outdated resume and find paying work outside the home. And she did just that, taking on with great focus and enthusiasm a sales job which was 100% commission-based. In other words, there was no predictable base salary; she was paid only after she closed sales.
During the early years of her return to the workforce she supplemented her small but growing income by pulling money from a little nest egg she had in a savings account. Finally she reached the point where the income she generated from her job covered her monthly expenses, and the withdrawals from her savings account stopped.
Shortly after her monthly income and expenses reached equilibrium – and long after she had acknowledged a secret dream to find work that would be more deeply fulfilling to her – she discovered a training program she was genuinely excited about that would qualify her for the work she wanted. The fee for the program was several thousand dollars, and she hesitated to enroll because of the cost. As we explored her deep feelings and fears about considering this investment, she shared with me that she really didn’t want to touch her nest egg because leaving it intact gave her a feeling of security.
I completely empathize with the association of a tidy sum in a bank account with a feeling of security. But like so many of us, Kathy was confusing “effect” with “cause.” She thought the nest egg gave her security, when in truth it was her inner security that gave her the nest egg. It was her confidence and focus and creativity that was exchanged in the marketplace for cash, and in continually expanding her talent, skill and productivity she expanded the cash flowing into her life.
Now she had an opportunity to invest in her true self, to expand her capacity for giving and creating from the place within her that most wanted to give and to create, and she hesitated because of a misguided belief that money provides security. She temporarily forgot that money has no inherent worth or power; it has only the power we give it, which means that the power is ours to give.
Kathy’s nest egg, while not being the source of her security, was a reflection of her power and creativity. As a form of energy it held the potential to support her ongoing learning and expansion. Yet that potential could be released only through her conscious choice. Money must be put into circulation to release its value; money sitting in a bank account, or stuffed under a mattress, provides no security if we don’t actually exchange it for what we need.
Admittedly the purity of this concept gets a little muddy when we factor in the element of time. Until we are able to instantaneously manifest our desires from the life-giving field of pure potential, as Jesus did in multiplying the loaves and the fishes, we are wise to save money for future needs rather than putting it all into circulation right now. Yet the choice to save money for our future is just that, a conscious choice we have the power to make. And as our present unfolds into our future, we choose when, and how much, to withdraw from our savings. The power is always within us – the power to choose, to direct our energy in the form of money in accordance with our highest intentions.
This may seem like a trivial point, but I see it as fundamental to the shift in perspective that is needed when we seek to live our dreams. If we view money as a source of security, we subtly disempower ourselves. Security is seen as an object outside of us rather than as an innate aspect of our inner creativity and connection to Source. And as we chase that outer symbol of security, we’re more likely to choose work that pays the most, even if it does not provide an opportunity to develop our true passion and talent; we’re also more likely to hold onto money that we’ve accumulated, as Kathy did, rather than invest it in ways that could enrich us on all levels.
So if, like so many of us, you believe that money equals security, how do you begin to shift that belief? Let me be honest – that isn’t the kind of shift that generally happens overnight. Yet the earnest effort to reach for the deeper truth about the nature of security can open us to fresh insights and a greater sense of creative freedom. Here are a few steps you can take right now:
• Be willing to see “money equals security” as a belief, and to consider the possibility that it might confusing or constraining you as you seek to live your dreams.
• In your journal or on a notepad, write “What is the real source of my security?” at the top of a page. Put the pen down, close your eyes and quiet your mind. Consciously let go of any preconceived notions of what the answer might be. Invite Source to fill you with clarity and insight. When you feel at peace, open your eyes, pick up the pen and start writing. See what shows up.
• For the next week pay attention whenever you interact with money in any way – when you purchase something, when you check online to see if your paycheck has been deposited into your checking account, when you open your 401-k statement. Notice what you’re thinking and how you feel. Take notes about what you observe at the end of each day. Then at the end of the week pull out your journal and answer the following questions:
o How would I characterize my current relationship with money?
o Am I earning and spending it in alignment with my highest intentions?
o What change(s) might I make to bring me into greater alignment with my highest intentions?
• If you don’t have a regular spiritual practice already, contemplate deeply your willingness to commit to one. It is only though an intentional connection with Source, and the deeper wisdom that issues from Source, that our deepest needs can be seen and met.
As I said, this shift in perspective doesn’t happen overnight; it takes conscious choice and effort. As does virtually everything in life that is worthwhile. Imagine how you might feel – and how you might live your life – if your inner peace didn’t fluctuate with your bank or portfolio balance. Imagine the clarity, insight and inspiration that could arise from that deep sense of peace. I say that’s a peace worth cultivating. You might even call it…security.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Can Your Soul Help You Make Good Money?
Imagine this bizarre scenario: you’re called upon to represent your cousin Barb in the salary negotiations for her new job, and naturally she wants to make good money. The negotiations are starting right now. And that’s not all: as improbable as the act of negotiating someone else’s salary with virtually no advance notice might be, what makes this scenario even stranger is that Barb is a distant cousin living halfway across the country. You’ve never met her and you don’t know anything about her. And there’s no time to call her for a crash course in Life As Barb.
