This time two weeks ago I was relaxing at the beach, reveling in gratitude for the spiritual retreat I had just led with six inspiring women. We gathered on Friday evening, all day Saturday and for several hours on Sunday. The theme of the retreat was self-love, and as the weekend unfolded we shed layers of habits and doubts and should’s and must do’s – and to each of us, a brilliant inner core of magnificence was revealed. It was profound and wonderful and genuinely transformative. It was also, dare I say, fun.
And very, very real.
Let me say that another way: we were living in reality.
I’ve noticed that many people have a strong tendency, after having experienced something like a retreat or a deeply nourishing vacation, to view it as somehow apart from reality. How many times have you heard yourself or others say, as the vacation winds down and it’s time to go home, “Now it’s back to reality!”
Somehow we’ve come to associate “reality” with work and responsibility and obligation and struggle, oddly ignoring or marginalizing the moments of our lives when we experience joy, contentment, peace or delight. We haven’t yet fully grasped that reality is what we make it, and we’re “making it” every moment of our lives with our intention, our energy and our attention. Every bit of our experience is real, and we have a lot of creative power to experience reality in fresh ways that empower and uplift us rather than through past conditioning that disempowers and diminishes us.
When we dare to step away from that old conditioning and immerse ourselves for a day or a weekend or a week with a clear intention for self-connection, we aren’t stepping away from reality. We’re actually plunging ourselves into it. The sparkling, funny, inspired, creative, bold and brilliant self we discover in moments of profound awareness is who we really are – it is our most authentic Self. And giving that Self a little air time is amazingly refreshing. It rights our perspective and reveals our intuitive knowing about how we want to live our lives. It reminds us of our talent and creativity and absolute worthiness to live a life we love. It helps us remember that it is only through loving ourselves that we can grow into our magnificence.
And once we’ve awakened to this truth of who we really are, we can take that expanded awareness back into our day-to-day lives. We can choose to set aside time to remember those moments of profound self-connection - and bring them into the present moment through our loving attention to those memories. We can include in our daily lives the practices we learned at the retreat, simple things such as meditation and journaling and chanting that connect us with our magnificent, authentic Self. We can set a clear and firm intention to live true to that Self, and let that intention guide our moment-to-moment choices.
And that’s really what it’s all about. Stepping away from our usual habits of thinking and doing, with the express intention for connecting with our deepest truth, opens our eyes to the many subtle – and not so subtle - ways we may be diminishing or even betraying ourselves in daily life. With that newfound awareness, along with a strengthened connection to the brilliant inner core of our being, we can declare a renewed intention to live true to ourselves. And from that intention will arise new choices – in everything from how we think to what we prioritize to what we let go of – that will change our lives.
In other words, we can bring the reality of the retreat – an expanded awareness of who we really are - into the reality of our day-to-day lives. And in doing so, we create a whole new reality.
That’s why I’m a huge fan of retreats, both the extended kind and the mini-retreats we create by giving ourselves time out each day for quiet self-connection. They are absolutely essential to a deeply fulfilled life, for it is only through profound self-connection that we come to know ourselves, and it is only through knowing ourselves that we can fulfill our unique potential…and it is only through fulfilling our unique potential that we can live in joy.
During our closing ceremony at the retreat, we spoke aloud the following poem by Raymond Carver. May it inspire you to retreat into the reality of your true, beloved Self.
Late Fragments
And did you get what you wanted in this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
All We Are Is Love
The following is excerpted from an article to be published in the June issue of Living.Well Magazine. The full article will be the first in a series of three which summarize the highlights of my extraordinary interview with Anita Moorjani, author of the best-selling book Dying To Be Me: My Journey from Cancer to Near Death to True Healing. You can listen to the amazing conversation here.
Let me tell you a little about Anita Moorjani. She is kind. She is generous. She is warm and supportive. She is funny. She is incredibly wise. She is gracious. She is respectful. She is someone with whom I would love to have talked for hours. (And very nearly did, thanks to a technology breakdown during our across-the-globe call and her generosity in making up the time we lost…and then giving me even more.) If Oprah still had her talk show, you can bet Anita would be a sought-after guest.
And that’s because her message is so profound and inspiring. It is also elegantly simple, and our busy, complexity-loving minds might be tempted to dismiss it as simplistic. Yet it is a message that, as we let it sink into our hearts and minds and the very marrow of our bones, can literally transform our lives
Here it is: We are magnificent beings whose very essence is love. Our forgetting of that truth gives rise to all that we would consider unwanted in our lives and in our world; our remembering of it restores us to wholeness and joy.
This is where Anita and I started our conversation. She spoke with great clarity and passion about the realization she gained, during her near death experience (NDE), that she was loved unconditionally – and that she deserved this love just because she existed. She understood with complete clarity that we are not here to work or perform or prove ourselves worthy, and all of our efforts to do so are futile: there is no need to prove what is already given. In her words, “Because you have been put on this planet, you are deserving of good things coming to you.”
This may be a message you have heard before. (I hope so.) It is certainly one that I have heard and embraced and shared with my students and clients. And yet hearing it from Anita opened me to feel it more deeply, to know its truth with greater certainty. From my perspective, her very presence – and her generous, loving commitment to share her realizations with the world - affirm this potent message in a way that helps us embody it more fully.
Anita came to this understanding during her extraordinary NDE. She recognized that her cancer was not some karmic punishment for past wrongdoing, nor was it her “fault” for having made unhealthy choices. She saw clearly that her cancer was the manifestation of her own magnificence that had been repressed. In effect, her magnificence had been turned inward, which was an unnatural state; it was meant to radiate outward. And she knew with equal clarity that, in returning to life in this physical dimension, her magnificence expressed would heal her body.
As she explains so simply and eloquently in her book and interviews, it was fear that had repressed her magnificence - fear that she wasn’t good enough (and, later, fear specifically of getting cancer). Like so many of us, she grew up feeling inadequate in many ways and thinking she needed to change in order to be liked or accepted. Her story is one of both racial and gender biases, yet the conditions giving rise to any of us feeling inadequate are many. Anita said during our conversation, and I would agree with her, it’s likely that most of us feel inadequate or “not enough” in some way – and nothing could be further from the truth.
And this gets to the breathtakingly simple heart of her message: it is in realizing, or remembering, who we really are that we open ourselves to vibrant health and joyful living. And how might we do that in the absence of something as dramatic as a near death experience? This is the really good news: we open ourselves to remembering our magnificence by cultivating genuine self-love.
Since our very essence is love, it is through self-love that we connect with our authentic, magnificent selves. And in being our authentic selves we live the joy-filled lives we came here to live. In fact, this is where things get really juicy and fun. As Anita said during our conversation, “The more authentic you are, the more you attract what is really yours.” We talked about the pure creative power of being, of allowing and attracting into our experience that which we desire.
More on that later. For now I’d like to leave you with the heartfelt message that Anita shared at the end of our conversation. She said, “Find your joy! Listen to your emotions and do what makes you happy.” We may be tempted to dismiss that as impractical, but honoring this truth is what restored Anita to full health and vibrancy, and put her life on a whole new trajectory. What could be more practical than being healthy, happy and successful?
And we can begin that new trajectory in our own lives by committing to loving ourselves, right now. Let’s be willing to be amazed at how magnificent we really are.
Let me tell you a little about Anita Moorjani. She is kind. She is generous. She is warm and supportive. She is funny. She is incredibly wise. She is gracious. She is respectful. She is someone with whom I would love to have talked for hours. (And very nearly did, thanks to a technology breakdown during our across-the-globe call and her generosity in making up the time we lost…and then giving me even more.) If Oprah still had her talk show, you can bet Anita would be a sought-after guest.
And that’s because her message is so profound and inspiring. It is also elegantly simple, and our busy, complexity-loving minds might be tempted to dismiss it as simplistic. Yet it is a message that, as we let it sink into our hearts and minds and the very marrow of our bones, can literally transform our lives
Here it is: We are magnificent beings whose very essence is love. Our forgetting of that truth gives rise to all that we would consider unwanted in our lives and in our world; our remembering of it restores us to wholeness and joy.
