Sing Your Song

Today is June 1st, which means that in less than a week - 6 days to be precise - I will celebrate my 50th birthday. This one is working me a bit. I remember feeling thrilled at the prospect of turning 40, but 50 doesn't feel quite the same. I remind myself often that many, many people have expanded their creativity and sense of deep fulfillment in their 50s and beyond, and that our true age is measured not by numbers but by our capacity to love and be loved. And 50 is, after all, just a number.

It's a rather big one, though.

So I'm giving myself time this week to reflect on the past decade, reflect on my life, and reflect on the life I long to create. As part of that reflection, I'm rereading one of the journals I kept which, conveniently, covers the period from June 2009 to June 2010. Most of it is my usual stuff - exploring doubts and fear, ideas and inspirations - but one entry called to me from a deeper place. I had a sense of gratitude and "rightness" as I read it, and knew right away I wanted to share it with you. It is very brief.

The journal entry was an exploration of a dream I'd had the night before, in August of last year. I won't describe in detail the many delightful oddities that peppered my dreamscape, but I will say that the dream was quite stirring and evoked in me feelings of trust, appreciation, intrigue, safety and peace. Quite a diverse and satisfying range! Yet I wasn't quite sure of its meaning as I awoke, which prompted me to write about it so I could dig a little deeper.

At one point in the dream a beautiful man, who was riding along with several others in the back seat of my car, leaned his head out of the window and sang an exquisite song. It was breathtaking in its beauty, poignancy and clarity. I was spellbound. When he finished singing, all was quiet. It was as if we knew that any other sound would disrupt the magic his song had cast upon our gathering.

The beautiful singer spoke first. He made some self-deprecating remarks about his singing, referring to something highly technical that made no sense to anyone but him. To us, the song was flawless. So I asked him, in typical coach fashion, "So what did you like about the song?"

And his reply was as profound and moving as the music itself. He said, simply, "I like that I did it."

I am moved again even as I write his words. "I like that I did it."

As I contemplate these words I am reminded of a particular experience I had as a student at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, one that expanded my awareness in an instant and has stayed with me to this day, even if it's often obscured by layers of doubt and disbelief. On that day the whole junior class was in a big room, and the teachers were leading us through an exercise designed to connect us energetically with our souls' deepest longings. We were exploring the technique of toning, finding and expressing a sound that intuitively matched the vibration of our longings. We made beautiful music together, and I was graced with a sense of being completely myself and yet deeply connected to each person in the room.

At one point as I toned, I was struck by a flash of insight: "The longing itself is its own fulfillment." It was as clear as a bell and I knew, at a level far beyond my intellect, exactly what it meant. And in that moment, I was fulfilled. Even though every circumstance of my life was exactly as it had been prior to this exercise - and I was facing many challenging circumstances at the time - I felt fully alive and at peace. The simple act of acknowledging and expressing my longing had brought a sense of completion to me that I find difficult to put into words.

Since that time I've contemplated this insight and have earnestly sought to integrate it into my life. I know it has multiple levels of meaning, not all of which I've discovered at this point. At the simplest level, I think it reminds us that our longings are real and they are deserving of our acknowledgment and recognition. Certainly our longings cannot be fulfilled if we ignore or repress them.

But I think the deeper message is that our longings, in a fundamental way, express who we are. They are what make us unique, and uniquely able to contribute our gifts to Life in a way that blesses and serves us all. The paradoxical aspect of the insight - that the longing is its own fulfillment, and needs nothing more than expression - is a reminder to give our gifts freely, without attachment to specific outcomes. Like the beautiful man in my dream, we are called to sing our song because we want to sing, and for no other reason. The longing itself is the reason.

I am grateful for this reminder as I head into a new decade. It is a time my fear-based self is tempted to take score, to judge what I have done and what I have not done, and to point out how little time I have to do everything I want to do with my life. Yet this graceful truth holds a different perspective and a different promise. It reminds me that my real work is to connect with my soul's longings, which lead me unfailingly to my highest self. It reminds me to give simply, authentically and fully - and to trust that is enough. It reminds me that, even when following my longings doesn't seem to yield an outcome my rational mind deems successful, the very act of following my longings is success. It summons the life force through me and keeps me alive on every level.

I hope, like me, you'll take this to heart and make a renewed commitment to sing your song. I hope you'll acknowledge, honor and express your deepest longings. And like the beautiful man in my dream, I hope you'll like that you did it.