Somehow you have to decide what “good money” would be for your cousin and do whatever you can think of to get it for her. You’d likely find yourself vacillating between wanting to nail a really big number – to be sure she earns enough to pay for everything she needs – but also wanting the negotiations to go smoothly, which would be easier if you didn’t ask for too much money. (After all, you don’t even know how good she is at what she does.)
A preposterous challenge, don’t you agree?
And yet, if you’ll allow me a big helping of artistic license, many people experience an eerily similar challenge in their own lives – not because they’re asked to represent a cousin whom they’ve never met in salary negotiations, but because they’re deciding what “good money” means for themselves without consulting the one person who really knows: their own best and highest self - the Wise One within, which I think of as the soul.
The soul knows quite a bit about good money – and about living a deeply fulfilled life. And, quite often, the soul’s direction is 180 degrees away from what we’ve been conditioned to believe. We’ve been taught that “good money” is the amount that maximizes what we can get; the soul knows that “good money” supports us in maximizing what we can give.
From spiritual masters to modern studies on happiness and fulfillment in the workplace, we are told that true happiness arises not from making more money than we’ve ever made before, but from serving others in a meaningful way. We experience fulfillment when we know that our contributions matter. We want, simply and deeply, to make a difference.
And of course we want a good home and clothes we enjoy wearing and maybe a really nice beach vacation every year…I’ll get to that in a moment.
Or maybe I can get to that right now.
Because the really cool, holistic and dare I say elegant thing about putting our souls in charge of our money is that our souls align our “gets” with our “gives.” The soul starts with identifying what we most long to heal, create and share – what we deeply want to give ourselves and the world that moves us toward wholeness and the realization of our highest potential – and then discerns what we need to have in order that we may give fully and generously.
I’m thinking now might be the perfect time for an example.
I read an article recently about a woman who grew up on a lake and cultivated a deep and abiding love of the water. She became a boat captain and started her own business taking people on adventurous, aquatic vacations. Over the years she’s observed a shocking amount of garbage swirling in even the remotest areas of the ocean, and has become a tireless advocate for cleaning up our precious seas. She recently started a nonprofit research and education foundation and routinely observes, measures and reports on the levels of garbage in our water, and also promotes new technologies for getting rid of it.
This woman needs a boat.
I, on the other hand, do not need a boat. At one point in my life, back when I was under the hypnotic spell of relentless messages about the “good life” and all it supposedly included, I might have been convinced that having a boat was a great way to reward myself for all the hard work I was putting into climbing the corporate ladder. (A highly unlikely scenario, I’ll be the first to admit, since I can’t even swim. Still, I can distinctly remember being lulled into thinking that having high-status, expensive things equated to having “made it.” Hence my unfortunate decision to buy a car at the age of 21 whose price equaled the annual salary of my first job out of college. I can assure you I never made that mistake again.) I shudder to think of the gross misallocation of time and energy I might have devoted to making the kind of money I’d need to buy a boat.
Which is exactly the point: putting our souls in charge of our money helps us allocate our time and energy wisely. When we start the “good money” conversation by asking what we most long to heal, to create and to give, we are focused in a way that helps us identify our true needs. Our energy is aligned with our highest intentions rather than scattered among countless alternatives that have no real relationship with who we are and what we’re here to give.
And that doesn’t always mean, by the way, that our true needs can or should be met with less money than our false ones. For many people, coming into right relationship with money means they need more of it in order to support their soul’s needs for healing, creating and giving. The key is to consult the inner Wise One to get the real answers.
And that, truthfully, is easier said than done, with the countless voices in our heads giving us all kinds of mixed advice and confusing us with both crippling doubt and ungrounded wishful thinking. It can seem easier just to play by the rules and aim for getting the most money we can as fast as we can, then figure out what to do with it as we go along. The problem with that is it reinforces the false notion that our happiness arises from having rather than giving, and so we increase the likelihood of being unfulfilled.
So where does that leave us? It’s not likely that we can turn around our ingrained habits of earning and spending money overnight, but we can start where we are. Get in the habit of setting aside quiet time for deep inner listening and ask yourself, with sincerity and openness and genuine curiosity, “What is it that I most long to heal, create or share in my life? And what do I need to be supported in that?” Give the exploration plenty of time and space, and feel for a deep sense of “rightness” in the responses. Write them down, and ask the Wise One what step you can take that moves you toward fulfilling those needs. Then take it.
And repeat: keep asking, keep listening, keep stepping forward. I know you’re going to want to figure it all out, already, especially the part about how you’re going to make the money your wise soul has determined you actually need. There are plenty of resources, both inner and outer, to support you in making that happen. But the foundation for that process is holding the intention to put your soul in charge, and to do that you need to actually listen to its voice.
So just start listening.
Somehow you have to decide what “good money” would be for your cousin and do whatever you can think of to get it for her. You’d likely find yourself vacillating between wanting to nail a really big number – to be sure she earns enough to pay for everything she needs – but also wanting the negotiations to go smoothly, which would be easier if you didn’t ask for too much money. (After all, you don’t even know how good she is at what she does.)