This is where Anita and I started our conversation. She spoke with great clarity and passion about the realization she gained, during her near death experience (NDE), that she was loved unconditionally – and that she deserved this love just because she existed. She understood with complete clarity that we are not here to work or perform or prove ourselves worthy, and all of our efforts to do so are futile: there is no need to prove what is already given. In her words, “Because you have been put on this planet, you are deserving of good things coming to you.”
This may be a message you have heard before. (I hope so.) It is certainly one that I have heard and embraced and shared with my students and clients. And yet hearing it from Anita opened me to feel it more deeply, to know its truth with greater certainty. From my perspective, her very presence – and her generous, loving commitment to share her realizations with the world - affirm this potent message in a way that helps us embody it more fully.
Anita came to this understanding during her extraordinary NDE. She recognized that her cancer was not some karmic punishment for past wrongdoing, nor was it her “fault” for having made unhealthy choices. She saw clearly that her cancer was the manifestation of her own magnificence that had been repressed. In effect, her magnificence had been turned inward, which was an unnatural state; it was meant to radiate outward. And she knew with equal clarity that, in returning to life in this physical dimension, her magnificence expressed would heal her body.
As she explains so simply and eloquently in her book and interviews, it was fear that had repressed her magnificence - fear that she wasn’t good enough (and, later, fear specifically of getting cancer). Like so many of us, she grew up feeling inadequate in many ways and thinking she needed to change in order to be liked or accepted. Her story is one of both racial and gender biases, yet the conditions giving rise to any of us feeling inadequate are many. Anita said during our conversation, and I would agree with her, it’s likely that most of us feel inadequate or “not enough” in some way – and nothing could be further from the truth.
And this gets to the breathtakingly simple heart of her message: it is in realizing, or remembering, who we really are that we open ourselves to vibrant health and joyful living. And how might we do that in the absence of something as dramatic as a near death experience? This is the really good news: we open ourselves to remembering our magnificence by cultivating genuine self-love.
Since our very essence is love, it is through self-love that we connect with our authentic, magnificent selves. And in being our authentic selves we live the joy-filled lives we came here to live. In fact, this is where things get really juicy and fun. As Anita said during our conversation, “The more authentic you are, the more you attract what is really yours.” We talked about the pure creative power of being, of allowing and attracting into our experience that which we desire.
More on that later. For now I’d like to leave you with the heartfelt message that Anita shared at the end of our conversation. She said, “Find your joy! Listen to your emotions and do what makes you happy.” We may be tempted to dismiss that as impractical, but honoring this truth is what restored Anita to full health and vibrancy, and put her life on a whole new trajectory. What could be more practical than being healthy, happy and successful?
And we can begin that new trajectory in our own lives by committing to loving ourselves, right now. Let’s be willing to be amazed at how magnificent we really are.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Are You Willing To Be Happy Right Now?
I often use the phrase “spiritual path” to describe the journey of my life. At its most fundamental, I would describe being on a spiritual path as nurturing a deep longing to know the true nature of the Universe, who we are and why we’re here. (Which is not exactly the kind of conversation that makes me the darling of hip cocktail parties. But it’s pretty good for my writing career, so I’m not complaining.)
I’ve also been on a path of opening to ever-deeper experiences of personal growth and fulfillment and, yes, success. Success on all levels, here in the material world.
Fortunately for me, I’ve discovered that these two intentions are not at all opposed to each other; in fact, I believe they reflect different aspects of the same intention. When we stop separating “spiritual” from “material,” spiritual enlightenment – waking up to our true magnificence – opens us to personal fulfillment in this glorious material world we inhabit, however we wish to define that for ourselves.
There is one particular aspect to both spiritual enlightenment and personal fulfillment that has captivated me for a long time. It’s what I call unconditional happiness, or the innate capacity we have to source our deepest sense of well-being from the Source – the Source of all Life - rather than depending on outer circumstances to be a certain way in order to be happy. Or, in simpler terms, it’s the ability to be happy and at peace no matter what.
From a spiritual perspective this capacity reflects our oneness with Source, with God or the Universe or whatever you name the Life-giving pulse of creation. It is our ability to experience and appreciate our divine magnificence and not feel diminished by the seeming limitations of our current material circumstances.
From a personal fulfillment perspective, this capacity is crucial in raising and sustaining our vibration so that we are on the same wavelength with all that we desire to create and experience in life. In other words, thanks to the vibrational nature of this universe wherein everything is, fundamentally, energy vibrating at particular frequencies, when we vibrate “happiness” we have access to things we find uplifting.
I always find the metaphor of TV channels particularly helpful: when we’re on the “happiness” channel, the thoughts we think and the actions we take and the opportunities we attract are ones that naturally express our happiness. But we have to get ourselves there first; we have to tune ourselves to that frequency.
Which brings us back to learning to be happy and at peace no matter what.
At first this concept seemed almost preposterous to me. How could I possibly be happy if things weren’t going the way I wanted them to go? And yet, like so many spiritual concepts I have explored, it resonated as “truth” at the very core of my being, in spite of seeming absurd to my “rational” mind. So I set an intention to cultivate that capacity, that state of being: I decided I wanted to be happy no matter what. (But I would still prefer the matters of my life to be pleasing to me!)
And before I move on, let me clarify - by “happy” I don’t mean giggly or wildly exuberant, although both of those experiences are welcome. I mean deeply at peace, content, and resting in the knowing that all is truly well. It also means holding a sense of optimism and excitement about my future. That’s how I wanted to feel, no matter what.
I had no idea where to start.
So I started with just the intention, and a willingness to be open and curious about how it could be cultivated. I’ve explored everything from meditation to prayer to journaling about what I appreciate in my life to looking for positive aspects in even the most challenging situations to reading inspiring books to simply learning to pause when I feel frustrated or unhappy and just take some slow, deep breaths. And I’ve used mantras and affirmations to great effect, I must admit! I’ve practiced looking for different interpretations of events that upset me, which has been tremendously helpful.
And uneven as it may be, I have made…progress.
Fast forward to an afternoon several weeks ago, sitting in my living room after having had a particularly satisfying and inspiring conversation with a dear friend of mine. I hung up the phone and literally basked in the luscious, uplifting energy we had created. It was glorious. I felt really, really good – dare I say happy, at peace and deeply content. Just the way I wanted to feel.
Then my mind did a rather obnoxious thing – it started reminding me of all the things in my life that really weren’t going as well as I’d like them to go, beginning with the ongoing challenge of regulating my sweet cat Toby’s diabetes. It all went downhill from there, and in a matter of seconds I was feeling really, really bad.
Wow, that was fast. If ever I needed clear evidence of the power of our thoughts to create our experience, I got it in that moment. I was not enjoying my experience.
And then…and then…out of the blue came a thought completely unlike the complaints and worries that were swirling in my mind. It said, quietly but firmly, “So…are you willing to be happy anyway?” I paused in a sort of confusion – where had that come from? And into that pause arose a bubble of happiness and delight so palpable and life-giving I literally laughed out loud and said – out loud – “Yes! I am willing to be happy anyway!”
I felt really, really good again. (I believe I even felt giggly and wildly exuberant.) It all seemed so simple in that moment, so clear: my ability to feel good had absolutely nothing to do with the current circumstances of my life. It had everything to do with my intention and willingness to feel good. In that moment, I really “got it.”
Since then, the clarity of that moment has dimmed just a bit, yet it’s still with me. I’ve had moments of feeling down about various things, for sure. And yet, as soon as I remember to do so, I ask myself: “So…are you willing to be happy anyway?” My answer is always yes, even if my access to “happy” in that moment feels limited to just feeling “okay” or reminding myself that this, too, shall pass and then taking some nourishing breaths. Slowly but surely, I am getting better and better at lifting myself up to a place where I feel genuinely at peace.
