Everyday Enlightenment

It is now day 4 of the new year and as a responsible blogger I feel almost obligated to write something about fresh starts, setting intentions or making resolutions. And perhaps in a future post I will, because - regardless of whether you start on 1/1 or any other day of the year - taking the time to reflect deeply on who you are and what you long to create or experience is essential to living a conscious,  meaningful and fulfilling life.

But today I want to write about something else. Today I want to share an experience with you that affirmed, for me, the immense value of committing to a spiritual path, a path of wisdom and enlightenment. I know "enlightenment" is a big word with lots of baggage, which is why this experience was so helpful. It reminded me that enlightenment is not a singular mind-blowing mystical experience or a far-off goal to be reached. It can be known as a sense of joy and lightness in the seemingly small events of our lives. It is about enlightening ourselves with the truth of the moment.

Recently I've been exploring the spiritual principle of, "That which we perceive to be lacking is what we have in abundance to give." It's a challenging one, frankly, and it's easy to get tangled up in overly-specific and very tangible descriptions of what we perceive is lacking. In order to reap the rewards of this principle, we must be willing to consider the intangible essence of things - which is where all the juice is, anyway.

So here is what happened. A very good friend of mine (whom I'll call Natalie) invited me to join her and another friend of hers (whom I'll call Jean) for an outing to the movies. I had met Jean once or twice before, and she'd expressed to Natalie an interest in getting to know me better. I, too, had felt a certain kinship in those early connections with her, and so I was very much looking forward to spending time with her. I was also very much looking forward to going to the movies! So my initial response was an enthusiastic, "Yes!" All we had to do was agree on a specific date and movie time.

The next day, as I was looking over my commitments and early-new-year deadlines, I realized I wasn't as far along on my to-do list as I needed to be, and that enjoying a few hours at the movies probably wasn't the best way for me to spend my time. Still, it was possible that - if I was unsually focused and productive - I could get things done quickly and feel good about taking some time for fun. I called Natalie to let her know I probably wouldn't be able to join them, and suggested she and Jean choose the time that worked best for them and just let me know what they'd chosen. And if I was in a position to join them at that time, I would.

There was an additional flurry of calls and messages I won't bore you with, having to do with the possibility of seeing a different movie. Suffice it to say that nothing was definitively resolved other than an agreement that the movie date would be on Saturday. Mid-morning that day I received a call from Natalie, who wanted to know if I would be joining them. I realized I would need the entire day to get done what I wanted to get done, so I called her back and said that I wouldn't. Natalie was very gracious, as always, yet in that conversastion she revealed more than a little frustration at the tangled-up mess we'd made of trying to coordinate a movie date, only to have it "not work out." She even compared me to another friend of hers who repeatedly backed out of commitments. My ego was more than a little ruffled at that.

After that call I felt out of sorts, replaying the conversastion in my mind. My ego was adamant that it wasn't my fault, crafting a version of the experience that clearly justified my position - and helpfully pointing out how Natalie had failed to communicate clearly in several instances. I called her back to calmly explain my choice again, certain that with a better explanation she would see the light and realize I was nothing like that other friend of hers. (In that conversation I - my ego - also decided to do Natalie a favor by explaining the part she had played in messing things up.) Despite my calm demeanor and crystal-clear explanation, Natalie did not seem particularly helped. I hung up feeling out of sorts yet again.

I had nowhere else to turn but inward. I knew this whole thing wasn't about Natalie, it was about me and my inability to see clearly through the righteous and defensive lens of my ego. I asked myself, "What do I perceive is missing here?" and the answer was immediate: understanding. I felt misunderstood. Deep breath. That meant that "understanding" was what I had in abundance to give to heal the situation.

I thought back to our earlier conversation, in which Natalie had said several times that she hated being "in the middle." At the time my response had been to challenge what being "in the middle" really meant. I could certainly understand the discomfort that arises when someone tries to mediate a dispute between two friends, but that wasn't the case here. She was merely coordinating a movie date! I cringed inwardly as I recognized with simple clarity how I had invalidated her perception rather than seeking to understand it. I also saw that my agreement with her definition of "in the middle" was completely irrelevant. My only job was to be present, listen, understand and respond.

And so I decided to alter my response in a way that demonstrated my willingness to offer understanding. After our second call Natalie had agreed to explain to Jean why I wouldn't be joining them, and suggest to her that she call me herself if she wanted to spend time with me. A rational and helpful response, but one that put Natalie squarely in the middle, at least for that conversation. Which was what she didn't want. I saw how simple it would be for me to call Jean directly and do my own explaining.

I called Jean, explained that I wouldn't be able to join them for the movie, and suggested we meet for lunch. She was understanding and very enthusiastic about scheduling a lunch date, which we did with great ease. I then called Natalie to let her know I'd spoken with Jean and that she didn't have to speak to her for me. Her relief was almost palpable, even over the phone. I could hear in her voice and words the tremendous energy we experience when a load has been lifted, and she thanked me numerous times.

When I hung up the phone from that third call with Natalie, I felt humbled and yet expanded and blessed at the same time. I experienced such a sense of spaciousness and freedom within me that I actually felt physically lighter. I could see with sparkling clarity the great gift of Natalie's friendship and the privilege of being introduced to another kindred soul on the path. I was awakened to the abundance of kindness and nourishing connections in my life - and also to the reactiveness of my ego that almost prevented me from appreciating them. I recognized the profound wisdom of offering that which I perceived to be lacking, a paradoxical choice that connected me with kindness and generosity in a way that served us all.

I was, in that moment, enlightened.