A preposterous challenge, don’t you agree?
And yet, if you’ll allow me a big helping of artistic license, many people experience an eerily similar challenge in their own lives – not because they’re asked to represent a cousin whom they’ve never met in salary negotiations, but because they’re deciding what “good money” means for themselves without consulting the one person who really knows: their own best and highest self - the Wise One within, which I think of as the soul.
The soul knows quite a bit about good money – and about living a deeply fulfilled life. And, quite often, the soul’s direction is 180 degrees away from what we’ve been conditioned to believe. We’ve been taught that “good money” is the amount that maximizes what we can get; the soul knows that “good money” supports us in maximizing what we can give.
From spiritual masters to modern studies on happiness and fulfillment in the workplace, we are told that true happiness arises not from making more money than we’ve ever made before, but from serving others in a meaningful way. We experience fulfillment when we know that our contributions matter. We want, simply and deeply, to make a difference.
And of course we want a good home and clothes we enjoy wearing and maybe a really nice beach vacation every year…I’ll get to that in a moment.
Or maybe I can get to that right now.
Because the really cool, holistic and dare I say elegant thing about putting our souls in charge of our money is that our souls align our “gets” with our “gives.” The soul starts with identifying what we most long to heal, create and share – what we deeply want to give ourselves and the world that moves us toward wholeness and the realization of our highest potential – and then discerns what we need to have in order that we may give fully and generously.
I’m thinking now might be the perfect time for an example.
I read an article recently about a woman who grew up on a lake and cultivated a deep and abiding love of the water. She became a boat captain and started her own business taking people on adventurous, aquatic vacations. Over the years she’s observed a shocking amount of garbage swirling in even the remotest areas of the ocean, and has become a tireless advocate for cleaning up our precious seas. She recently started a nonprofit research and education foundation and routinely observes, measures and reports on the levels of garbage in our water, and also promotes new technologies for getting rid of it.
This woman needs a boat.
I, on the other hand, do not need a boat. At one point in my life, back when I was under the hypnotic spell of relentless messages about the “good life” and all it supposedly included, I might have been convinced that having a boat was a great way to reward myself for all the hard work I was putting into climbing the corporate ladder. (A highly unlikely scenario, I’ll be the first to admit, since I can’t even swim. Still, I can distinctly remember being lulled into thinking that having high-status, expensive things equated to having “made it.” Hence my unfortunate decision to buy a car at the age of 21 whose price equaled the annual salary of my first job out of college. I can assure you I never made that mistake again.) I shudder to think of the gross misallocation of time and energy I might have devoted to making the kind of money I’d need to buy a boat.
Which is exactly the point: putting our souls in charge of our money helps us allocate our time and energy wisely. When we start the “good money” conversation by asking what we most long to heal, to create and to give, we are focused in a way that helps us identify our true needs. Our energy is aligned with our highest intentions rather than scattered among countless alternatives that have no real relationship with who we are and what we’re here to give.
And that doesn’t always mean, by the way, that our true needs can or should be met with less money than our false ones. For many people, coming into right relationship with money means they need more of it in order to support their soul’s needs for healing, creating and giving. The key is to consult the inner Wise One to get the real answers.
And that, truthfully, is easier said than done, with the countless voices in our heads giving us all kinds of mixed advice and confusing us with both crippling doubt and ungrounded wishful thinking. It can seem easier just to play by the rules and aim for getting the most money we can as fast as we can, then figure out what to do with it as we go along. The problem with that is it reinforces the false notion that our happiness arises from having rather than giving, and so we increase the likelihood of being unfulfilled.
So where does that leave us? It’s not likely that we can turn around our ingrained habits of earning and spending money overnight, but we can start where we are. Get in the habit of setting aside quiet time for deep inner listening and ask yourself, with sincerity and openness and genuine curiosity, “What is it that I most long to heal, create or share in my life? And what do I need to be supported in that?” Give the exploration plenty of time and space, and feel for a deep sense of “rightness” in the responses. Write them down, and ask the Wise One what step you can take that moves you toward fulfilling those needs. Then take it.
And repeat: keep asking, keep listening, keep stepping forward. I know you’re going to want to figure it all out, already, especially the part about how you’re going to make the money your wise soul has determined you actually need. There are plenty of resources, both inner and outer, to support you in making that happen. But the foundation for that process is holding the intention to put your soul in charge, and to do that you need to actually listen to its voice.
So just start listening.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
It's Not About the Money - But It's Not NOT About the Money!
During the tenure of my corporate career, I went from being a young, idealistic girl to a not-so-young and increasingly dismayed woman. Thinking that corporations were in business to provide a service, I was naively shocked to observe, time and again, a relentlessly myopic focus on the bottom line. On making money. And on creating bonus plans that generated payouts for senior executives that could have covered the annual salary of several of the hard-working employees who made it all possible.