That moment in my living room was truly a moment of grace. I didn’t plan it or demand it or even negotiate for it. It was a gift. Yet that gift could not have been received had I not been open to receive it. And it was my intention to cultivate peace and happiness, along with my ongoing willingness and curiosity about how that might look, that created the opening for grace to pour in.
This fresh inflow of Grace is available to all of us. Are you ready to receive yours? Trust the power of your intention - and your willingness to find ways to creatively support it – to open yourself to that life-giving Grace. It is the power that creates worlds, and it is yours to use to create your world.
Copyright © 2012
Suzanne E. Eder
I’ve also been on a path of opening to ever-deeper experiences of personal growth and fulfillment and, yes, success. Success on all levels, here in the material world.
Fortunately for me, I’ve discovered that these two intentions are not at all opposed to each other; in fact, I believe they reflect different aspects of the same intention. When we stop separating “spiritual” from “material,” spiritual enlightenment – waking up to our true magnificence – opens us to personal fulfillment in this glorious material world we inhabit, however we wish to define that for ourselves.
There is one particular aspect to both spiritual enlightenment and personal fulfillment that has captivated me for a long time. It’s what I call unconditional happiness, or the innate capacity we have to source our deepest sense of well-being from the Source – the Source of all Life - rather than depending on outer circumstances to be a certain way in order to be happy. Or, in simpler terms, it’s the ability to be happy and at peace no matter what.
From a spiritual perspective this capacity reflects our oneness with Source, with God or the Universe or whatever you name the Life-giving pulse of creation. It is our ability to experience and appreciate our divine magnificence and not feel diminished by the seeming limitations of our current material circumstances.
From a personal fulfillment perspective, this capacity is crucial in raising and sustaining our vibration so that we are on the same wavelength with all that we desire to create and experience in life. In other words, thanks to the vibrational nature of this universe wherein everything is, fundamentally, energy vibrating at particular frequencies, when we vibrate “happiness” we have access to things we find uplifting.
I always find the metaphor of TV channels particularly helpful: when we’re on the “happiness” channel, the thoughts we think and the actions we take and the opportunities we attract are ones that naturally express our happiness. But we have to get ourselves there first; we have to tune ourselves to that frequency.
Which brings us back to learning to be happy and at peace no matter what.
At first this concept seemed almost preposterous to me. How could I possibly be happy if things weren’t going the way I wanted them to go? And yet, like so many spiritual concepts I have explored, it resonated as “truth” at the very core of my being, in spite of seeming absurd to my “rational” mind. So I set an intention to cultivate that capacity, that state of being: I decided I wanted to be happy no matter what. (But I would still prefer the matters of my life to be pleasing to me!)
And before I move on, let me clarify - by “happy” I don’t mean giggly or wildly exuberant, although both of those experiences are welcome. I mean deeply at peace, content, and resting in the knowing that all is truly well. It also means holding a sense of optimism and excitement about my future. That’s how I wanted to feel, no matter what.
I had no idea where to start.
So I started with just the intention, and a willingness to be open and curious about how it could be cultivated. I’ve explored everything from meditation to prayer to journaling about what I appreciate in my life to looking for positive aspects in even the most challenging situations to reading inspiring books to simply learning to pause when I feel frustrated or unhappy and just take some slow, deep breaths. And I’ve used mantras and affirmations to great effect, I must admit! I’ve practiced looking for different interpretations of events that upset me, which has been tremendously helpful.
And uneven as it may be, I have made…progress.
Fast forward to an afternoon several weeks ago, sitting in my living room after having had a particularly satisfying and inspiring conversation with a dear friend of mine. I hung up the phone and literally basked in the luscious, uplifting energy we had created. It was glorious. I felt really, really good – dare I say happy, at peace and deeply content. Just the way I wanted to feel.
Then my mind did a rather obnoxious thing – it started reminding me of all the things in my life that really weren’t going as well as I’d like them to go, beginning with the ongoing challenge of regulating my sweet cat Toby’s diabetes. It all went downhill from there, and in a matter of seconds I was feeling really, really bad.
Wow, that was fast. If ever I needed clear evidence of the power of our thoughts to create our experience, I got it in that moment. I was not enjoying my experience.
And then…and then…out of the blue came a thought completely unlike the complaints and worries that were swirling in my mind. It said, quietly but firmly, “So…are you willing to be happy anyway?” I paused in a sort of confusion – where had that come from? And into that pause arose a bubble of happiness and delight so palpable and life-giving I literally laughed out loud and said – out loud – “Yes! I am willing to be happy anyway!”
I felt really, really good again. (I believe I even felt giggly and wildly exuberant.) It all seemed so simple in that moment, so clear: my ability to feel good had absolutely nothing to do with the current circumstances of my life. It had everything to do with my intention and willingness to feel good. In that moment, I really “got it.”
Since then, the clarity of that moment has dimmed just a bit, yet it’s still with me. I’ve had moments of feeling down about various things, for sure. And yet, as soon as I remember to do so, I ask myself: “So…are you willing to be happy anyway?” My answer is always yes, even if my access to “happy” in that moment feels limited to just feeling “okay” or reminding myself that this, too, shall pass and then taking some nourishing breaths. Slowly but surely, I am getting better and better at lifting myself up to a place where I feel genuinely at peace.
That moment in my living room was truly a moment of grace. I didn’t plan it or demand it or even negotiate for it. It was a gift. Yet that gift could not have been received had I not been open to receive it. And it was my intention to cultivate peace and happiness, along with my ongoing willingness and curiosity about how that might look, that created the opening for grace to pour in.
This fresh inflow of Grace is available to all of us. Are you ready to receive yours? Trust the power of your intention - and your willingness to find ways to creatively support it – to open yourself to that life-giving Grace. It is the power that creates worlds, and it is yours to use to create your world.
Copyright © 2012
Suzanne E. Eder
Monday, March 12, 2012
Ode to the Easy Button
Here I sit, staring once again at a blank screen and wondering what I can share with you that might be helpful, illuminating or uplifting. The screen stares back, mutely. I shift positions in my chair, then look out the window. It’s such a gorgeous, almost-spring day and I begin to daydream about my upcoming trip to the beach. I look back at the computer screen.It’s still blank.
So I get up and drink a glass of water and then slather moisturizer on my hands. (I just can’t type with dry hands.) I sit back down again and cast around in my mind for inspiring or thought-provoking perspectives on the journey of creating a deeply fulfilling life. Let’s see…what are the teachings and suggestions my clients find most helpful?
My mind seems as blank as the screen.
I let my gaze drift and it lands on a small object that sits in an honored spot next to my computer: my Easy button from Staples. There it is, all bright and shiny and compact, with the word “EASY” in cheerful white letters across the top. I tap it so I can hear the words, “That was easy!” spoken with the confidence and enthusiasm I want to feel. I tap it again and can’t help but chuckle. Okay, one more time…funnier still. I love my Easy button!
And I realize this seemingly silly toy has done exactly what I wanted it to do: it’s helped me relax and remember that life isn’t really as hard and serious as my small self would have me believe. Which, it so happens, is one of the teachings I offer that my clients find most helpful. Now, isn’t that convenient?
So let me tell you about the Easy button. A friend of mine told me that a friend of hers, who lives in Texas, gives Staples Easy buttons as gifts to her students and clients, which I thought was brilliant. I immediately ordered 20 of them so I could do the same for my clients and students. And naturally, I gave one to myself. I intentionally placed it next to my computer because I do a lot of my work here and I am enthusiastically committed to my work being fun and, dare I day – easy. (Not boring or mindless, but without struggle.)
As I know so well, our intention and attention are powerfully creative: what we choose to focus on is what expands in our lives. My intention is clear: I desire an ever-greater sense of ease. The next step is to practice focusing my attention on the experience of ease in my life. That’s where the Easy button comes in.
So…any and every time I complete something quickly or easily, I hit the Easy button. Any time I get interrupted and find myself able to get right back into what I was doing, I hit the Easy button. Any time an email or call comes in with a message that inspires me or brings a needed solution to a challenge, I hit the Easy button. Every time I check something off my to-do list, I hit the Easy button. Every time I meet a deadline, I hit the Easy button.