It became increasingly, overwhelmingly clear to me that when “making money” becomes the objective, huge distortions are introduced in the process of creating and selling something in the marketplace. Prices are raised disproportionately to value, costs are cut without full consideration of the impact of those choices on employees, the community and the environment, and the focus narrows to a short-term, quarter-to-quarter view that disregards the natural continuum from present to future.
As I wrote in an impassioned letter to the CFO, imploring him to talk some sense into the senior executives, all I could see was a relentless transfer of wealth from the many to the few. It was difficult not to become a little cynical. (Okay, I actually did become a little cynical. Maybe more than a little. And that’s how I knew something had to shift in me, and in my life. But that’s another story.)
Life is not about making money. Life is about life, about living fully into our potential in joyful service to the Whole. And yet in the life we have created, money serves an immensely useful purpose as a medium of exchange. I am forever grateful that I do not have to find farmers and seamstresses who are in need of coaching services so I can barter with them for food and clothing. Whew!
Yet I remain wary of not letting a misplaced desire for money distort my authentic intention to serve others through my work. And this lingering distaste for chasing money and materialism that many of us share can, itself, create distortions. It can distort our healthy appreciation for money. It’s easy to “get” that life isn’t about making money – but it’s harder to grasp how to come into right relationship with this undeniably valuable tool for graceful living.
I know many good-hearted, well-intentioned people – people who are centered in a genuine desire to create valuable products and services that help others – who cling so fervently to “It’s not about the money!” that they’ve forgotten how to allow money into their lives. Having seen, as I did, that putting money first almost always means putting what really matters last, they vow to do it differently. So they decide to turn things around and put money last.
Which almost always means they don’t have enough of it.
It’s common, when observing something that doesn’t work, to assume that its opposite must be the solution. But putting money last isn’t the solution to freeing ourselves from the tyranny of chasing it. In an odd way, it simply creates a different kind of tyranny. Whether we chase money or avoid it, the very charge we have around it reflects what I call an “unholy alliance” between money and power. We keep giving money the power to prioritize our choices, whether we regard it as good or evil. And relating to money as the source of our power is never a healthy choice.
So we need to find a new way of relating to money. Which is a bit more than I can cover in a single blog post! But I’ll continue to share my thoughts about it in future posts. Those of you who know me, know that helping people shift their relationship with money is an integral part of the teaching and coaching work I do. I won’t leave you hanging!
And in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. How would you characterize your relationship with money? Is it healthy? Dysfunctional? Missing in action altogether? Whatever it is, you are not alone. Let’s heal it together.
It became increasingly, overwhelmingly clear to me that when “making money” becomes the objective, huge distortions are introduced in the process of creating and selling something in the marketplace. Prices are raised disproportionately to value, costs are cut without full consideration of the impact of those choices on employees, the community and the environment, and the focus narrows to a short-term, quarter-to-quarter view that disregards the natural continuum from present to future.
As I wrote in an impassioned letter to the CFO, imploring him to talk some sense into the senior executives, all I could see was a relentless transfer of wealth from the many to the few. It was difficult not to become a little cynical. (Okay, I actually did become a little cynical. Maybe more than a little. And that’s how I knew something had to shift in me, and in my life. But that’s another story.)
Life is not about making money. Life is about life, about living fully into our potential in joyful service to the Whole. And yet in the life we have created, money serves an immensely useful purpose as a medium of exchange. I am forever grateful that I do not have to find farmers and seamstresses who are in need of coaching services so I can barter with them for food and clothing. Whew!
Yet I remain wary of not letting a misplaced desire for money distort my authentic intention to serve others through my work. And this lingering distaste for chasing money and materialism that many of us share can, itself, create distortions. It can distort our healthy appreciation for money. It’s easy to “get” that life isn’t about making money – but it’s harder to grasp how to come into right relationship with this undeniably valuable tool for graceful living.
I know many good-hearted, well-intentioned people – people who are centered in a genuine desire to create valuable products and services that help others – who cling so fervently to “It’s not about the money!” that they’ve forgotten how to allow money into their lives. Having seen, as I did, that putting money first almost always means putting what really matters last, they vow to do it differently. So they decide to turn things around and put money last.
Which almost always means they don’t have enough of it.
It’s common, when observing something that doesn’t work, to assume that its opposite must be the solution. But putting money last isn’t the solution to freeing ourselves from the tyranny of chasing it. In an odd way, it simply creates a different kind of tyranny. Whether we chase money or avoid it, the very charge we have around it reflects what I call an “unholy alliance” between money and power. We keep giving money the power to prioritize our choices, whether we regard it as good or evil. And relating to money as the source of our power is never a healthy choice.
So we need to find a new way of relating to money. Which is a bit more than I can cover in a single blog post! But I’ll continue to share my thoughts about it in future posts. Those of you who know me, know that helping people shift their relationship with money is an integral part of the teaching and coaching work I do. I won’t leave you hanging!
And in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. How would you characterize your relationship with money? Is it healthy? Dysfunctional? Missing in action altogether? Whatever it is, you are not alone. Let’s heal it together.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Embracing Your Inner Procrastinator
A few weeks ago I led a workshop with the same title as this blog post. (I must admit it was a classic example of teaching what we most need to learn.) I’ve had an uneasy relationship with procrastination for years, and decided a while back that it needed a little TLC and probably a fresh insight or two. So I set an intention to learn more about procrastination and practice healthier ways of relating to it.
And I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve made tremendous progress! (Although I’m still working out some kinks, as you might guess from the length of time that has passed since my last blog update…)
In this post I want to share with you a little of what I’ve learned that has helped me – and my clients – the most. If you’ve ever struggled with procrastination, and the damning self-judgment that almost always accompanies it, a small but profound change in perspective could make all the difference for you. And I sincerely hope it does. So…here goes!
First I want to emphasize the need to use both tenderness and humor as you explore why you put things off. Procrastination is not a character flaw! It is a signal to get curious, to treat yourself with great respect and compassion, and to experiment with new ways of thinking and acting. It is not an invitation to judge yourself as severely lacking in some critical ingredient for success.
I know how easy it is to feel immensely frustrated with a tendency to procrastinate, and that frustration quickly morphs into self-judgment. But the simple truth is, self-judgment doesn’t work. Often our inner procrastinator is a bit of a rebel, and we can’t heal rebellion by heaping more judgment on it – judgment only increases the tendency to rebel. So I hereby request that you firmly set aside any judgment about procrastination. Just do it.
Now let’s start with the basics. Procrastination is generally either fear-based resistance…or love-based inner guidance. (Don’t you feel better already, just knowing that love could be in the mix?) And here’s the really good news: sometimes procrastination isn’t procrastination at all! It is simply the rhythm of our creative process, the ebb and flow of how we get things done.
So the first question to ask yourself is: am I really procrastinating? Or am I ultimately getting done what I want to get done, in its own perfect time? Imagine nothing else changing about how you do things except your inner monologue about how lazy you are and how you should be doing them sooner or faster. Can you imagine how free you would feel without that haranguing hawk of a judge inside you? You would feel wonderful.
Step back and take the long view. See if this thing you’re calling procrastination could be the incubation period of your creative process. See how the apparent delays may actually be serving your artistic need for exploration, rumination and fertilization. (Or much-needed rest.) See if you’re actually getting done what you want to get done, even if the timetable is a bit different than your inner control freak might dictate. Be willing to see it this way, and then see how you feel.
Of course, sometimes we really are putting things off that we think need to be done; we’re not creating, we’re avoiding. But before jumping back onto the self-judgment bandwagon, consider the possibility that dragging your feet is a form of inner guidance. Maybe this thing you’re avoiding doesn’t really need to get done, or maybe it doesn’t need to get done right how.
So the next question to ask yourself is: Am I avoiding something I truly want to do or have done, or something I think I should want? Is this really mine to do? I could give you several really juicy examples of people who have dared to ask themselves this question, and realized their so-called procrastination was really a form of inner guidance helping them stay on track with their true priorities. But in the interest of keeping this post from expanding into a novella, I won’t. Still, I hope you will ask this question seriously of yourself. You might be surprised at what you discover.
Okay, now let’s dive into the deep end of what most of us mean when we say we procrastinate: we’re putting off something we really do want to do or have done. Something that is truly ours to do. Yet we resist doing it…and then we berate ourselves for that.
This is where the tenderness comes in, because that kind of procrastination isn’t helpful guidance. It’s fear masquerading as resistance and justification (e.g., “I don’t feel like it right now…” or “I really don’t have the time…”). And if we can recognize the fear, we can bring compassion rather than judgment to the process. We can talk and coax ourselves into a more supportive mindset, as we might a frightened child (the part of us who is generally running the show at times like these). We can nudge ourselves lovingly into a little forward motion.
So when we’re avoiding doing what we truly want to do, we start by quietly asking: Why am I procrastinating? If I set aside all justifications and judgments, what am I afraid of? What am I afraid I’ll discover about myself?
(Quick tip: if your first answer is “Because I’m lazy” – or something equally damning - remember that’s a judgment and not at all helpful.)
Look firmly and gently for the specific fear underneath the resistance.
…”I’m afraid that even if I do it, then…”
…”I’m afraid I’m just no good at it…”
…”I’m afraid I have nothing useful to say…”
Once you’ve named your fear, bring your loving curiosity and a sincere willingness to see things differently to the table. Ask the following questions:
With respect to what I’m afraid of…
…is it really true?
…is it possible it’s not true?
…what else might be true that is even more relevant and helpful?
…what kind of support might I need to move through this?
All of these questions are useful. Sometimes just taking the time to ask what we’re afraid of, to write down our honest answer and then ask, “Is this really true?” is enough to dissolve the fear. We see clearly, once it’s stated in plain English, that what we believe to be true is only a childish fear. It is not true. And we can let it go.
Other times it’s not so easy dissolve a fear, and those times are when the question about what else might be true is particularly powerful. It calls us to reach for a deeper truth, one that is more empowering and kind.