I’ve started making a game of looking for any and every excuse to tap the Easy button and hear that cheerful voice. Sometimes I hit it when I want something to be easy. Sometimes it gets a tap when I’ve taken a really nice, deep breath that relaxes me. Sometimes I treat myself to “That was easy!” when something completely unrelated to my work goes well, such as giving my cat his insulin shot without his throwing me a dirty look.
And sometimes I tap it when I have writer’s block.
Just looking at it makes me smile, most of the time. It serves as a friendly reminder to lighten up, to relax, to laugh and have fun. That’s the special charm of the Easy button: it not only helps me focus my attention where I want to focus it – on ease - it does so in a light-hearted way. And that lightness of heart is so essential to a life of grace and flow, which is the kind of life I want to live.
The kind of life I want to live…that brings us back to intention. If you’d love to experience greater ease and flow in your life, begin by intending it. Keep your intention light – just acknowledge that ease is important and desirable and you want more of it. Then begin looking for anything and everything that feels easy or smooth or pleasurable, and let yourself pause to appreciate the ease in that moment. Take a nice deep breath. See if you can coax your mouth into a genuine smile.
Rinse and repeat. (No, wait, forget the rinse. Just keep repeating!)
You may be surprised at how quickly you begin to experience greater ease and flow in your life. Keep being willing to be surprised! See how easy you can allow things to be. Notice the new spiral you’re on: the easier it gets…the easier it gets. And you created it with your intention and your willingness to focus on ease. (Feel free to get a little assistance from the Easy button. I highly recommend it!)
And then imagine what else you can create with your intention and attention. Be creative and deliberate in your choices! Dare to name the experiences you wish to have. Imagine the most liberating, joy-filled life you can. What is it like? How do you feel in that life? What qualities are present?
Start your list: peace, passion, humor, grace, ease, inspiration, focus, respect, celebration, delight, radiance, vibrant health, joy, making a difference, having fun…the possibilities are endless. Choose what resonates deeply with you and just decide it’s important and you want more of it. Then practice focusing your attention on where it already exists, and pause to acknowledge and celebrate its appearance in your life every time. And hey, if you want to create a “Joy” or “Fun” button – go for it!
And let me know what happens. I’m always looking for inspiring things to write about.
Okay, I think I’m done here. Wow… that was easy.
Friday, February 17, 2012
This Changes Everything
If you’ve been reading my recent blog posts you may have noticed that I’ve been focusing a lot on self-love. It’s a subject that is near and dear to my heart because it’s central to my work in helping people create lives they truly love. As I often say, in order to create lives we love, we must let love lead. How could it be otherwise?
And the love that can lead each of us to fulfillment is our own love – a love that arises from the core of our being. This love recognizes our worthiness and magnificence and wants nothing more than to share it with the world in our own unique and joyful way.
Sounds good, doesn’t it?
I thought so, too. I’ve been doing this work for a while now, and I thought I understood the importance of self-love a long time ago. Yet I see now that it was more of an intellectual understanding than an actual knowing. As my life and work have evolved, the realization that self-love is central to the quality of our lived experience – and to the fulfillment of our potential – has deepened and expanded so much, it’s as if I’m having a fresh “Aha!” moment all over again. (And I love “Aha!” moments.)
I’m reminded of something a well-known physicist once said about a then-recent discovery in quantum physics. He said that if, upon learning of the discovery, your mind wasn’t completely blown away, you couldn’t possibly have grasped its implications. That’s how I feel now about understanding self-love, not as a concept but as a truth: it’s mind-blowing and life-altering.
And as luck and synchronicity would have it, I stumbled upon an awe-inspiring validation of this truth just as I was pulling together my thoughts for last Saturday’s workshop on the art and power of self-love. The title of the book is Dying to Be Me, and it is written by a woman named Anita Moorjani. Anita lived for four years with lymphoma that got progressively worse regardless of the myriad treatments she tried. By the time she was rushed to the hospital in a coma, she had multiple tumors the size of lemons from her neck all the way down to her abdomen; her body had been unable for some time to take in nourishment from food and so was eating away at itself, leaving her barely more than a skeleton; she could not walk or even breathe on her own. At the hospital it was determined that her organs were shutting down and she had only hours to live.
I’ll cut to the good part: she lived well beyond those few hours (six years and counting). But she did have what is referred to as a near death experience (NDE) so astonishing that, not only did it forever change her understanding of who we are and why we’re here in this physical realm, it completely healed her of all cancer…in days. It was a true miracle by the conventional standards of medical care.
During her NDE she was in a realm of consciousness that opened her to the greatest clarity and understanding of universal truths she had ever known; as she tells it, words can barely approximate the enormity of the experience. Yet what she writes is eloquent, electrifying, inspiring, joyful and comforting all at once. Obviously I’m not going to detail her experience here, although I hope you’ll read her book. But I am going to share with you one of her most startling revelations: it was self-love that healed her of cancer. Here is an excerpt from the book where she first offers this mind-blowing truth:
“It’s all very well for me to talk about healing after I’ve experienced it, or for me to tell you to just trust and let go, letting the flow of life take over; but when you’re going through a really low period, it’s difficult to do – or even know where to begin. However, I think the answer is simpler than it seems, and it’s one of the best-kept secrets of our time: the importance of self-love. You may frown or cringe at the thought, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to cultivate a deep love affair with yourself.
I don’t recall ever being encouraged to cherish myself – in fact, it would never even have occurred to me to do so. It’s commonly thought of as being selfish. But my NDE allowed me to realize that this was the key to my healing.” (my emphasis) - p. 138
Further in the book she talks about how essential it is to nurture our own souls, to take care of our needs and not put ourselves last all the time. It’s about learning to listen deeply to the wisdom within and treat ourselves with the utmost kindness and respect. And I love her bold assertion, quoted above, that we need to have a deep love affair with ourselves. I couldn’t agree more.
For me Anita has articulated an essential truth. After years of working with clients who come to me for support in creating lives they truly love – and after years of living with that same intention myself - I’ve recognized that creating a life we love is only possible when we genuinely love ourselves, first and always.
Without a generative, life-giving core of self-love, anything we do – whether it’s writing an impressive resume or perfecting our golf swing or taking care of an elderly parent or crafting an inviting profile for Match.com – will have what is essentially a hidden agenda. In the absence of genuine self-love, our actions are fundamentally driven by an unconscious need for proof - proof of our lovability, proof of our very worthiness. Whether we’re trying to improve ourselves to meet an external standard of perfection, or working to prove that our talents and skills have earned us the right for some kind of reward, or actively seeking approval from others, we’re looking outside of ourselves for something that already exists within us: our innate worth.
When we hold an intention for genuine self-love, we turn inward and open ourselves to see and feel and know our worthiness. And as we get to know ourselves as inherently worthy and, dare I say, magnificent, our lives begin to change. We begin living from the inside-out rather than the outside-in; we recognize the tremendous value of our unique talents and longings, not only to ourselves but to others; and we become more grounded, trusting and authentically generous since we’re giving from a sense of fullness rather than one of lack.
That is the paradox of genuine self-love. In its absence we become selfish and needy; in its presence we are loving and generous. It’s the ultimate win-win.
And the good news is, self-love is an intention we can declare and cultivate. So let’s do it. I hope you remember the Eyes of Love journal I talked about in the December issue, and the vital importance of soothing yourself I wrote about last month. If you haven’t explored them yet, now would be the perfect time. Learning to disempower our usual voices of self-doubt and self-criticism is essential to cultivating self-love, and it takes some practice – but the good news is, in this case the practice is fun because feeling good is what it’s all about!
Here’s something else you can explore as a means of aligning with your intention for self-love. Set aside some quiet time – it needn’t be a lot, but at least 15 minutes – and sit down with your journal or notebook and a pen. Take some deep, gentle breaths and invite yourself to become fully present in your body, in this moment. Then pick up your pen and write each of the following statements, very slowly. Pause after each one and take note of how you feel about it. Here they are:
I listen to myself.