For example, I may keep putting off writing because I’m afraid I’m just not that good at it, so why bother? Actually, I’m not just afraid I may not be good at it, I’m convinced that I’m not; but if I get quiet and ask myself what else might be true, I discover that I’m willing to get good at it, and that mastery doesn’t happen overnight. I remember that I have the passion and the willingness to keep practicing. And I remember that “being good at it” is highly subjective, and compared to how I was just a few short years ago, I’m pretty darned good. And resting in those deeper truths, I find my willingness to practice again.
It’s also a good idea to create a powerful affirmation of your deeper truth, one that is clear and inspiring. Mine could be, “I have what it takes to be a good writer!” or “My passion and willingness to practice writing are taking me where I want to go.” And once you’ve created your power statement, call on it repeatedly when that old familiar resistance shows up. Just take a deep breath, place a loving arm across the shoulders of your frightened inner child, and remind her of what is really true.
Uncovering your specific fears and creating powerful statements of deeper truth is one simple and effective way to support yourself in this process. Other ways include…
…Writing about why you want what you want, to get deeply connected to the satisfaction or fulfillment you long for, which is inherently motivating.
…Taking the tiniest, babiest steps you can think of – and celebrating each one as the victory that it is.
…Enlisting the support of a partner or coach.
There are undoubtedly countless other ways to stay supported and inspired. The important point is to recognize that you are deserving of that support, and to actively create it. And don’t forget, there is simply no room for judgment in this healing process. As my coach once said to me, in the words that have helped me time and time again, “You’re just going to have to love yourself through this.”
So love yourself through it. And take all the time you need.
Please be sure to visit my website for information on classes, workshops and private coaching.
And I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve made tremendous progress! (Although I’m still working out some kinks, as you might guess from the length of time that has passed since my last blog update…)
In this post I want to share with you a little of what I’ve learned that has helped me – and my clients – the most. If you’ve ever struggled with procrastination, and the damning self-judgment that almost always accompanies it, a small but profound change in perspective could make all the difference for you. And I sincerely hope it does. So…here goes!
First I want to emphasize the need to use both tenderness and humor as you explore why you put things off. Procrastination is not a character flaw! It is a signal to get curious, to treat yourself with great respect and compassion, and to experiment with new ways of thinking and acting. It is not an invitation to judge yourself as severely lacking in some critical ingredient for success.
I know how easy it is to feel immensely frustrated with a tendency to procrastinate, and that frustration quickly morphs into self-judgment. But the simple truth is, self-judgment doesn’t work. Often our inner procrastinator is a bit of a rebel, and we can’t heal rebellion by heaping more judgment on it – judgment only increases the tendency to rebel. So I hereby request that you firmly set aside any judgment about procrastination. Just do it.
Now let’s start with the basics. Procrastination is generally either fear-based resistance…or love-based inner guidance. (Don’t you feel better already, just knowing that love could be in the mix?) And here’s the really good news: sometimes procrastination isn’t procrastination at all! It is simply the rhythm of our creative process, the ebb and flow of how we get things done.
So the first question to ask yourself is: am I really procrastinating? Or am I ultimately getting done what I want to get done, in its own perfect time? Imagine nothing else changing about how you do things except your inner monologue about how lazy you are and how you should be doing them sooner or faster. Can you imagine how free you would feel without that haranguing hawk of a judge inside you? You would feel wonderful.
Step back and take the long view. See if this thing you’re calling procrastination could be the incubation period of your creative process. See how the apparent delays may actually be serving your artistic need for exploration, rumination and fertilization. (Or much-needed rest.) See if you’re actually getting done what you want to get done, even if the timetable is a bit different than your inner control freak might dictate. Be willing to see it this way, and then see how you feel.
Of course, sometimes we really are putting things off that we think need to be done; we’re not creating, we’re avoiding. But before jumping back onto the self-judgment bandwagon, consider the possibility that dragging your feet is a form of inner guidance. Maybe this thing you’re avoiding doesn’t really need to get done, or maybe it doesn’t need to get done right how.
So the next question to ask yourself is: Am I avoiding something I truly want to do or have done, or something I think I should want? Is this really mine to do? I could give you several really juicy examples of people who have dared to ask themselves this question, and realized their so-called procrastination was really a form of inner guidance helping them stay on track with their true priorities. But in the interest of keeping this post from expanding into a novella, I won’t. Still, I hope you will ask this question seriously of yourself. You might be surprised at what you discover.
Okay, now let’s dive into the deep end of what most of us mean when we say we procrastinate: we’re putting off something we really do want to do or have done. Something that is truly ours to do. Yet we resist doing it…and then we berate ourselves for that.
This is where the tenderness comes in, because that kind of procrastination isn’t helpful guidance. It’s fear masquerading as resistance and justification (e.g., “I don’t feel like it right now…” or “I really don’t have the time…”). And if we can recognize the fear, we can bring compassion rather than judgment to the process. We can talk and coax ourselves into a more supportive mindset, as we might a frightened child (the part of us who is generally running the show at times like these). We can nudge ourselves lovingly into a little forward motion.
So when we’re avoiding doing what we truly want to do, we start by quietly asking: Why am I procrastinating? If I set aside all justifications and judgments, what am I afraid of? What am I afraid I’ll discover about myself?
(Quick tip: if your first answer is “Because I’m lazy” – or something equally damning - remember that’s a judgment and not at all helpful.)
Look firmly and gently for the specific fear underneath the resistance.
…”I’m afraid that even if I do it, then…”
…”I’m afraid I’m just no good at it…”
…”I’m afraid I have nothing useful to say…”
Once you’ve named your fear, bring your loving curiosity and a sincere willingness to see things differently to the table. Ask the following questions:
With respect to what I’m afraid of…
…is it really true?
…is it possible it’s not true?
…what else might be true that is even more relevant and helpful?
…what kind of support might I need to move through this?
All of these questions are useful. Sometimes just taking the time to ask what we’re afraid of, to write down our honest answer and then ask, “Is this really true?” is enough to dissolve the fear. We see clearly, once it’s stated in plain English, that what we believe to be true is only a childish fear. It is not true. And we can let it go.
Other times it’s not so easy dissolve a fear, and those times are when the question about what else might be true is particularly powerful. It calls us to reach for a deeper truth, one that is more empowering and kind.
For example, I may keep putting off writing because I’m afraid I’m just not that good at it, so why bother? Actually, I’m not just afraid I may not be good at it, I’m convinced that I’m not; but if I get quiet and ask myself what else might be true, I discover that I’m willing to get good at it, and that mastery doesn’t happen overnight. I remember that I have the passion and the willingness to keep practicing. And I remember that “being good at it” is highly subjective, and compared to how I was just a few short years ago, I’m pretty darned good. And resting in those deeper truths, I find my willingness to practice again.
It’s also a good idea to create a powerful affirmation of your deeper truth, one that is clear and inspiring. Mine could be, “I have what it takes to be a good writer!” or “My passion and willingness to practice writing are taking me where I want to go.” And once you’ve created your power statement, call on it repeatedly when that old familiar resistance shows up. Just take a deep breath, place a loving arm across the shoulders of your frightened inner child, and remind her of what is really true.
Uncovering your specific fears and creating powerful statements of deeper truth is one simple and effective way to support yourself in this process. Other ways include…
…Writing about why you want what you want, to get deeply connected to the satisfaction or fulfillment you long for, which is inherently motivating.
…Taking the tiniest, babiest steps you can think of – and celebrating each one as the victory that it is.
…Enlisting the support of a partner or coach.
There are undoubtedly countless other ways to stay supported and inspired. The important point is to recognize that you are deserving of that support, and to actively create it. And don’t forget, there is simply no room for judgment in this healing process. As my coach once said to me, in the words that have helped me time and time again, “You’re just going to have to love yourself through this.”
So love yourself through it. And take all the time you need.
Please be sure to visit my website for information on classes, workshops and private coaching.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tell The Truth About Your Life
I've had more than a few conversations recently about the wild swings and ongoing uncertainty in our economy. Even as many of us are feeling a new surge of grounded optimism, we can't help but notice the chaos and ugliness in the world around us. Should we be happy or worried? Should we take new risks or hunker down and hope the ill winds don't blow in our direction? Should we upgrade our crumbling kitchen or sell the house and move to the Cayman Islands? Should we trust our accountant or our inner voice?
Helping clients grapple with questions like these is what prompted me to write my first book in 2009, so I decided to share a chapter from it in this blog post, just to give you a little taste. The title of the book is 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy), and I invite you to visit my website to learn more (http://www.mysolidground.com/) or use the above link to go to Amazon.com and see all the wonderful reviews! I'm honored by the positive feedback I've received about the book so far, and would be delighted for you to check it out, if you haven't already.
And by the way, although the economic downturn was my catalyst for writing the guide, it is intended to be a loving support during any period of uncertainty or transition in your life. So whether you're feeling a little wobbly because of the economy, or sensing a longing and readiness to create a bigger life, this book can help. I wrote it and offer it from my heart, and hope you will receive it with yours.
And now without further ado, here is Chapter 4 from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy). Enjoy!
Tell The Truth About Your Life
When everything is working according to plan, we fall into the mindset, patterns and routines that keep the plan in place. We go about our lives, executing tasks and checking things off our to-do lists. We get things done and keep going, without question, because there is a certain sense of security in knowing what to do, how to do it and when to do it. But when these patterns and plans begin to crumble, we recognize that what we thought was security was only predictability – a numbing sameness that seduced us through mere repetition. It felt like something we could count on. Until, suddenly, we couldn’t.
Now is the perfect time to pause – since you don’t know what to do, anyway – and look with fresh eyes at the life you’ve been living. What’s really working here? What isn’t? How are you feeling? What are you tired of? What do you need? What is your soul longing to be, do, create or experience? What are you, finally, ready to acknowledge? What kind of life do you want to live?
These are the unanswered questions that await you in the void, and it’s only when you let go of knowing how your life is supposed to go that you can begin to see how your life wants to go. Since you’re just floating about anyway, why not take advantage of this freed-up perspective to look at your life with loving curiosity? What might you be ready to release or stop doing? What is itching to emerge? Who have you become, and who do you want to be?