I respect myself.
I trust myself.
I appreciate myself.
I honor myself.
I celebrate myself.
I cherish myself.
I have compassion for myself.
I am kind to myself.
I speak my truth.
Notice which statements you feel connected with and which you do not. See if one or two have a particular charge for you, in the sense that they seem foreign, false or even offensive. That’s where your juice is. Write down the word again (e.g., cherish,, respect, compassion, etc.)
Take a few more deep breaths and give your pen to the Wise Self within you. Ask, "How can I cultivate this particular aspect of self-love in my life?" Then just start writing, without censoring, and be willing to be surprised. Choose at least one thing you came up with that you're willing to commit to, right now.
Congratulations! You’ve just set a new intention that fortifies your intention for self-love. Get ready for your life to change. Because here is a little-known truth that Anita affirms so eloquently in her book: the kinder you are to yourself, the kinder the world is to you. Really.
I’ll say it again.
The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder the world is to you.
Try it and see what happens.
Be willing to explore this, full-out. Dare to commit to deepening your own experience of genuine self-love. It has the power to ignite your life in unimaginable ways.
Just ask Anita.
And the love that can lead each of us to fulfillment is our own love – a love that arises from the core of our being. This love recognizes our worthiness and magnificence and wants nothing more than to share it with the world in our own unique and joyful way.
Sounds good, doesn’t it?
I thought so, too. I’ve been doing this work for a while now, and I thought I understood the importance of self-love a long time ago. Yet I see now that it was more of an intellectual understanding than an actual knowing. As my life and work have evolved, the realization that self-love is central to the quality of our lived experience – and to the fulfillment of our potential – has deepened and expanded so much, it’s as if I’m having a fresh “Aha!” moment all over again. (And I love “Aha!” moments.)
I’m reminded of something a well-known physicist once said about a then-recent discovery in quantum physics. He said that if, upon learning of the discovery, your mind wasn’t completely blown away, you couldn’t possibly have grasped its implications. That’s how I feel now about understanding self-love, not as a concept but as a truth: it’s mind-blowing and life-altering.
And as luck and synchronicity would have it, I stumbled upon an awe-inspiring validation of this truth just as I was pulling together my thoughts for last Saturday’s workshop on the art and power of self-love. The title of the book is Dying to Be Me, and it is written by a woman named Anita Moorjani. Anita lived for four years with lymphoma that got progressively worse regardless of the myriad treatments she tried. By the time she was rushed to the hospital in a coma, she had multiple tumors the size of lemons from her neck all the way down to her abdomen; her body had been unable for some time to take in nourishment from food and so was eating away at itself, leaving her barely more than a skeleton; she could not walk or even breathe on her own. At the hospital it was determined that her organs were shutting down and she had only hours to live.
I’ll cut to the good part: she lived well beyond those few hours (six years and counting). But she did have what is referred to as a near death experience (NDE) so astonishing that, not only did it forever change her understanding of who we are and why we’re here in this physical realm, it completely healed her of all cancer…in days. It was a true miracle by the conventional standards of medical care.
During her NDE she was in a realm of consciousness that opened her to the greatest clarity and understanding of universal truths she had ever known; as she tells it, words can barely approximate the enormity of the experience. Yet what she writes is eloquent, electrifying, inspiring, joyful and comforting all at once. Obviously I’m not going to detail her experience here, although I hope you’ll read her book. But I am going to share with you one of her most startling revelations: it was self-love that healed her of cancer. Here is an excerpt from the book where she first offers this mind-blowing truth:
“It’s all very well for me to talk about healing after I’ve experienced it, or for me to tell you to just trust and let go, letting the flow of life take over; but when you’re going through a really low period, it’s difficult to do – or even know where to begin. However, I think the answer is simpler than it seems, and it’s one of the best-kept secrets of our time: the importance of self-love. You may frown or cringe at the thought, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to cultivate a deep love affair with yourself.
I don’t recall ever being encouraged to cherish myself – in fact, it would never even have occurred to me to do so. It’s commonly thought of as being selfish. But my NDE allowed me to realize that this was the key to my healing.” (my emphasis) - p. 138
Further in the book she talks about how essential it is to nurture our own souls, to take care of our needs and not put ourselves last all the time. It’s about learning to listen deeply to the wisdom within and treat ourselves with the utmost kindness and respect. And I love her bold assertion, quoted above, that we need to have a deep love affair with ourselves. I couldn’t agree more.
For me Anita has articulated an essential truth. After years of working with clients who come to me for support in creating lives they truly love – and after years of living with that same intention myself - I’ve recognized that creating a life we love is only possible when we genuinely love ourselves, first and always.
Without a generative, life-giving core of self-love, anything we do – whether it’s writing an impressive resume or perfecting our golf swing or taking care of an elderly parent or crafting an inviting profile for Match.com – will have what is essentially a hidden agenda. In the absence of genuine self-love, our actions are fundamentally driven by an unconscious need for proof - proof of our lovability, proof of our very worthiness. Whether we’re trying to improve ourselves to meet an external standard of perfection, or working to prove that our talents and skills have earned us the right for some kind of reward, or actively seeking approval from others, we’re looking outside of ourselves for something that already exists within us: our innate worth.
When we hold an intention for genuine self-love, we turn inward and open ourselves to see and feel and know our worthiness. And as we get to know ourselves as inherently worthy and, dare I say, magnificent, our lives begin to change. We begin living from the inside-out rather than the outside-in; we recognize the tremendous value of our unique talents and longings, not only to ourselves but to others; and we become more grounded, trusting and authentically generous since we’re giving from a sense of fullness rather than one of lack.
That is the paradox of genuine self-love. In its absence we become selfish and needy; in its presence we are loving and generous. It’s the ultimate win-win.
And the good news is, self-love is an intention we can declare and cultivate. So let’s do it. I hope you remember the Eyes of Love journal I talked about in the December issue, and the vital importance of soothing yourself I wrote about last month. If you haven’t explored them yet, now would be the perfect time. Learning to disempower our usual voices of self-doubt and self-criticism is essential to cultivating self-love, and it takes some practice – but the good news is, in this case the practice is fun because feeling good is what it’s all about!
Here’s something else you can explore as a means of aligning with your intention for self-love. Set aside some quiet time – it needn’t be a lot, but at least 15 minutes – and sit down with your journal or notebook and a pen. Take some deep, gentle breaths and invite yourself to become fully present in your body, in this moment. Then pick up your pen and write each of the following statements, very slowly. Pause after each one and take note of how you feel about it. Here they are:
I listen to myself.
I respect myself.
I trust myself.
I appreciate myself.
I honor myself.
I celebrate myself.
I cherish myself.
I have compassion for myself.
I am kind to myself.
I speak my truth.
Notice which statements you feel connected with and which you do not. See if one or two have a particular charge for you, in the sense that they seem foreign, false or even offensive. That’s where your juice is. Write down the word again (e.g., cherish,, respect, compassion, etc.)
Take a few more deep breaths and give your pen to the Wise Self within you. Ask, "How can I cultivate this particular aspect of self-love in my life?" Then just start writing, without censoring, and be willing to be surprised. Choose at least one thing you came up with that you're willing to commit to, right now.
Congratulations! You’ve just set a new intention that fortifies your intention for self-love. Get ready for your life to change. Because here is a little-known truth that Anita affirms so eloquently in her book: the kinder you are to yourself, the kinder the world is to you. Really.
I’ll say it again.
The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder the world is to you.
Try it and see what happens.
Be willing to explore this, full-out. Dare to commit to deepening your own experience of genuine self-love. It has the power to ignite your life in unimaginable ways.
Just ask Anita.
Friday, February 3, 2012
How to Be Your Own Valentine
It’s that time of year again – February, with its own special holiday to celebrate love. And whether or not you have a certain someone in your life who is your Valentine, let me suggest something a little different. This year, vow to be your own Valentine. Decide that no one is more deserving of your respect, kindness and enthusiastic support than you, and get creative about cultivating and expressing those qualities toward yourself.