Keep asking, and be willing to answer truthfully. There is no need to posture, defend or justify. Just tell it like it is, with as much compassion, humor and perspective as you can muster. Maybe now is the time to admit, finally, that you’re in the wrong job, and all the energy you’ve poured into convincing yourself otherwise has depleted you. (You might even be secretly hoping to get laid off.) Or maybe you can finally see that you’re in the perfect job, even though it’s not as glamorous as the one you thought you should have, and it needs more of your focused energy and attention than you’ve been giving it. Maybe now you’re ready to take that course you’ve wanted to take for so long. Maybe now is the time to look at those credit card statements and see if all that stuff you bought is really making you happy. Maybe now is the time to tell the truth – the whole truth – about your life.
This isn’t easy to do. You might twist and squirm a little, trying to avoid naming your truth. You might even feel like a failure or sell-out for having ignored it all this time, and so you keep trying to pretend that maybe it isn’t really your truth, after all. Maybe this lifeless path is as good as it gets, and your task is to stay the course and talk loudly so you can’t hear the distracting murmurings of your soul.
But here is the beauty of this chaotic time: as the path you’ve been walking literally dissolves beneath your feet, you’re given a sort of “life amnesty,” an opportunity to come clean with yourself. There is no penalty for admitting that you’ve been heading in the wrong direction. You got a little lost, that’s all, and now you’re ready and willing to find your way back home. You’re ready to acknowledge your truth and let it light your way, step by step.
excerpted from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (copyright 2009, Suzanne E. Eder)
Helping clients grapple with questions like these is what prompted me to write my first book in 2009, so I decided to share a chapter from it in this blog post, just to give you a little taste. The title of the book is 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy), and I invite you to visit my website to learn more (http://www.mysolidground.com/) or use the above link to go to Amazon.com and see all the wonderful reviews! I'm honored by the positive feedback I've received about the book so far, and would be delighted for you to check it out, if you haven't already.
And by the way, although the economic downturn was my catalyst for writing the guide, it is intended to be a loving support during any period of uncertainty or transition in your life. So whether you're feeling a little wobbly because of the economy, or sensing a longing and readiness to create a bigger life, this book can help. I wrote it and offer it from my heart, and hope you will receive it with yours.
And now without further ado, here is Chapter 4 from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (When The World Has Gone A Little Crazy). Enjoy!
Tell The Truth About Your Life
When everything is working according to plan, we fall into the mindset, patterns and routines that keep the plan in place. We go about our lives, executing tasks and checking things off our to-do lists. We get things done and keep going, without question, because there is a certain sense of security in knowing what to do, how to do it and when to do it. But when these patterns and plans begin to crumble, we recognize that what we thought was security was only predictability – a numbing sameness that seduced us through mere repetition. It felt like something we could count on. Until, suddenly, we couldn’t.
Now is the perfect time to pause – since you don’t know what to do, anyway – and look with fresh eyes at the life you’ve been living. What’s really working here? What isn’t? How are you feeling? What are you tired of? What do you need? What is your soul longing to be, do, create or experience? What are you, finally, ready to acknowledge? What kind of life do you want to live?
These are the unanswered questions that await you in the void, and it’s only when you let go of knowing how your life is supposed to go that you can begin to see how your life wants to go. Since you’re just floating about anyway, why not take advantage of this freed-up perspective to look at your life with loving curiosity? What might you be ready to release or stop doing? What is itching to emerge? Who have you become, and who do you want to be?
Keep asking, and be willing to answer truthfully. There is no need to posture, defend or justify. Just tell it like it is, with as much compassion, humor and perspective as you can muster. Maybe now is the time to admit, finally, that you’re in the wrong job, and all the energy you’ve poured into convincing yourself otherwise has depleted you. (You might even be secretly hoping to get laid off.) Or maybe you can finally see that you’re in the perfect job, even though it’s not as glamorous as the one you thought you should have, and it needs more of your focused energy and attention than you’ve been giving it. Maybe now you’re ready to take that course you’ve wanted to take for so long. Maybe now is the time to look at those credit card statements and see if all that stuff you bought is really making you happy. Maybe now is the time to tell the truth – the whole truth – about your life.
This isn’t easy to do. You might twist and squirm a little, trying to avoid naming your truth. You might even feel like a failure or sell-out for having ignored it all this time, and so you keep trying to pretend that maybe it isn’t really your truth, after all. Maybe this lifeless path is as good as it gets, and your task is to stay the course and talk loudly so you can’t hear the distracting murmurings of your soul.
But here is the beauty of this chaotic time: as the path you’ve been walking literally dissolves beneath your feet, you’re given a sort of “life amnesty,” an opportunity to come clean with yourself. There is no penalty for admitting that you’ve been heading in the wrong direction. You got a little lost, that’s all, and now you’re ready and willing to find your way back home. You’re ready to acknowledge your truth and let it light your way, step by step.
excerpted from 10 Ways To Find Peace Rather Than Panic (copyright 2009, Suzanne E. Eder)
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