In other words…love yourself. Completely, courageously and unconditionally.
If you think that sounds self-absorbed, sappy or just plain selfish, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have had the privilege of working with countless talented, passionate, giving and highly motivated people over the years, and through that work a simple and stunning truth has been revealed to me:
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
Take a minute to really let that sink in. Feel the truth of it in your heart of hearts, in your bones and in every cell of your body.
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
It’s true. Yet many of us have been conditioned to view ourselves with skepticism or even suspicion. We don’t trust ourselves to make healthy choices, we fixate on our mistakes and shortcomings, and we keep striving to prove our worthiness in the workplace and in our families and communities. Self-doubt and self-criticism run rampant, often masquerading as “objectivity.” We’ve somehow come to believe that focusing on our perceived flaws and shortcomings is the adult, responsible thing to do. But if you step back and really think about it, you’ll see how utterly impossible it is to doubt or criticize yourself to success and fulfillment. It simply can’t be done.
We must learn instead to love ourselves to success and fulfillment. And contrary to popular belief, genuine self-love is neither selfish nor delusional; it is honest, expansive, kind and generous. Self-love is all about learning to recognize and celebrate our many talents, skills and passions. It is about soothing and supporting ourselves when we feel challenged. It is about daring to trust, honor and empower our deepest truths.
And the good news is, genuine self-love is an intention we can choose to consciously declare and nourish.
In the December 2011 issue of this magazine I shared with you one of my favorite practices for cultivating authentic self-love, which I call the Eyes of Love journal. This month, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to offer another simple way to begin translating the concept of self-love into your lived experience: self-soothing.
First let me say that we are never too old to soothe ourselves. That would be like saying we’re too old for kindness. Yet, somehow, we’ve come to believe that responsible adults shouldn’t need soothing. We think we have to be tough on ourselves, to “suck it up and get the job done” and whip ourselves into shape with stern reprimands when we fail to meet our objectives. The idea of soothing ourselves seems akin to treating ourselves like babies.
Well, guess what? Treating ourselves like babies – like precious beings of life and light that require tenderness and care – works like a charm. There are a number of reasons why this is true, but the one I want to draw attention to is this: what we focus on is what expands in our lives. When we take the time to recognize, honor and empower what is alive and sweet and passionate within us, we expand our aliveness, our sweetness and our passion. We begin to flourish, just as any life form flourishes when given the proper attention and care. Being kind to ourselves is like watering a parched plant rather than yelling at it to learn how to “take” the heat of the sun.
Of course there are times we need to be lovingly firm with ourselves – that’s a subject for another time. For now let’s explore the art of self-soothing as a way to cultivate genuine self-love.
The intention of self-soothing is to release judgment and offer a fresh perspective that is loving and supportive. Self-soothing is looking for the kernels of deep truth that affirm our highest qualities while acknowledging our tender places. It is about relaxing into acceptance of what is, without resistance, while maintaining a spirit of possibility.
It is about being your own best friend, one who loves and cherishes you. Your own special Valentine.
Here’s how it works. When things aren’t going the way you wanted or planned, and your mind begins telling stories about how dire things are and how poorly equipped you are to handle them – STOP. You may have worked up quite a head of steam with this story but, as soon as you become aware that you’re making yourself feel worse rather than better…just stop. Take some nice, relaxing breaths.
Simply decide, then and there, that you will not speak to yourself that way. Wrap your actual or metaphorical arms around yourself in a loving hug, and consciously look for a deeper truth about what’s going on – and about you - that is soothing, comforting or even inspiring.
Here are a few examples that might be helpful:
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I can’t believe I ate all that junk food last night; I feel terrible this morning. I just can’t seem to get it together with my eating habits. I’d better go back on that strict diet I tried last year but gave up on too soon.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s actually good that I don’t feel good about what I ate. That’s my body’s way of telling me that it’s time to make some shifts. This time I’m going to look for a new approach.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I still haven’t received payment from my client for that invoice I sent two months ago. It figures, that was the biggest single invoice I’ve ever issued. I wonder if I overcharged? It doesn’t matter. They’re probably on the verge of bankruptcy and I’ll never see a penny.”
Your soothing reminder: “I need to call the client and remind them that payment is now past due. This is good practice for me, speaking up to request payment, since I want to feel comfortable dealing with larger amounts of money. It’s helping me become very clear about the value of my services.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “It’s been almost three years since I realized I didn’t like the work I’m doing, and here I am, still at the same company and still miserable. Why can’t I get myself unstuck? Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to live a really fabulous life. I’m not a risk-taker.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s far better to give myself time to get comfortable with taking a big step like leaving my job, rather than forcing myself to do it and just hoping it will all work out. It’s good not to overreact and jump ship just because I don’t like something. And today is a new day. I wonder how I can get myself more comfortable with the idea of creating work I truly love?”
Notice that self-soothing is not the same thing as justifying behavior we know isn’t serving us, or blaming others for our unhappiness. In the first example, self-justifying might have sounded something like, “Well, it’s no wonder I ate so much! Mary kept piling those nachos on my plate and she wouldn’t take no for an answer!” In the second example, it would have been easy to simply wallow in blame: “They’ve been difficult to deal with all along. I’m not surprised they don’t have the professional courtesy to pay on time!” In the third example, self-justification and blame might have taken a turn like this: “They pile so much work on me, I barely have time to get the basics of life handled, much less look for a new job!”
I’m not saying that the self-justifying statements are false; at a surface level they are, perhaps, true. It’s just that they’re not helpful. True or not, those kinds of thoughts do not empower us. And how can we love ourselves fully if we don’t empower ourselves to create lives we love?
That is why soothing is not “babying.” It is empowering. It liberates us from the kind of thinking that keeps us small and stuck, paving the way for possibility and inspiration. It softens us, and in that softening we open to new ways of thinking and acting. Fundamentally it feels good, and feeling good matters. Feeling good matters because you matter.
And isn’t that what a true Valentine would remind you? Of course! But don’t wait to hear that from someone else; say it to yourself and back it up with your thoughts and actions. Practice self-soothing every chance you get, and keep writing in that Eyes of Love journal. Before you know it, your heart will open and your spirit will soar and you will be in love with Life. Your life.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Copyright © 2012
Suzanne E. Eder
In other words…love yourself. Completely, courageously and unconditionally.
If you think that sounds self-absorbed, sappy or just plain selfish, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have had the privilege of working with countless talented, passionate, giving and highly motivated people over the years, and through that work a simple and stunning truth has been revealed to me:
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
Take a minute to really let that sink in. Feel the truth of it in your heart of hearts, in your bones and in every cell of your body.
Genuine self-love is the foundation of true success, generosity and fulfillment.
It’s true. Yet many of us have been conditioned to view ourselves with skepticism or even suspicion. We don’t trust ourselves to make healthy choices, we fixate on our mistakes and shortcomings, and we keep striving to prove our worthiness in the workplace and in our families and communities. Self-doubt and self-criticism run rampant, often masquerading as “objectivity.” We’ve somehow come to believe that focusing on our perceived flaws and shortcomings is the adult, responsible thing to do. But if you step back and really think about it, you’ll see how utterly impossible it is to doubt or criticize yourself to success and fulfillment. It simply can’t be done.
We must learn instead to love ourselves to success and fulfillment. And contrary to popular belief, genuine self-love is neither selfish nor delusional; it is honest, expansive, kind and generous. Self-love is all about learning to recognize and celebrate our many talents, skills and passions. It is about soothing and supporting ourselves when we feel challenged. It is about daring to trust, honor and empower our deepest truths.
And the good news is, genuine self-love is an intention we can choose to consciously declare and nourish.
In the December 2011 issue of this magazine I shared with you one of my favorite practices for cultivating authentic self-love, which I call the Eyes of Love journal. This month, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to offer another simple way to begin translating the concept of self-love into your lived experience: self-soothing.
First let me say that we are never too old to soothe ourselves. That would be like saying we’re too old for kindness. Yet, somehow, we’ve come to believe that responsible adults shouldn’t need soothing. We think we have to be tough on ourselves, to “suck it up and get the job done” and whip ourselves into shape with stern reprimands when we fail to meet our objectives. The idea of soothing ourselves seems akin to treating ourselves like babies.
Well, guess what? Treating ourselves like babies – like precious beings of life and light that require tenderness and care – works like a charm. There are a number of reasons why this is true, but the one I want to draw attention to is this: what we focus on is what expands in our lives. When we take the time to recognize, honor and empower what is alive and sweet and passionate within us, we expand our aliveness, our sweetness and our passion. We begin to flourish, just as any life form flourishes when given the proper attention and care. Being kind to ourselves is like watering a parched plant rather than yelling at it to learn how to “take” the heat of the sun.
Of course there are times we need to be lovingly firm with ourselves – that’s a subject for another time. For now let’s explore the art of self-soothing as a way to cultivate genuine self-love.
The intention of self-soothing is to release judgment and offer a fresh perspective that is loving and supportive. Self-soothing is looking for the kernels of deep truth that affirm our highest qualities while acknowledging our tender places. It is about relaxing into acceptance of what is, without resistance, while maintaining a spirit of possibility.
It is about being your own best friend, one who loves and cherishes you. Your own special Valentine.
Here’s how it works. When things aren’t going the way you wanted or planned, and your mind begins telling stories about how dire things are and how poorly equipped you are to handle them – STOP. You may have worked up quite a head of steam with this story but, as soon as you become aware that you’re making yourself feel worse rather than better…just stop. Take some nice, relaxing breaths.
Simply decide, then and there, that you will not speak to yourself that way. Wrap your actual or metaphorical arms around yourself in a loving hug, and consciously look for a deeper truth about what’s going on – and about you - that is soothing, comforting or even inspiring.
Here are a few examples that might be helpful:
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I can’t believe I ate all that junk food last night; I feel terrible this morning. I just can’t seem to get it together with my eating habits. I’d better go back on that strict diet I tried last year but gave up on too soon.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s actually good that I don’t feel good about what I ate. That’s my body’s way of telling me that it’s time to make some shifts. This time I’m going to look for a new approach.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “I still haven’t received payment from my client for that invoice I sent two months ago. It figures, that was the biggest single invoice I’ve ever issued. I wonder if I overcharged? It doesn’t matter. They’re probably on the verge of bankruptcy and I’ll never see a penny.”
Your soothing reminder: “I need to call the client and remind them that payment is now past due. This is good practice for me, speaking up to request payment, since I want to feel comfortable dealing with larger amounts of money. It’s helping me become very clear about the value of my services.”
Your fearful or judgmental story: “It’s been almost three years since I realized I didn’t like the work I’m doing, and here I am, still at the same company and still miserable. Why can’t I get myself unstuck? Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to live a really fabulous life. I’m not a risk-taker.”
Your soothing reminder: “It’s far better to give myself time to get comfortable with taking a big step like leaving my job, rather than forcing myself to do it and just hoping it will all work out. It’s good not to overreact and jump ship just because I don’t like something. And today is a new day. I wonder how I can get myself more comfortable with the idea of creating work I truly love?”
Notice that self-soothing is not the same thing as justifying behavior we know isn’t serving us, or blaming others for our unhappiness. In the first example, self-justifying might have sounded something like, “Well, it’s no wonder I ate so much! Mary kept piling those nachos on my plate and she wouldn’t take no for an answer!” In the second example, it would have been easy to simply wallow in blame: “They’ve been difficult to deal with all along. I’m not surprised they don’t have the professional courtesy to pay on time!” In the third example, self-justification and blame might have taken a turn like this: “They pile so much work on me, I barely have time to get the basics of life handled, much less look for a new job!”
I’m not saying that the self-justifying statements are false; at a surface level they are, perhaps, true. It’s just that they’re not helpful. True or not, those kinds of thoughts do not empower us. And how can we love ourselves fully if we don’t empower ourselves to create lives we love?
That is why soothing is not “babying.” It is empowering. It liberates us from the kind of thinking that keeps us small and stuck, paving the way for possibility and inspiration. It softens us, and in that softening we open to new ways of thinking and acting. Fundamentally it feels good, and feeling good matters. Feeling good matters because you matter.
And isn’t that what a true Valentine would remind you? Of course! But don’t wait to hear that from someone else; say it to yourself and back it up with your thoughts and actions. Practice self-soothing every chance you get, and keep writing in that Eyes of Love journal. Before you know it, your heart will open and your spirit will soar and you will be in love with Life. Your life.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Copyright © 2012
Suzanne E. Eder
Monday, January 2, 2012
Themes, Dreams and "Just Saying No" to Resolutions
You know what I love about the New Year? I love the “New” part. I love the sense of possibility and expansion that an unfilled calendar inspires. I love the reminder to step back and look with fresh eyes at my life and how I want to live it. I love the thought of new ideas, new experiences and new avenues of creative expression. And I love knowing I have a whole year to create them.
I’ve spent a lot of time, energy and attention in my personal and professional life on the creative process. I believe it to be fundamental to our very nature and reason for being: we are creators, and the act of creating calls Life to pulse through us, enlivening and fulfilling us. Our intentions give shape and direction to the flow of Life, and our attention increases its power and velocity.
And of course, our intentions ultimately generate results or outcomes in the manifest world, which is where most of us focus our attention as a New Year rolls in: we set resolutions to achieve specific goals, thinking that the achievement of the goal will make us happy. It’s easy to lose sight of the deeper truth that happiness is a state of being. It arises not from a static achievement, but from the quality we bring to the creation of it.
Happiness, contentment, joy – they’re vibrations. The fundamental nature of this universe is vibrational: everything is energy, and energies of like frequencies resonate with each other. So as we vibrate…we attract and create. This is a modern way of saying what every great spiritual tradition has told us, which is that Being – pure vibration – is primary. Anything we think, say or do flows from our state of Being, our vibration. It cannot be otherwise.
Yet we have, for the most part, lost our sensitivity to these subtle vibrations. We’ve come to rely on the gross perceptions of our senses, and from that perspective it is the results that count because they can be seen, heard, felt, touched or tasted. And so we have become focused on generating results, believing the results to be the only thing that matters.
And of course results do matter – but what matters more is knowing how to create them in harmony with our inherent nature and design as vibrational beings. When we focus exclusively on results, we can inadvertently create measurable but temporary success while compromising, or even damaging, our ability to create.
A simple example of this is the much-overused resolution to lose weight, and specifically to reach a certain number on the scale. It is quite possible, from what I’ve read in fashion magazines, to lose weight by smoking incessantly and ingesting nothing but water and champagne. You could achieve a really low number on the scale that way, and feel smugly successful. But you would have compromised your very health and vitality in doing so.
A far better resolution would be to focus on creating vibrant health, which is a state of being. When that is your declared intention, it serves as a compass that nudges you to choose in ways that align with it. And as you become healthier – as you vibrate on the “vibrant health” frequency – those choices become easier and easier to make. And it gets even better. When you’re on that frequency, you begin synchronistically attracting new ideas and opportunities to sustain it, so you feel supported. Like attracts like.
It’s really a much more elegant system than our usual habit of setting specific goals and then beating ourselves into submission until we reach them. Using the vibrational power of our intention, and the magnifying power of our attention, we lift ourselves to the frequency that matches the kind of results we want. And without attachment to a specific result, we are open to attracting something even better than our small minds could have imagined when setting the goal.
Let me share a wonderful real-life example of this phenomenon. A friend of mine is currently separated from her husband. Their relationship is amicable yet both agreed it would be better to live apart. She could have set a goal to find an affordable place to live by a certain date. But instead, she declared an intention for freedom and joy. She made it a point to open her heart and appreciate all that was good and wonderful in her life as it was, and paid attention to the subtle inner signals that were calling her in a particular direction.
One such impulse was to apply for a one-month residency in a program for artists. She was told the program was closed, but on the strength of her intuition she applied anyway. She was not only awarded a coveted spot in the program, she was offered a full year residency which would begin after the one-month program. So instead of simply achieving a goal of finding a temporary place to live, her inner artist realized an unspoken dream to devote a full, luxurious year to her art.
How’s that for elegant and harmonious?
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that it takes a bit of practice to untangle ourselves from our old outcome-focused ways and learn to trust in the basic flow of Life. But what could be more worthwhile? Let me help you get started, or support you in fine-tuning your commitment to this way of being, with a few simple suggestions:
• Think in terms of themes or states of being rather than outcomes. You can certainly start with what you believe are desired outcomes, but take it to the next level by asking: “What is the state of being I think this outcome will generate?” Here are a few examples:
Outcome: Lose xx pounds
States of Being: Vibrant health, fluidity of movement
Outcome: Find a job I love
States of Being: Making a positive contribution, feeling respected & appreciated
Outcome: Make $$ per year
States of Being: Peaceful, safe, generous, prosperous
Or you could just go straight for the desired states of being, as my friend did, such as freedom, joy, humor, lightness, etc.
• Quiet your mind and listen to your heart of hearts as you narrow the list of desired states of being to two or three; name these as your theme(s) for the year. (And if you’re the artistic type, you may want to create something visual to capture your theme that you can display where you’ll see it often.)
• Intend to increase your awareness of these qualities wherever and whenever they show up in your life. Acknowledge and celebrate every moment or experience where your desired states of being make their presence known. (Remember, your attention magnifies and expands what you are focusing on.)
• When you have specific, conscious choices to make, ask which choice is closest to the vibrational frequency of your desired states of being.
• Pay attention to your inner energy and impulses; might they be pointing to new ideas and opportunities?
• Set aside time each day to quiet your mind and open yourself to the inner Wise One for guidance.
Relax into this as much as you can and intend for it to be easier than you could have imagined. In fact, challenge yourself to hold it lightly and have some fun with it. Heaviness and seriousness are extremely overrated; bringing a light touch to this process reduces resistance and invites a greater flow of energy. And a greater flow of energy really brings the New into your New Year.
So celebrate yet another opportunity to start fresh, lift your vibration and come into greater alignment with the flow of Life. It’s a lot more fun than recycling those tired old goal-centered resolutions.
And who knows what Life might have in store for you? You could end up fulfilling a long-held dream.
Copyright © 2011
Suzanne E. Eder
I’ve spent a lot of time, energy and attention in my personal and professional life on the creative process. I believe it to be fundamental to our very nature and reason for being: we are creators, and the act of creating calls Life to pulse through us, enlivening and fulfilling us. Our intentions give shape and direction to the flow of Life, and our attention increases its power and velocity.
And of course, our intentions ultimately generate results or outcomes in the manifest world, which is where most of us focus our attention as a New Year rolls in: we set resolutions to achieve specific goals, thinking that the achievement of the goal will make us happy. It’s easy to lose sight of the deeper truth that happiness is a state of being. It arises not from a static achievement, but from the quality we bring to the creation of it.
Happiness, contentment, joy – they’re vibrations. The fundamental nature of this universe is vibrational: everything is energy, and energies of like frequencies resonate with each other. So as we vibrate…we attract and create. This is a modern way of saying what every great spiritual tradition has told us, which is that Being – pure vibration – is primary. Anything we think, say or do flows from our state of Being, our vibration. It cannot be otherwise.
Yet we have, for the most part, lost our sensitivity to these subtle vibrations. We’ve come to rely on the gross perceptions of our senses, and from that perspective it is the results that count because they can be seen, heard, felt, touched or tasted. And so we have become focused on generating results, believing the results to be the only thing that matters.
And of course results do matter – but what matters more is knowing how to create them in harmony with our inherent nature and design as vibrational beings. When we focus exclusively on results, we can inadvertently create measurable but temporary success while compromising, or even damaging, our ability to create.
A simple example of this is the much-overused resolution to lose weight, and specifically to reach a certain number on the scale. It is quite possible, from what I’ve read in fashion magazines, to lose weight by smoking incessantly and ingesting nothing but water and champagne. You could achieve a really low number on the scale that way, and feel smugly successful. But you would have compromised your very health and vitality in doing so.
A far better resolution would be to focus on creating vibrant health, which is a state of being. When that is your declared intention, it serves as a compass that nudges you to choose in ways that align with it. And as you become healthier – as you vibrate on the “vibrant health” frequency – those choices become easier and easier to make. And it gets even better. When you’re on that frequency, you begin synchronistically attracting new ideas and opportunities to sustain it, so you feel supported. Like attracts like.
It’s really a much more elegant system than our usual habit of setting specific goals and then beating ourselves into submission until we reach them. Using the vibrational power of our intention, and the magnifying power of our attention, we lift ourselves to the frequency that matches the kind of results we want. And without attachment to a specific result, we are open to attracting something even better than our small minds could have imagined when setting the goal.
Let me share a wonderful real-life example of this phenomenon. A friend of mine is currently separated from her husband. Their relationship is amicable yet both agreed it would be better to live apart. She could have set a goal to find an affordable place to live by a certain date. But instead, she declared an intention for freedom and joy. She made it a point to open her heart and appreciate all that was good and wonderful in her life as it was, and paid attention to the subtle inner signals that were calling her in a particular direction.
One such impulse was to apply for a one-month residency in a program for artists. She was told the program was closed, but on the strength of her intuition she applied anyway. She was not only awarded a coveted spot in the program, she was offered a full year residency which would begin after the one-month program. So instead of simply achieving a goal of finding a temporary place to live, her inner artist realized an unspoken dream to devote a full, luxurious year to her art.
How’s that for elegant and harmonious?
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that it takes a bit of practice to untangle ourselves from our old outcome-focused ways and learn to trust in the basic flow of Life. But what could be more worthwhile? Let me help you get started, or support you in fine-tuning your commitment to this way of being, with a few simple suggestions:
• Think in terms of themes or states of being rather than outcomes. You can certainly start with what you believe are desired outcomes, but take it to the next level by asking: “What is the state of being I think this outcome will generate?” Here are a few examples:
Outcome: Lose xx pounds
States of Being: Vibrant health, fluidity of movement
Outcome: Find a job I love
States of Being: Making a positive contribution, feeling respected & appreciated
Outcome: Make $$ per year
States of Being: Peaceful, safe, generous, prosperous
Or you could just go straight for the desired states of being, as my friend did, such as freedom, joy, humor, lightness, etc.
• Quiet your mind and listen to your heart of hearts as you narrow the list of desired states of being to two or three; name these as your theme(s) for the year. (And if you’re the artistic type, you may want to create something visual to capture your theme that you can display where you’ll see it often.)
• Intend to increase your awareness of these qualities wherever and whenever they show up in your life. Acknowledge and celebrate every moment or experience where your desired states of being make their presence known. (Remember, your attention magnifies and expands what you are focusing on.)
• When you have specific, conscious choices to make, ask which choice is closest to the vibrational frequency of your desired states of being.
• Pay attention to your inner energy and impulses; might they be pointing to new ideas and opportunities?
• Set aside time each day to quiet your mind and open yourself to the inner Wise One for guidance.
Relax into this as much as you can and intend for it to be easier than you could have imagined. In fact, challenge yourself to hold it lightly and have some fun with it. Heaviness and seriousness are extremely overrated; bringing a light touch to this process reduces resistance and invites a greater flow of energy. And a greater flow of energy really brings the New into your New Year.
So celebrate yet another opportunity to start fresh, lift your vibration and come into greater alignment with the flow of Life. It’s a lot more fun than recycling those tired old goal-centered resolutions.
And who knows what Life might have in store for you? You could end up fulfilling a long-held dream.
Copyright © 2011
Suzanne E. Eder
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